Some of you guys still live in Minnesota, right? So how come nobody decided to invent a modern folk hero who travels the land shoveling peoples’ driveways and sidewalks? C’maaaaaahhhn.
Don’t mind me, I’m just bitter and lazy (that is, an aspiring writer). Onto the results:
MATCH A
1 – Colin Woolston
There was a man who’s moral fortitude and dedication to protecting conservative values that keep the masses in line outmatched any alive. With a gesture alone he could silence an opinionated woman or brown person. For this he was loved by thousands. Called The Mad Hatter, we will always know him as Rev. Phelps, and his legacy continues.
2 – Melissa D
Non-Submit
MATTHEW: While I love the satire and political commentary, and I commend you for creating your own latter-day folk “hero,” I would have absolutely voted against you this week, Story 1. It’s “whose,” not “who’s.” You’re lucky you matched up against a non-sub. WINNER: #1
ANDY: I see what you’re going for here, but I’m kind of a “meh” on this one. The “brown person” line was pretty good, though. Anyhoo, it don’t matter none, as you win by DEFAULT. Winner #1.
Novak – First off, “who’s” isn’t possessive. Second, #1 wins. Third, though picking on folks like Phelps is sort of fish in a barrel, this is a really clever, backhanded way of doing it.
WINNER: Colin Woolston
MATCH B
1 – Ian Pratt
When Paul Bunyon rose up to combat the destructive menace of Godzilla, there was one thing he didn’t anticipate: falling in love.
“Zill, I know this is sudden,” said Paul later, bending down on one massive knee. On cue, Babe appeared with the ring hanging from a big blue horn.
“RRRRRAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Godzilla answered with a blast of atomic breath.
2 – David Larson
The battle between Godzilla and Superman raged for interminable weeks, each having materialized inexplicably from their respective country’s tortured psyches. Yet both cowered in abject fear at The Unspeakable Horror that emerged from the crushing depths, summoned forth by the misguided faculty of Miskatonic University. It was then that Americans realized a crippling two-party gridlock trumps a non-benevolent dictatorship.
MATTHEW: Whoa, matchup serendipity. Two stories of the Zilla/American Hero variety facing off. Story 2, did you mean to say that two party gridlock trumps dictatorship? Because your story seems to suggest that the Cthulhu mythos wins here. Maybe you meant to imply that Americans would’ve preferred the two-party system. Well, never mind…I still found myself enjoying story 1 better, because it made me laugh out loud. And it was…a love story. WINNER: #1
ANDY: I appreciate the effort, #2, and the prose is great, I just wasn’t moved enough by the concept. I don’t want to take too much away from your piece, as it shows the signs of excellent writing skill, and clearly a good amount of effort. The concept of Paul Bunyan falling in love just tickled me a bit more, and I guess that’s the difference maker. Winner: #1.
Novak – Oh, you’ve got me laughing out loud #1. That’s awesome. Also, two godzillas? What are the odds? #2, I wasn’t quite sure what you’re going for. The last line reads like the moral of a fable, but the rest of the entry doesn’t set it up quite right. #1 wins.
WINNER: Ian Pratt
MATCH C
1 – Sarah Johnson
“The fastest squirrels live in the clouds. They climb right up the raindrops with acorns in their cheeks. Sometimes the acorns fall down – that’s hail. That’s how daddy got those dents in his car.” My wife rolled her eyes, unconvinced.
Andy poked his big brother’s arm.
“See, dummy? It was squirrels – not those rocks I was throwin’!”
2 – Beau
Mark loaded Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. “My daddy says a long time ago, a man named Lance Flamebucket visited Native Americans. Because of his lisp, they didn’t understand his teachings about property rights, but were mesmerized by his sparkly diamond jewelry.”
Ricky grabbed his controller. “And that’s why Indians like beads and trinkets?”
“Yup,” Mark replied. “And casinos!”
