So after many arduous battles with the copy/paste functions in google docs (seriously google, you gotta have better than a 30% success rate on that function), I managed to resolve the crisis and collect the final results. Half of you will probably like them. Half of you will probably not. But all of you submitted, for the some-number-of-times in a row (2?) so really, we’re all winners! Except the losers. You guys still lost.
MATCH A
1 – Dean Carlson
The sudden lights and opening of the garage door caught Gary by surprise but he was ready. Within seconds, Gary’s laptop was safely exited and closed. As keys jingled in the back door Gary was sitting on the couch, blankets strategically placed on his lap. Gary’s wife walks into the room and says “hi hon!, whatcha been up to?”
2 – Ian Pratt
“Sir, Mr. Voschev just called. He said his installation will require 15 more corpses.”
“He tells us now? For fuck’s sake, we open tomorrow!”
The curator sighed. Running an art gallery was stressful, but new exhibitions were killer. He looked out the window at the kids playing in the park across the street, counting. About 15, give or take.
MATTHEW: Ooooooo…kay. Two stories making me somewhat uncomfortable to start. Looks like we’re in for a fun evening. Y’know, when I was a teenager, my mother would refer to my purloined nudie mags as “art books.” So what, you ask? Me too. I don’t know how to define a good story, but I know it when I see it. WINNER: #2
Novak – #1 has a tight story. It’s not quite a conventional defuse but I’m guessing a lot of these won’t be. A couple of awkward phrases or missing commas hurt though. Picky picky, huh? #2 is fantastic in concept. The word-play a style strike a nice light/dark balance. #2 wins.
ANDY: I’m going to assume that Gary was buying a nice anniversary present for his wife online, and not surfing http://www.shaved-apes-shaving-apes.com. But wait, this is CdL, right? A clever concept, but it falls short in execution, I’m afraid. Too many mentions of Gary by name and the punctuation errors give this piece an unpolished feel. #2 gives us disturbing thoughts of a different kind, and I found it more compelling with a bit more polish. Winner is #2.
WINNER: Ian Pratt
MATCH B
1 – Christina Pepper
When Ricochet climbed to the top of the cell, I had no choice but to follow.
“Dude, this match is worked,” I yelled, pounding his meaty face into the steel cage.
He stood and spit out a tooth. The crowd began chanting his name.
“Chill, man,” I growled.
He unleashed his choke slam, sending me airborne. Landing’s gonna hurt.
2 – Sarah Johnson
“Standard procedure, ma’am – another quick operation. Please sign here.” Her husband sucked at the tracheal tube.
I had closed him up that morning. The post-op film showed brilliant surgical skill: my pager wasn’t on the nightstand after all.
I couldn’t lose my license over this.
She reached for the clipboard as muffled beeps filled the room.
MATTHEW: Story 1 suffers a little in that the actual crisis is a little undefined. Not knowing wrestling patois may be a small detriment for me there, but otherwise I liked the visceral immediacy of it. It took me four read-throughs before I figured out what was going on in story 2. It still escapes me a bit, because I don’t know how a post-op film would show a nightstand. And don’t get me started on tracheal tubes. Gonna have one in me in about a week. In the end, I was more excited by story 1. WINNER: #1
Novak – Hot dang these ones are good. I finished #1 and was impressed by the vivid color in this little world. #2 matches the brilliance of #1, it’s funny, but it’s not a joke. That’s the difference between good and great writing. It’s my “Close Call” of the week, and #1 is sticking with me just a little more, so it gets the edge.
ANDY: This is a strange one, because while I found that the flow of the writing worked slightly better in #2, #1 felt like a much more cohesive, straightforward story. #2 had me going back, rereading to try to glean understanding of the situation, and it was more difficult than I would have liked. I’m still not quite sure what the surgical skill has to do with the pager. With the short format, I’m going with the story that got its point across a bit better and had good voice and character. Winner #1.
WINNER: Christina Pepper
MATCH C
1 – Colin Woolston
Standing over Iver, him to the elbows inside the screaming ewe, Helda registered the teardrop on his cheek; an unwelcome stranger on what had been an unconquered shore. She knelt to help hold Iver steady. Their eyes met briefly, and she saw his fear. Today God would decide, lamb or ewe. Tomorrow she would decide, love or survival.
