Hey, congratulations on entering a writing contest! For this challenge, we’d like you to write poorly.
Only once have I looked at a real, published book and read a passage so awful that it made me laugh but also forced me to quit reading. When I was in jail, the pickings were slim at the library, and there was this hideous horror novel about a baby grand piano that walks around and eats people. As a comic novel it would be gold, but I was really supposed to be scared, or something.
Little did I know there was an existing contest to write opening sentences to bad novels just like that one. This challenge is called Bantam Bulwyr, named after the overwrought writer who gave the world the following:
“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”
This dude Adam Cadre runs a contest every year to see who can write the worst possible opening sentence for a novel. It’s produced some real winners over the years:
The pain wouldn’t stop, and Vern still had three cats left.
Gordon strove to be a nice pimp.
John, surfing, said to his mother, surfing beside him, “How do you like surfing?”
Ah, poetic Paris: with its pâtés and beaujolais, tiramisu and au jus.
Emperor Wu liked cake, but not exploding cake!
“Crime,” declared the police captain, “is everywhere, crime, crime!”
I placed the dynamite and waited for Caden to get home from t-ball practice.
“Uh-oh,” because the goop had inevitably grown arms and was on a collision course with Jason!
And what the hell: here’s our favorite from last season, with comments:
A painful moment – when the Spanish Armada that was my heart was unexpectedly blindsided by surprise waves of cruelty like harpoons to my soul – was your departure for picturesque Sweden.
B: Inappropriate use of the dashes is the highlight here. But “Spanish Armada that was my heart” is a close second. I just know the rest of the paragraph is going to be filled with continued seafaring metaphors and I am running (or is that sailing?) away screaming. Good work. In fact, excellent work. I hate this sentence more and more every time I read it.
K: Oh, look at that insanely stupid mixed metaphor. Why mention that Sweden is picturesque here? Why would one need to be “unexpectedly” blindsided? This is brilliant. Er, the opposite of brilliant. And that’s perfect.
As you can see, it’s hard to explain but somewhat easy to spot a good one. To be clear, if the sentence intrigues us and makes us wish we could read more, that’s a problem. If it works, we’ll be laughing, and in pain. We’ll set the word limit at thirty for this thing (EDIT: it can be more than one sentence, if you like). Note that many of the best ones above have much fewer words, so don’t be afraid of falling way short of thirty.
Scoring will work the same way, although I want to make a small amendment to the elimination rules for this opening three-week thingy: if there are two people who “lead” in non-submissions, regardless of team affiliation, they will be eliminated. So, if both Tara and Scott manage to do no challenges and Nate recovers, Tara and Scott will be gone. As always, this is just to protect players.
These are due on Sunday the 30th at 2pm Central. Why the earlier hour? Because I’ll be off next Sunday, and I’ll be bored and in need of something to do. Results should go up shortly after, and the final challenge of our opening section will go up as early as that night. Send them again, and as you always will, to foreverunchanged@gmail.com.
Enjoy this one, Survivors. I know I will.
Cheers, Spookymilk
16 comments
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January 24, 2011 at 5:22 pm
Aladdin Seine
What stops us from just an out and out Tor Johnson-esque quote like:
“Time for go to bed!”
? Is there some requirements here for obeying the laws of English or are the really good ones those that toe the line of malformation?
January 24, 2011 at 5:25 pm
spookymilk
Ehh…mistakes like that seem like things that wouldn’t get published, period. You can mangle the language as little or as much as you want, but I think the difference between effective and ineffective mangling is displayed in our re-post of last year’s high scorer above, as well as the tiramisu one.
January 24, 2011 at 5:27 pm
spookymilk
Also, as I am a huge MST3K fan, I get your reference.
January 24, 2011 at 5:53 pm
Aladdin Seine
“This is where the fish lives!”
I’ve wasted my life.
January 24, 2011 at 5:37 pm
Beau
The strongest entries will usually seem, upon first glance, like they’re okay. So spelling mistakes and obvious grammatical missteps will likely drop your score rather than improve it.
January 24, 2011 at 5:40 pm
spookymilk
Sorry to all those who read this immediately after I posted, then endured my five or six minor edits. I’m going to blame last year’s runner-up, Rob, because he’s not reading this and will be none the wiser.
January 24, 2011 at 8:39 pm
mbnovak
Aww, why’d we have to limit this to 30 words? I have an entire chapter that would have been perfect… it’s absolute crap!
January 24, 2011 at 8:42 pm
Beau
I don’t think 59 words count as an entire chapter.
Ohhhh…snap.
January 24, 2011 at 10:09 pm
mbnovak
To be clear, the assignment is to write a bad 30 words or less? Or is it more specific than that?
January 25, 2011 at 4:58 am
Beau
Bad 30 words or less to open a novel. But something that could also feasibly be published (i.e. not a jumbled mess of letters).
January 25, 2011 at 8:11 am
mbnovak
So specifically a novel then? Because I had an idea that wouldn’t be for a “novel” but would be a pretty novel take on the challenge… 😉 Seriously though.
January 25, 2011 at 8:36 am
spookymilk
You’re always welcome to take a chance and see what happens. Some of the best results came that way last season. And, yes, a few of the worst.
January 25, 2011 at 8:37 am
mbnovak
Hmm… Can I consult w/ my teammates on strategy?
January 25, 2011 at 10:41 am
freealonzo
I say go for it, we’ll pick you up if you get railroaded by the judges.
January 28, 2011 at 10:22 am
spookymilk
Sorry I didn’t see this question earlier…I didn’t get the email alert as I usually do.
Yeah, feel free to talk to your team on this or any challenge. I ask that everyone does their own work in the end, but of course, I can’t prove it…I just take it on faith that people write their own pieces because hey, we’ve all got pride, right?
January 28, 2011 at 12:43 pm
Aladdin Seine
>> I just take it on faith that people write their own pieces because hey, we’ve all got pride, right?
[citation needed]