MATTHEW: Huh. I don’t know, Story 2, that felt kind of weak. I can kind of see a couple of kids having this conversation, but it didn’t really formulate a nice, compact fable or tall tale like Story 1 did. Story 1 did suffer from lacking a central mythic figure. As a sheer story, though, it worked better, and gave me a good chuckle. WINNER: #1
ANDY: These both employ a healthy dose of quirky humor, which I enjoyed a lot. They both give us a nice window into the wonderful inanity that kids make up or mishear. I think #2 was a little clearer and straightforward in its execution, so I’m giving it the narrow win. #2.
Novak – #1 is a fantastic story. I’m not sure it satisfies the parameter of the challenge though… are fast squirrels supposed to be a new tall tale? #2 is quite imaginative. I’m not quite sure what the video gaming has to do with anything though. Lot of words wasted on the game title… I like #1 better, so I’m going to be lenient and go with that as my winner, and let the other judges make the decision on whether or not it is DQed. [NOTE: it was agreed by the judges that the story would not be DQ’d]
WINNER: Sarah Johnson
MATCH D
1 – Peter Bruzek
Non-Submit
2 – Eric Schapp
The sun slowly dipped below Haynes Ridge like a paquet twenty melting into a bloody precipice. The ranger, teetering on death’s doorstep, urged his horse forward into Caprock Canyon with a tap of his spurs. Amarillo was hours away, but the medicine had made it over the Llano Estacado. Chuck stared death in the face, and death backed down.
MATTHEW: Yeah! You GO, Chuck! WINNER: #2
ANDY: I’m not quite sure how this is a Tall Tale, but it certainly was evocative and set a good tone. I’m just a bit confused about the focus of the story. However, it will win against a non-sub every time.
Novak – #2 wins. I’m not quite sure who “Chuck” is… but the writing is awesome.
WINNER: Eric Schapp
MATCH E
1 – AMR
Not many folks ever talk about Paul Jr, who was born regular-size, despite being the product of Paul Sr. and a giantess named Lucette. Well, his mammy’s VD left him half-blind and disfigured. His pappy called him a “little pig” and disowned him. So “Pig One-Eye” went west as soon as he was grown and settled in Minnesota Territory.
2 – Erik Dikken
Non-Submit
MATTHEW: Aw, now see, that’s a damn fine fable, Story #1! Relates to the real world, describes a fantastical series of events, and features a distinct heroic personage. It’s a history Saint Paul could embrace. The non-submit dulls what’s probably been the best fable of the night.
ANDY: Thank you, #1, for giving me a hearty laugh. I enjoyed this piece very much. The humor is right up my alley. In fact, I think it’s one of the funniest things I’ve read all season. You would have beat a lot of other writers this week, methinks. Congrats. #1.
Novak – #1 wins. Far too many nonsubs this week!
WINNER: AMR
MATCH F
1 – Erik S
After a nice night out in the Loop, Gary was walking his wife Doris back to their car when out from the shadows stepped a well-dressed, mammoth of a man. Light glinted off his diamond rings and his .32.
Cuts and bruises all healed, he took aim at Gary and said, “Ain’t no one fuck with Leroy Brown”
2 – Kelly Wells
Paul was hungry. He weakly sauntered through the decimated forest – which had long since run dry of resources for the giant – leading Babe to a clearing, trying to be discreet.
“I’m sorry, friend,” Paul said to the loyal, trusting ox as he raised his axe and shed a lake-sized tear. “I’m so, so sorry.”
MATTHEW: Ohhhh! Poor Babe! I liked both of these stories, even though they both skirted along the borderline of what was and wasn’t a “fable.” Certainly modern day heroic figures abound. But story #2 had all the right touches throughout, hearkening back to the history of the original Bunyan, with a touching end. We’ll call it Paul Bunyan’s Gritty Reboot. WINNER: #2
ANDY: It was a great original idea, #1, and you executed it well. Unfortunately, I preferred the concept in #2. The idea was original, and the emotion came through. Tough call on this one, but I’m going with #2. Can’t find much fault with #1, just a personal preference.
Novak – Ooh, Leroy Brown! There’s a good reference story. And a villain tall tale to boot! I like it #1. #2 is dark. It’s a good job working with the source material and taking it to a new place. The creative idea in #1 wins the day.