2 – Zack Sauvageau
It only took Julie an hour to regret eating at Denny’s. She pulled over immediately and ran to the ditch. After she had already shit, she realized she had no TP.
“What am I going to do?” she sobbed.
—
Shane and Julie started to fuck as soon as she walked in the door. “You went commando for me?”
MATTHEW: You’re kidding me, right? A hands-on (and -in) farm birthing scene and a scatological melodrama? Did you guys contact each other in advance and say “hey, let’s really fuck with the judges heads this week”? Aside from the viscera and offal, story 1 still eludes me with its highly indirect style. I have no idea why Helda would be leaving Iver. None. Meanwhile, I have far too much of an idea what went down in story 2. Ulp. WINNER: #2
Novak – #1 required a slower read, and it earned it. I’m not quite sure what the last line is getting at though – it hints at backstory, at threat to survival, etc., but we can’t quite get it in so little time. Still, I love the style and the word choices. Gorgeous. #2 is funny. It’s also gross. And the fact that it’s gross isn’t what makes it funny, it’s the fact that a character was unwise enough to eat at Denny’s that makes it funny. #1 is the winner.
ANDY: #1, I like what you’re going for here, but I feel like you might have pushed it a bit with the flowery language. The problem is, when it works it really works, but when it doesn’t, it can take me out of the moment and become more aware of the writer’s process. This can really change from reader to reader, and even on the mood of a single reader. Although I’m intrigued by the characters and their situation, I do feel a bit pulled out by the language. Ah, shit. I require at least one shit story per week, and this will fill the quota nicely. Took me second to register the particulars of the resolution, and then, there it was. I’m giving this one to #2 for a successful gross-out. You may not find me in such a mood very much more often, I’m afraid, #2, but for today, congrats. #1, you’ve got the makings of greatness in you, but today wasn’t your day. Chin up.
WINNER: Zack Sauvageau
MATCH D
1 – Erik S.
Matthews, undetected, had flanked the robber while his partner O’Meara engaged him, pleading for him to release the cashier.
Matthews took his shot just as the robber unexpectedly jerked the shopkeeper backwards.
A bloody haze was still dissipating around the robber’s stunned face when O’Meara put three bullets in his chest.
This was going to be so much paperwork.
2 – Melissa D.
…with a sigh. No blaze of glory. You once imagined You vs the Man. You vs God. A final battle that meant something.
But this? Pill bottle. Liquor bottle. Cell phone by your head, a dim glow keeps you awake.
A text vibrates and reads, “You there?”
Thoughts swim in circles. Do I struggle, or do I go out…
MATTHEW: A few more words and I’m sure story 1 would’ve included “I’m getting too old for this job.” I
liked it a lot, for what it was, which was pretty on the nose. But it didn’t feel unearned, and it flowed well. Unfortunately, story 2 is a small piece of intensity, and I like how it hints at repeating itself. It’s pretty chilling. WINNER: #2
Novak – For me, these are both stories that resonate with potential, but both are cut a bit short. #1 feels the need to go for the gag when it had been a nice, tight story until then. It worked on a comedic level, but it didn’t match the tone of the rest of the story, and felt like it sold it a little short. #2 gets where it needs to, but the terseness of the language prevents some of the emotional connection you want in such a tale. Ultimately though, I appreciated the way it stayed true to itself, so #2 wins. A close match-up though, so take solace other writer.
ANDY: #1 is a nice, neat story that gives us a setup, the action, and a nice conclusion. Nicely constructed within the word limit, and the voice works well. I want to give kudos to #2 for the attempt to tackle some heavy subject matter, and you came oh-so-close to having something great here. Unfortunately, I feel some dissonance in the perspective of the narrative: third person or first person? However, I am successfully pulled into the moment and the mind of this character. Close call, but I’m giving the edge to #1, which felt a little more polished.
WINNER: Melissa D.
MATCH E
1 – AMR
“Fuck! Where’s the check?”
Christy sees I don’t understand.
“The fucking insurance check! I set it right here so I’d remember to deposit it!”
As if I hid it from her. “I don’t know; I don’t use that table.”
Her nostrils flare. She thinks I’m blaming her. “Don’t worry, it’ll show up.”
It didn’t. The rent bounced. I split.
2 – Beau
The sun was blackening. His brethren were banging on pots and drums to scare away the dragon. Yang Tsen knew better. His family long held the responsibility of protecting Chengdu and he could think of no greater honor. He handed his katana to his eldest son, kneeled, and awaited his glorious sacrifice. The sun would live another generation.
