That’s right, folks, everyone read through the answers and we already have five votes signed, sealed and delivered.

Are you as nervous as I am?! Actually, I assume you’re nervouser, because I already know who won, what with having read all the votes already.

Well, let’s get to it. I’ll post the votes in the order they came in, ’cause hey, they arrived in an order that works nicely for the whole drama thing. We begin with

Bret Highum: I am going to vote for Will to be the winner. He did some strategic thinking, did well on challenges, and never lied to me about who he was voting for.

Well, lying is one way to get to the end of this game. Of course, anytime you do so, you have to wonder how that person will respond in the end. We continue with expert question-writer

Geoff Beckstrom: Surprisingly I vote for zack – answers did sway my vote.

I’m not sure which answer in particular did so, but I’ll admit some surprise here too. At any rate, we’re tied 1-1. Next up is the guy who survived as long as he could up against a powerful alliance,

Colin Woolston: I vote for Will to win. love, Colin

Well, isn’t that sweet? Will pulls ahead and needs one more vote to seal the deal. Let’s move on to someone who had one too few Immunity Idols,

Rachel Dwyer: I am voting for Zack to win. I think he answered the questions best and his favorite single entry in the game was my burn on T-Paw.

Fact: you will never go broke appealing to Rachel’s love of making fun of Pawlenty. This brings us to a tie, and you know? It’s actually the first time since Survivor I – that’s One! – that wasn’t unanimous. So let’s listen in to our favorite scatterbrained genius and righteous babe,

Zillah Glory: My vote for winner is Zack however you spell his name.

You spell it as follows:

HERE IS YOUR WINNER AND CHAMPION OF SPOOKYMILK SURVIVOR IX: ZACK “THE ICE CREAM MAN” SAUVAGEAU

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

This one was close, dudes. I talked with some of the non-voting viewers about this over the last week, and none of us knew how it was going to go down. There was no clear-cut winner since both of you were in the same alliance, so it befell the questions. From those I still didn’t know who was likely to win, and given the 3-2 result, I was right to wonder.

I don’t think there’s any questioning that Geoff played a very dominant game, but Zack made a balls-out final move and it paid off in spades, pun intended (because, you see, he was supposed to give Geoff a spade so he could get a flush, get it?).

Congratulations, Zack. You won the hands-down most unpredictable, wild season of Survivor I’ve ever run.

Kelly’s Questionnaire: What place do you think you’ll get in this game?

Zack Sauvageau: 14th. I’m expecting to be the first voted off my team.

—–

Kelly’s Questionnaire: If you don’t win, who do you hope does?

Geoff Beckstrom: I don’t know anyone well enough to give a fair answer – so I will say Zack Sauvageau for the mere fact that his name will be difficult for you to have to spell in future posts when you refer to the winner of Survivor IX.

Har har.

Cheers, Survivor.