WINNER: Kelly Wells
MATCH G
1 – Will Young
The wagon train found Pecos Bill resting against a cactus. When Harrison approached Bill with his gun cocked and his dog at his side, a rattlesnake snapped at Harrison. Bill stepped in the snake’s path and absorbed the bite. Harrison was mortified and apologized profusely. Feeling immense guilt, Harrison dug a proper grave. Three days later, the rattlesnake died.
2 – Christina Pepper
The contest began with speed collating. Then, scheduling a board meeting. Next, brewing coffee. Finally, getting the boss’s airhead daughter a White House internship. This supercomputer threatened administrative assistants everywhere. After performing my third blow job, I realized I’d secured the girl’s internship and found one thing it could not do. Until I asphyxiated on the semen and died.
MATTHEW: I like the style that Story 1 uses, and it’s a pretty reasonable fable. Not terribly modern, but it does the job. Speaking of doing the job, holy spoogebuckets, Story #2. I like a lot of where this was heading (ha!), but I would’ve appreciated a lighter touch (ha!) at the end. If the final “talent” were hinted at, I think it would have served the story better. Still, it wasn’t until the totally-tacked-on feeling of the final line that you lost me. The story went from nice build-up to outlandish to ridiculous at whiplash speed. WINNER: #1
ANDY: I appreciate the effort to go in a different direction, #2. It was written just fine, I was just left with the feeling that it was trying too hard to push the concept through. The matter of fact ending, which can work well at times, wasn’t working for me this time. Maybe it’s just my mood. I enjoyed the tone and setting of #1 quite a bit, and it had a concept I didn’t expect. That’s enough to give it the edge. Winner: #1.
Novak – Another “new vs. classic” matchup. Both of these are fantastic. It’s my “Close Call” of the week, and, for as much as I love #1, the twist on John Henry in #2 is far too exciting. I love the story of John Henry, so this certainly picked the right way to go.
WINNER: Will Young
MATCH H
1 – Dean Carlson
Dick Bunyan was never as famous as his big brother but it was he who found and tamed Babe the Blue Ox. Some questioned Dick’s blue ox taming techniques but not Paul; he didn’t ask exactly what he did, but appreciated them nonetheless. Paul just didn’t get why everyone called his little brother Dick. Their mother named him Peter
2 – Zack Sauvageau
During the drought of 1843, the Appleseed family was greatly affected. Without crops to work, or any money for fun, Johnny passed the time masturbating. One day, the urge came over him while in a field. His spunk landed on the cracked dirt.
The next day, Johnny found an apple tree growing where he’d came. He knew what to do.
MATTHEW: And a couple of dick jokes to end the evening. Unless I’m completely misreading Story #1, that is. But if I don’t apply the dick-joke filter to it, it just comes off as a shaggy dog story, and that’s kind of an odd choice to make for tonight’s challenge. Story #2 was a seed joke more than a dick joke, I suppose. But giving away the family name so early took away any humorous impact that the ending might’ve had. Instead it’s just kind of “oh, I see.” But it does enough to outpace the shaggy dogginess of Story 1. WINNER: #2
ANDY: Interesting pairing. I’m not really sure what to do with these. You people are sick. Sick sick sick sick. I’m not sure if the missing period at the end of #1 was intentional, or someone forgot to paste it in, but it seems to fit the tone of the story. Gosh, these stories are so similar in concept and execution I really don’t know what to do. I’m going with #2, just because we’ve seen enough Paul Bunyan stories. Sorry, #1.
Novak – A study in taking classics to crass places. #1 is funny, but it doesn’t quite give us enough direct action to engage us in the joke the same way #2 does. #2 wins.
WINNER: Zack Sauvageau
Okay folks, now comes the last challenge. Your last opportunity to make your case for post-season thrills and spills. The challenge for this last week: A Ghostly Christmas. We all know just how splendid and loving ol’ Ebeneezer Scrooge became after his harrowing visit from four spirits on Christmas Eve. But what about the fallout for the spirits themselves? How did they feel about the outcome? What was their Xmas like? Did they get some kind of spiritual promotion? Give us your best 59-word story telling us how the ghosts (or one of them, or a couple, whatever) wound up after their task was done. And make it count or you too could be visited by the ghost of your former business partner, bearing subpoenas.