MATHEW: Really not a lot to say about story 1. It doesn’t really feel like a crisis, because we’re seeing in through the speaker’s eyes, and he obviously couldn’t care less. Story 2 borders on the epic, and it’s really effective storytelling for 59 words. WINNER: #2
Novak – #1 drives me crazy – it introduces a conflict but doesn’t resolve it, it just walks away from it (both literally (because it’s literature… get it?) and figuratively). Introducing the threat – rent bouncing, and all that – earlier could help the conflict gain consequence earlier in the story. #2 is fantastic. Especially the double entendre in the last line. Ultimate sacrifice, cool fantasy setting… I feel like I haven’t been rewarding these enough this season, since I usually love ‘em, so I’m glad to give #2 the nod this time.
ANDY: #1, you had me invested in the characters and where the story might be going, but that ending just really jolted me out of the story and felt really tacked on and sudden. Unfortunately it ruined what was a great opening few lines. #2 is my favorite piece this week, and one of my favorites of the whole competition. Everything is working for me here: setting, voice, character, language, originality. The story is very nicely contained within the word limit as well. I loved it. Easy choice for #2.
WINNER: Beau
MATCH F
1 – Kelly Wells
The terrorist walks past my seat, threatening us.
Mom whispers, “Happy birthday. I was going to give you Twilight Sparkle. I love you so much.” I wipe her tears.
The bad man passes by once more. I trip him and a good guy takes him down.
I’ve been asking for Twilight Sparkle since I turned five. She’s brave too.
2 – Eric Schapp
Pete took his hand off of the throttle. Damn birds. You never know when you’ll hit them.
But it seemed everything was okay. He turned off the no smoking sign. Even though the icon no longer made sense in modern airplanes he didn’t want to test his luck.
He gave the controls to Becky and lit up a Camel.
MATTHEW: I guess friendship really is magic. I have to say neither of these stories really gripped me, but I thought the post-crisis cigarette was a nice touch. In the case of story 1, the mention of Twilight Sparkle felt very heavy-handed and shoehorned in. I don’t think it added as much to the story as the author hoped it might. I’m giving this one to story 2. WINNER: #2
Novak – #1 is a little unclear in the setting, but I’m going to assume it’s a plane, because then we’ve got a fun Airplane! matchup. Shirley, that’s a strange coincidence (eh? eh?). I think #1 does a good job using motivation, how a kid would do something others might not, and it’s obviously the right thing (or at least it works out). There’s a believability in that motivation, even if it’s a bit extreme in the particular case here. #2 is a funny gag. Plus it introduces another fun fantasy element – female co-pilots! (eh? eh?). I smiled pretty big at the reveal. It’s a tight one, but #2 wins the airplane battle for me.
ANDY: #1 has a great, original concept and it’s executed well. It fits within the word limit nicely as a complete story. I enjoyed it. I can’t find very much fault with #2, the idea of turning off the no smoking sign is a clever one, and I liked it a lot. Neither stories are perfect, but I guess I’m more sympathetic to the protagonist in #1, and it gets my nod.
WINNER: Eric Schapp
MATCH G
1 – Erik Dikken
Oops. I now realize that I won’t be able to write my story tonight. Will Young will win by default AGAIN. My only method for defusing this crisis will be to submit something terribly meta. I hope this doesn’t affect my playoff hopes. Oh, I’ve only won once so far? Well consider that crisis defused.
2 – Will Young
Thome’s violent swing caught Redmond’s head. Gardy stared dejectedly ruing the day Corky Miller was released. With Mauer in the lineup, Gardy pondered his available moves. He doffed his cap, rubbed his hands through his balding hair, and clenched his teeth. Matt Garza would have to hit for himself. The horror!
And that’s why Drew Butera has a job.
MATTHEW: Ha-ha. Meta. Suuuupermeta. Ubermeta. The thing is, I don’t really feel like Story 2 earned the victory either. It’s a bit too (wait for it) “Inside Baseball” for me to connect with it, although I liked the accurate description of Gardenhire’s physicality. I dunno, I got a smile out of story 1. WINNER: #1
Novak – #1 is funny. #2 is not. (I was tempted to not write any more commentary, but that seems like poor sportsmanship from a judge somehow.). #2 is a bit too much like a sesame street character – it’s not showy, it’s telly. (eh? eh?). But I can at least appreciate the material. #1 is really quite funny in it’s meta approach. I like true meta – where the writing calls into question the nature of writing – but often dislike “faux meta” – where folks are just writing CdL fanfiction. #1 falls more into that category, but it’s quite witty in doing so, and also, screw Drew Butera. #1 wins.
ANDY: Nope, it’s not working #1. Nice try. Although I almost gave it to you after reading #2. This one really didn’t work for me, sorry. Baseball is really only interesting to me if it’s like a metaphor for something (even that is highly questionable), and this was straight up baseball inside humor. I’m sure there are many people out there who might get a kick out of this, unfortunately, I ain’t one of them. But, it’s better than a non-sub. Winner: #2.
WINNER: Erik Dikken
MATCH H
1 – David Larson
Shelly sat in the kitchen kneading her temples and staring at the blank paper in front of her. “Dad, I need a 59-word story about a man-made disaster, or my Creative Writing grade is sunk.”
The man left, and returned shortly with an ink-scrawled scrap of paper. “A spinning cat…the end of the world… 59 words – great! Thanks Dad!”
2 – Pete Bruzek
Every night, another cat.
From off the street he rescues them. They all have names, and he keeps track of them. When I tried to bring a few to the shelter, he found out and stopped me.
“I get it, Bob, you’re turning fifty next month.” I say.
My God, why can’t he just buy a damned convertible?
MATTHEW: Slightly less meta, story 1, but still meta. Again, doesn’t really bring me into a feeling of crisis or the aversion of same. Story 2 was an interesting take on the idea of a midlife crisis, and the last line actually made me chuckle. WINNER: #2
Novak – #1 is more of the true meta I was talking about. And I enjoy that. It’s a bit campy, but I applaud the effort to introduce character in meta. #2 has a funny last line. For the life of me, I can’t figure out where you could have added anything more, but the tone of the narrator makes them a fairly blank slate, and I wanted more character there. A solid entry. Also, what’s up with double cats? Are you all collaborating on your matchups just to mess with the judges? Anyway, I liked ‘em both, but the meta one won me over. #1 wins
ANDY: For a second you guys had me fooled into thinking you were working together to create the most awesome spectacle of a matchup ever! Oh well. Sorry, #1, you went totally meta on me and I missed the reference. Was it from this season? I’m too tired to remember or look it up, sorry. However, the concept comes across just fine whether or not I get the reference. It’s the fact that I recognize it as a reference that’s important, right? Also, why did you call the dad “the man”? Anyway, on to #2. Rescuing cats as midlife crisis? OK, not sure I would have ever thought of that, but it’s certainly an original idea. I felt like a bit more effort and time went into #2, and without a clearer distinction to help me make the call, that’s what I’m going with. Winner: #2.
WINNER: Pete Bruzek
For your next gag – I mean ‘gig’ – you’ve got to write a joke. It can be a new joke. It can be an old joke, re-purposed. Heck, it could just be an old joke. It doesn’t even really have to be funny. You could take an old joke and turn it into a sad story (chicken crosses road… to get to a job where he slaves away every day for a boss that hates him and a wage that’s too low). But there has to be a joke, and if you’re doing the “not funny” thing, you’d be wise to start from a joke that you’re sure the judges will recognize…
Match-ups are somewhere, but I don’t have ’em right now, so I’ll put them up later.
90 comments
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November 15, 2012 at 2:16 am
spookymilk
the mention of Twilight Sparkle felt very heavy-handed and shoehorned in.
Having kids and writing from their mindset is a thankless job while writing. This isn’t shoehorned in – this is my reality and Twilight Sparkle doesn’t seem high-concept to me at all. I see her every damned day.
If Twilight Sparkle was the object of this little girl’s obsession, why is she “shoehorned in?”
November 15, 2012 at 2:55 am
uberminz
In the middle of a terrorist attack or hijacking or whatever, when a mother proclaims her love for her child, explaining what the child was going to get for her birthday seems forced. “I love you” sure, “happy birthday,” yes. “Here’s what you would have gotten if we’d survived the flight,” I’m skeptical of. That’s what I meant by “shoehorned in.”