And before we move on to final matchups, I would like to ask the participants to tell us their preferred post-season format in the comments here. There’s been some scuttlebutt about running a winner’s and a loser’s bracket, as well as the suggestion of doing a whole big sweet-16 bracket. But I have to say, given the increase in non-subs, I don’t know that there’s really enough interest among the lower seeds to justify such an endeavor. A three-round, six-participant playoff series seems fairest and most interesting to me personally. But you all should get a say too. So say so! So say so!
MATCHUPS:
Beau vs. Kelly Wells
Sarah Johnson vs. Eric Schapp
Erik S vs. Christina Pepper
Pete Bruzek vs. Melissa D
DPWY vs. David Larson
Colin Woolston vs. Erik Dikken
Ian Pratt vs. Zack Sauvageau
AMR vs. Dean Carlson
58 comments
Comments feed for this article
December 9, 2012 at 11:42 pm
Beau
Novak: It’s just telling that Mark’s father is racist and homophobic and allows his little boy to play one of the most violent and lewd games on the market.
December 9, 2012 at 11:45 pm
kg2005
I’ve done well in picking the weeks not to submit. In each case I wouldn’t have beaten the other story anyway!
December 9, 2012 at 11:58 pm
spookymilk
I love the idea of a sweet sixteen bracket, but indeed, whether because of fatigue or whatever it is, the number of nonsubs has been mounting. A single-elimination tournament might cut down on that, but whether we ran that or not, I would prefer the “official” championship to be the six-person, three-round thingy.
December 10, 2012 at 12:00 am
Beau
Playoff Implications, assuming we’re still doing top six and tiebreaker is head-to-head (as opposed to judge’s votes) and non-subs don’t matter. Or maybe the judges will just pick playoff people on a whim.
1. Ian, Christina, and Sarah are in.
2. Eric Schapp is in with a win, or a loss by Melissa or Erik S.
3. Beau is in with a win or a loss by Melissa.
4. Melissa is in with a win or losses by Kelly AND Erik S.
5. Kelly is in with a win.
6. Erik S is in with a win AND a loss by either Kelly or Melissa
7. Will is in with a win AND losses by Kelly AND Melissa AND Erik S
December 10, 2012 at 7:10 am
The Dread Pirate
It’s only fitting that the only reason I’m not in the driver’s seat (I would have held all the tiebreakers) for the final spot is because I nonsubbed the sentence I was going to write about meeting with meat and Dr. Chop for pork.
December 10, 2012 at 8:39 am
freealonzo
Says the guy who’s had to compete against 4 or so non-subs.
December 10, 2012 at 10:20 am
hungry joe
non-sub opponents:
Will Young – 4
Eric Schapp – 3
Kelly Wells – 3
Melissa David – 2
Ian Pratt – 1
Beau – 1
AMR – 1
Colin Woolston – 1
Christina Pepper – 0
Sarah Johnson – 0
Erik S – 0
David Larson – 0
Zack Sauvageau – 0
Dean Carlson – 0
Erik Dikken – 0
Peter Bruzek – 0
December 10, 2012 at 10:41 am
The Dread Pirate
That’s why it’s fitting!
December 10, 2012 at 7:17 am
Rhubarb_Runner
Serpentine, Shel — serpentine!
December 10, 2012 at 9:31 am
freealonzo
I suggested the sweet 16 playoff schedule because I didn’t think it would be that onerous (it’s only 59 words for criminy sakes) and it would give everyone a shot at glory. However with the non-subs piling up I would agree that the top 6 format seems the way to go.
Guess I have to go out with a bang in my last submission.
December 10, 2012 at 9:54 am
christinapepper
Guess I got a little too cocky, eh?
December 10, 2012 at 10:21 am
hungry joe
http://instantrimshot.com/
December 10, 2012 at 10:06 am
Grey
funny thing is, I typed ‘whose’ and it got auto corrected by outlook. Yeah it wasn’t a good entry.