November 15, 2012 at 9:04 am
spookymilk
As a father, I can say I took this from what I thought I’d do in that situation. I wouldn’t know what the hell else to say, but I’d want to say something to the little girl who was about to die on her birthday. It’s funny, because your comments make it seem like Twilight Sparkle was the story and I was going to make it work regardless. The fact is, all I had was the little girl tripping on him to save the plane. The birthday gift thing happened organically because I knew the parent would say it.
November 15, 2012 at 9:32 am
uberminz
Sorry, it still feels unnatural to me. Not that either of us really know what natural sounds like in that circumstance. I didn’t say you’d be silent; in fact I said the happy birthday wish seemed perfectly natural to me. But it felt like the line about her gift was forced in just to get to the final line showing how that gift inspired the child’s actions. If you’d replaced Twilight Sparkle with any kind of toy or gift, it’d still come off as unnaturally wedged in to me.
November 15, 2012 at 9:53 am
spookymilk
I’m seriously sick of non-parents saying what’s natural in a parent-child situation. I felt like I couldn’t write about kids during Turbo and I resented the hell out of it. I hate that it’s happening again.
My elder daughter was stung by a scorpion a couple of months ago and she appeared to be dying to me before she got the antivenom. What I was saying to her was bizarre to me, but it was silly stuff like this. What would be better in that situation?
November 15, 2012 at 10:20 am
mbnovak
Well hey now… I said that motivation seemed exactly right.
November 15, 2012 at 11:01 am
uberminz
Nobody’s telling you what to write. But you have to accept that people will have differences of opinion about things, and that’s the risk you run when you enter a writing competition. You probably already know this, since it’s your site and all. But it holds.
If you want to discuss this story further, we can move it off-site. I have no problem defending my perspective on how the story came across to me, and I also have no problem with you telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about.
November 15, 2012 at 2:26 pm
Grey
Your gut reaction may be “that’s not believable,” but if you don’t stop to think “Well, I’m not a parent, what might a parent think in that situation,” you’re not doing the story justice.
I don’t mean this to me aggressive or argumentative; I think it’s an important point to make though. I also understand how time consuming judging is, and I do appreciate the outlet and opportunity.
November 15, 2012 at 2:39 pm
uberminz
It wasn’t a gut reaction, and I never described it as such. In fact, I went through each of the parent’s spoken lines and noted which ones felt believable to me, and which didn’t. To me, that’s pretty explicit evidence that I considered the story well beyond gut level.
I based my observations and criticism of those lines on how I felt a parent would react. It doesn’t align with how you and Kelly feel, and perhaps that’s something to do with our individual statuses as parents, but it doesn’t automatically mean I gave someone’s story short shrift.
November 15, 2012 at 9:37 am
Grey
I have to agree with this. As a parent, having been in a situation where I actually thought my child was dead, I know that what comes out of your mouth is whatever you think is going to connect with the child. I thought kelly’s story was genuine and accurate.
November 15, 2012 at 6:30 pm
AMR
Twilight Sparkle inspires the girl though. To trip the terrorist and save everyone, casually. Because That’s what’s important to her.
Which is to say: I get it, Milkman.
Last week, I imagined a story of my three older kids going hunting by themselves. (Ages 2.5-9), It was the 2.5 year old that could shoot the deer, for similar-enough reasons. I never typed any of the story out, because it was really dumb: the 2.5 yo could never hold and aim a gun.
November 15, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Beau
I have a katana she could use.
November 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm
AMR
The gun would be 100 times safer.
(By which I mean, 1/100th as dangerous.)
November 15, 2012 at 7:26 pm
AMR
(This morning, I wrote this on my home computer and didn’t post it until I got home from work and saw it still sitting there, unsent.
So it’s really only replying to Spooky’s first e-mail in mind of Uberminz’s reply.)
((And then I forgot to send this explanation before making and eating dinner.))
November 15, 2012 at 7:20 am
AMR
yay zack!
November 15, 2012 at 8:28 am
nibbish
Nice callback, Rhu_Ru. To use it in the week you’re playing me, (did you remember that I used the same idea later that season?) awesome.
November 15, 2012 at 8:47 am
Rhubarb_Runner
If you recall my age, you’d be impressed that I could even recall Black (Hole) Cat at all 😉
Way to swing the cat submission though!
November 15, 2012 at 8:32 am
Play With The Prose II — Challenge #7: Crisis | "é rayhahn, rayhahn"
[…] A “return” to mediocrity? RESULTS […]
November 15, 2012 at 9:08 am
christinapepper
“Story 1 suffers a little in that the actual crisis is a little undefined.”
The deal here is that professional wrestling matches are all worked, which is to say planned in advance and staged. For a wrestler, it would be a crisis if his opponent suddenly decides to deviate from the plan and fight for real.
My inspiration came from the infamous 1998 cell match between Mankind and the Undertaker. Though it was worked, there were some unplanned and pretty horrific moments.
November 15, 2012 at 9:12 am
spookymilk
I got all of it immediately, but I’m a pretty big fan of the stuff, so…
I just watched that cell match a couple of weeks ago again. It’s far from my favorite cell match, but it sure is the most memorable. What were they thinking?!
November 15, 2012 at 9:34 am
uberminz
And like I mentioned, the lingo escapes me. “Worked” struck me as meaning “overworked” or “hammed-up” rather than “pre-planned.”
November 15, 2012 at 9:38 am
Beau
Yeah, I had the same experience reading it. In fact, at first I read it as a typo.
November 15, 2012 at 9:23 am
Beau
This feels like the eighteenth time Spooky has written something about or from a kid’s perspective and has had the judges (including me) say, “Yeah, that’s not realistic,” and I’m not sure any of the judges who have said that have had children.
November 15, 2012 at 9:35 am
uberminz
I’m at a double-disadvantage, since I was birthed fully-formed at age 30 from a protein tube at a biolab, and thus never had a childhood of my own.
November 15, 2012 at 9:37 am
Beau
Aw, sorry man. Being a teenager was freaking awesome. You miss all the good parts.
November 15, 2012 at 9:38 am
The Dread Pirate
There were good parts?
November 15, 2012 at 10:23 am
mbnovak
You don’t remember all those dances where you didn’t have a date?
November 15, 2012 at 9:55 am
spookymilk
I had decided not to bring you up, but yes, the only judges who have said things like that don’t have kids. I feel like the woman who’s having old white Republicans explain to her what constitutes whether she’s been raped.
November 15, 2012 at 10:18 am
hungry joe
dude, that’s a pretty extreme comparison there. these are just opinions after all. i don’t really see why you’re getting that worked up over it, even as a parent.
also, what’s twilight sparkle? is that one of those fruity vampire stories i’ve been hearing about?
November 15, 2012 at 10:41 am
spookymilk
Why make a comparison at all if it isn’t EXTREME?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?
Can you really not see why I’m worked up over it? Writing is one of the only things in the world that I love, and kids are one of the only others. I can’t put those two things together here, and that sucks.
If I could separate myself from the results, I’d be fine. I can’t, though, because I am waaaaaaaay too competitive. That’s my fault, and I’m aware.
November 15, 2012 at 10:43 am
mbnovak
Writing is one of the only things in the world that I love, and kids are one of the only others. I can’t put those two things together here, and that sucks.
Tell it to the final challenge of Survivor X!
November 15, 2012 at 10:43 am
spookymilk
Also, I should note that this isn’t about this week, it’s about the culmination of the same thing happening to me over and over in Turbo. I was in some cases writing stories based on true events, and being told they weren’t believable. It wore me down.
November 15, 2012 at 10:48 am
hungry joe
well, i can see why you are getting worked up over it 😉
November 15, 2012 at 11:17 am
The Dread Pirate
Can you really not see why I’m worked up over it? Writing is one of the only things in the world that I love, and kids are one of the only others. I can’t put those two things together here, and that sucks.
And yet I got eliminated in Survivor X by writing a story about parenting and getting a two from you.
/I keed, I keed. I clearly wrote a story with no appeal to the judges this week.
//take the freealonzo, Pirate route (especially in Turbo) and just write to make yourself happy rather than to please the judges
November 15, 2012 at 11:20 am
The Dread Pirate
I was in some cases writing stories based on true events, and being told they weren’t believable.
Maybe you should live a more normal life.
November 15, 2012 at 11:21 am
mbnovak
Usually, I’d agree with Will. But this time I’m a judge, so I don’t.
November 15, 2012 at 11:23 am
spookymilk
Fair enough, Will. I’m pretty ridiculous.
November 15, 2012 at 11:31 am
hungry joe
And yet I got eliminated in Survivor X by writing a story about parenting and getting a two from you.
that’s because your story wasn’t believable.