Can someone give Gilman a hug, or a bj or something? I’ll volunteer for the former. Where’s Shawn when you need her? (I kid; if anyone on this site is to be considered the surly one, it’s me).
December 10, 2012 at 11:03 am
mbnovak
Yeah… I miss Shawn.
December 10, 2012 at 11:28 am
spookymilk
But Shawn Ashley will return in…
SPOOKYMILK SURVIVOR XIII
December 10, 2012 at 10:22 am
Rhubarb_Runner
Matthew: yes, Chthulu “wins”, but this makes the non-Chthulu scenario more preferable. Well, for most people.
I ALMOST used Paul Bunyan instead of Superman, which would have been channeling New Guy too closely (or is that vise versa?) — we’ve had some awesome pairings the past couple of challenges.
December 10, 2012 at 10:50 am
Play With The Prose II — Challenge #14: Modern Tall Tale | "é rayhahn, rayhahn"
[…] Same ol’, same ol’? RESULTS […]
December 10, 2012 at 11:27 am
AMR
After a tough period for me, things should lighten up soon. And the high praise for this week’s entry has reinvigorated me. (Thanks, I’m blushing.)
I’m for as expanded a playoffs as possible.
Suggestion:
8-player tourney (no byes).
Anyone not in the playoffs can do an entry and if there are any non-subs, the judges pick their best of that lot to replace it. (If multiple non-subs, go by seed.) This will require the judges to do some sort of scoring or discussing to decide who the best of the “replacement” entries are, so there’s a backside to that, but it only needs to be done if there are non-subs. And the winners got there in part by submitting.
December 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm
Beau
8 player tourney would guarantee me a playoff spot. Sounds good to me!
Your other idea is interesting. It sounds like it could be a headache for the judges, but as a player I would have no serious qualms with it. Though, rather than the “best of the replacements” it would probably have to be the replacement with the best overall record.
December 10, 2012 at 12:12 pm
spookymilk
This is bloated and confusing. As such, I like it.
Anything that cuts down on nonsubs is a good thing, and given that some folks definitely were helped by nonsubs and some weren’t, slightly expanded playoffs might be a good idea.
December 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm
hungry joe
which folks were those? 😉
December 10, 2012 at 12:19 pm
AMR
I think you know.
December 10, 2012 at 12:16 pm
christinapepper
I like the sound of this as well. If a “replacement” entry takes the place of a nonsub, is the replacement player in the playoffs for the remainder instead of the original entrant?
December 10, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Beau
That would have to be the idea.
December 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm
freealonzo
I like this idea with one slight modification. Instead of the judges picking another story for the non-sub place it’s just the highest seed (9-16) who submits that would be picked. For example of there are two non-subs and seeds 10, 11, and 15 also submit, the judges would insert #10 and #11’s submission into the contest.
December 10, 2012 at 12:18 pm
AMR
No, I think it should be “play your way back in”: you sucked during the regular season, but your conference champ (reg season) is guaranteed a spot in the tourney, and is resting their starters. You take that opening and your 11-19 record and make a run for the dance. Of course, if the conf winner doesn’t rest their starters (all the playoff teams make their submission), and your chance doesn’t arise.
#strainedsportsanalogies
December 10, 2012 at 12:21 pm
mbnovak
Actually, I think the judges are just going to anoint a winner via random.org, and do away with the playoffs all together.
December 10, 2012 at 12:28 pm
AMR
Among those who submit!
December 10, 2012 at 12:33 pm
mbnovak
Nah. We’re including people who didn’t even sign up for the season. Lois Lane has a chance of winning this thing!
December 10, 2012 at 3:22 pm
daneekasghost
Finally, my chance to taste the sweet victory of my name on the sidebar!
December 10, 2012 at 3:31 pm
mbnovak
Hey, now I’ve got my name on there as many times as you do! Of course, one of ’em is because Kelly destroyed me…
December 10, 2012 at 11:28 am
AMR
I liked Kelly’s a lot just because of “lake-sized tear”.
December 10, 2012 at 11:30 am
AMR
Also liked Ian’s and Sarah’s.