November 15, 2012 at 9:25 am
Grey
I have no idea why Helda would be leaving Iver. None etc.:
Seriously? How is this not so obviously spelled out that Iver has gone soft and Helda doesn’t trust his strength as the head of the family anymore? Any more specific and I’d be hitting the reader over the head with it… I can’t believe I lost to a poop joke on this site…
November 15, 2012 at 9:36 am
uberminz
Yes, seriously.
November 15, 2012 at 9:39 am
Grey
For really really serious?
November 15, 2012 at 9:40 am
uberminz
Crappin’ you negative.
November 15, 2012 at 9:41 am
Grey
poop me positive?
November 15, 2012 at 9:43 am
uberminz
If you insist. Gimme ten minutes.
November 15, 2012 at 9:25 am
Beau
Colin, I presume Helda wants to leave Iver because she just discovered he’s a murderer? I thought your story was pretty awesome and straightforward even though it was different.
November 15, 2012 at 9:26 am
Beau
oh, wow, I was way off. I was thinking teardrop tattoo. Still, I like yours just the same.
November 15, 2012 at 9:27 am
Grey
hah! thanks, dude. Not a murderer though, just gone soft. Now, though, I have to rethink the whole obvious thing, if you didn’t get it either.
November 15, 2012 at 10:25 am
mbnovak
I didn’t get that part of it either. I figured there was more than just “he’d gone soft,” especially since we didn’t know the softness was a change for him.
I also can’t believe you lost to a poop joke.
November 15, 2012 at 9:38 am
The Dread Pirate
So I was going for the “crisis, that isn’t really a crisis at all, but the protaganist simply blows something fairly trivial wholly out of proportion in his own mind,” but Erik did a much, much better job taking the same route.
November 15, 2012 at 9:39 am
Grey
That’s what I was going to say!
November 15, 2012 at 10:37 am
kg2005
Yesterday before I left work I was invited to go to the casino. I knew that would mean that I wouldn’t be able to write my story, so I was just going to write an apology. My apology turned into that weird mess that I submitted, I just wanted to be able to say I “submitted”. For what it’s worth I thought yours was quite funny.
November 15, 2012 at 9:47 am
Rhubarb_Runner
Zack’s on the board! Guess you’ve figured out the key ingredient that the judges are looking for now, eh? Uh, yeah…
November 15, 2012 at 10:00 am
zaaack
It’s a good thing I have at least seven weeks’ worth of flowery language to describe feces saved up.
November 15, 2012 at 10:01 am
hungry joe
the last line in mine wasn’t meant to be funny. at least that wasn’t my intention. it was supposed to be a police officer’s detached response to knowing they’d made a terrible mistake by killing an innocent.
even with that, i still would have given the edge to melissa. nice job this week.
November 15, 2012 at 10:59 am
Beau
I just realized a katana is a Japanese sword. I suppose it’s not impossible one would have wound up in Chengdu thousands of years ago, except for the fact that katanas didn’t even exist until about 800 years ago. I’m annoyed at myself.
November 15, 2012 at 11:07 am
uberminz
It’s okay, since the pen’s mightier.
November 15, 2012 at 11:13 am
hungry joe
i call for immediate disqualification.
November 15, 2012 at 11:16 am
mbnovak
Request pending.
November 15, 2012 at 12:16 pm
The Dread Pirate
Secondy-second.
November 15, 2012 at 2:27 pm
Grey
yes!
November 15, 2012 at 11:22 am
Rhubarb_Runner
I’m filing a protest with the league office.
November 15, 2012 at 11:13 am
eahnpurato
Whoa, Melissa, damn. I think that’s my favorite story of the whole competition so far. That is masterful use of second person. Fantastic.
November 15, 2012 at 11:22 am
spookymilk
Schapp, a customer and I were just talking about Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger out of nowhere a couple of days ago. It was really weird to see a story written about the same situation today. GET OUT OF MY HEAD
November 15, 2012 at 11:29 am
yickit
I’m trying, but it seems to be a Matrix.
November 15, 2012 at 11:31 am
spookymilk
In that case, I regret to inform you that you’ll soon be writing about hardcore betrayal porn.
November 15, 2012 at 11:32 am
yickit
Damn. Hard to make a joke out of that.
November 15, 2012 at 11:50 am
Rhubarb_Runner
YOUR FACE IS A JOKE DUDE
November 15, 2012 at 11:36 am
yickit
I’m also glad that my references are relevant.
November 15, 2012 at 11:38 am
spookymilk
I’ll never forget that dude’s name. I don’t like how overused the word “hero” is, but he’s a hero.
November 15, 2012 at 12:48 pm
infantsquirrel
Can I drop a poll on y’all ? Was my story not almost totally obvious? Maybe I’ve watched too many Discovery documentaries. The x-ray.. the missing pager… the doctor afraid of losing his license and needing to perform another quick surgery… the muffled beeping. No, a nightstand was not in the film – that’s why there was a pager mentioned, and beeping in the room, and the x-ray.. I give up. 😉 Kelly? Anyone?
November 15, 2012 at 12:54 pm
hungry joe
your story was almost totally obvious (though i’ll admit to missing the muffled beeps; for some reason i attributed that to other hospital machinery). i thought it was a great story.
i meant to mention that the chick fight totally lived up to its billing. nice job, dudes.
November 15, 2012 at 12:57 pm
infantsquirrel
I feel like an idiot. Whenever I feel like I nailed it… well, I didn’t. 😀
November 15, 2012 at 12:57 pm
infantsquirrel
CHICK FIGHT!!!!1!!! Christina totally kicked my ass! John’s going to send payment!
November 15, 2012 at 12:57 pm
Beau
I was more lost than the judges, but that’s why I’m no longer judging at CdL.
November 15, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Rhubarb_Runner
I STILL don’t get it.
November 15, 2012 at 1:07 pm
Rhubarb_Runner
AHHHHHHH
November 15, 2012 at 1:08 pm
nibbish
The beeper wasn’t on the nightstand like the doctor thought, because it had found its way somewhere else, necessitating a second surgery.
November 15, 2012 at 1:12 pm
nibbish
Impeccable Timing Man strikes again.
November 15, 2012 at 1:01 pm
nibbish
I’m pretty certain I got the whole thing right away, but I have a track record to keep up, so I’ll just say that yours probably had something to do with child abandonment and poop jokes.
November 15, 2012 at 1:03 pm
infantsquirrel
Hey – it was all about body issues, dude. The beeper thought it was fat and the wife was into bagel-facing.
November 15, 2012 at 1:04 pm
infantsquirrel
(or whatever you call that gross injection thing that makes it look like a Play-Skool donut is in yo’ face)
November 15, 2012 at 1:05 pm
christinapepper
For what it’s worth, I totally got it. Even the muffled beeps. No, especially the muffled beeps. The way you punctuated the line about the nightstand confused me slightly but not enough to miss what was going on there.
I very nearly submitted a story that also took place in a hospital, so that would have been quite the interesting pairing. But I finally decided my only chance against you would have to involve grown men in underwear pretending to hurt one another.
November 15, 2012 at 1:07 pm
infantsquirrel
You nailed it! GIRL POWER! (except I’m not really a girl – I’m a sweatpants math nerd gamer who hates the L word)
November 15, 2012 at 1:13 pm
christinapepper
GRRRL POWER!
November 15, 2012 at 1:22 pm
infantsquirrel
I hope cheetos are a part of girl power, because… well, because.
November 15, 2012 at 2:21 pm
mbnovak
As opposed to werewolf “GRRWL POWER!”
November 15, 2012 at 1:13 pm
uberminz
In my experience, your stories are never totally obvious. But that’s not necessarily a negative. It fits into your style of setting the mood through vivid detail, and allowing the reader to gather the basics from those details. It’s a nice approach, but when you’re limited to 59 words, it’s not always as effective as it would otherwise be.
November 15, 2012 at 1:19 pm
infantsquirrel
Well put – that’s why this game is so challenging. I am kind of a rambler, but ramblin’ isn’t an option in this game. I love being pushed beyond my comfort zone – having to write like John Bonham played (heh) is not my strong point. Dude, 59 words is a SENTENCE when I’m free to use my amateur-normal writing style! 😉
November 15, 2012 at 2:20 pm
mbnovak
I made it my “Close Call” of the week. I thought it was the exact right amount of obvious.
November 15, 2012 at 5:14 pm
infantsquirrel
OK – I just hope to figure out what I can do better (and what I can back off!)
Seriously – this 59-ing is frickin’ exhausting. That’s what she said, yeah yeah… 😉