December 10, 2012 at 11:49 am
spookymilk
Thanks. That phrase was a last-second addition before I submitted.
December 10, 2012 at 11:51 am
AMR
It’s what made it a Paul Bunyan story.
December 10, 2012 at 11:57 am
freealonzo
I’m shocked the implied bestiality in my submission didn’t garner at least one vote (even with the missing period) :o)
December 10, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Rhubarb_Runner
and yet it walked all over my submission
December 10, 2012 at 11:57 am
nibbish
Ugh. I was at the Vikings game yesterday, and I was going to write my entry on my phone on the way back. I had actually gotten it all written and was in the process of trimming it down to 59 words when my phone’s battery died. I asked other passengers for their phones, but they were all dead as well.
Sorry to anyone whose playoffs were adversely affected by my swing-and-a-miss.
December 10, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Beau
Just glad to hear you’re okay. We’ll just assume your story sucked anyway.
December 10, 2012 at 12:09 pm
nibbish
It was going to be an Avengers-style teamup with Paul Bunyan and John Henry. It was going to be yet another concept that couldn’t be handled in 59 words.
So, yeah. It would’ve sucked.
December 10, 2012 at 12:07 pm
Beau
Wait a minute. The passengers were all dead?
December 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm
spookymilk
SOUNDS LIKE A SARAH JOHNSON STORY
December 10, 2012 at 1:12 pm
infantsquirrel
DAMN STRAIGHT!
December 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm
nibbish
Yes. All of them. The twist is that we were all dead the whole time.
December 10, 2012 at 2:33 pm
arustleund
Spoiler Alert!
December 10, 2012 at 2:42 pm
mbnovak
Season: X
Average Finish: 14.75 of 24 players
Best Finish: Shawn Ashley (sixth)
December 10, 2012 at 3:14 pm
spookymilk
But Shawn Ashley will return in…
HEY, DIDN’T WE JUST DO THIS
December 12, 2012 at 12:43 am
mbnovak
Shawn Ashley, she’s the chick
The chick with the writer’s touch.
An author’s touch.
Such a nice lady
Beckons you, to read her story again
Read it again.
Golden words she will write on the page
And her stories will last through the age
For a Kelly Wells, knows when he scores her,
It’s the score that’s best,
For sly Miss Shawn Ashley
Pretty girl, beware of the power of your words
Your words are gold!
Written gold
We love gold
Figurative gold
Only gold
Written gold!
December 13, 2012 at 2:20 pm
spookymilk
This is the closest I’ve come to “scoring with Shawn Ashley” for a very long time.
December 13, 2012 at 3:04 pm
mbnovak
I was pretty happy with that particular double entendre.
December 10, 2012 at 5:47 pm
Grey
So, I’d be into a sweet sixteen, as it gives me another round to play. I only non-sub when I just seriously can’t get it written, or flake on it. I never consciously choose to non-submit. And I’ve only flaked on it once. The rest of the time I just haven’t had 5 minutes to myself prior to 10 pm, when I need to focus on reminding my wife that she likes me. Or other circumstances. Blah blah blah.
December 10, 2012 at 9:15 pm
AMR
Sounds like me, only with fewer non-subs. I guess I had once where I could have ticked off my wife by interrupting the movie we were watching, only to half-ass slap-dash something cruddy in ten minutes.
December 11, 2012 at 8:28 am
freealonzo
AMR, I am glad you are not on the bubble for the playoffs. My submission is so awesome this week, the judges will probably give you two loses.
December 11, 2012 at 9:34 am
AMR
Bring it on, Freeboy! You’re gonna get two losses!
#ActuallyHaveNoIdeaYet
December 11, 2012 at 9:37 am
AMR
Given our standings, this is like a late season Royals-Indians tilt.
December 12, 2012 at 9:50 pm
AMR
I think you’re on. Mine is freaking gold (I hope). Let’s hope we’re both right and this is the judges’ close call of the season.
December 13, 2012 at 9:18 am
freealonzo
Mine has bodily fluids in it. Gonna be hard to beat.
December 13, 2012 at 11:27 am
AMR
Too bad Greekhouse isn’t a judge.