Cheers, Gortals! I was going to put this up two hours ago, but I kept going back and forth on which of two challenges to run first (the other of the two will be second, so was it worth expending the mental energy to figure this out? I doubt it).

This one is The Fall of Owatonna. The lot of you are bringing down every bank in town. Why Owatonna? Ask Ryan Sorrell (or don’t. It’s not that important).

You will each be scheduling a heist down to the minute within two hours. You’ll be competing against your fellow Gods or Mortals for money. You’ll have eight objectives to complete, and for the odd-numbered objectives, you want to be first (or at least one of the first three), while for the evens you want to be last. Let’s say for the odd ones you’re grabbing the money but on the others you’re waiting out the others getting held up by ornery customers? Just work with me on this, gang. Yes, “gang” has seeped into my actual online speech.

You also don’t want to be on the far opposite end of things. You also can’t go at the same time as anyone else.

Let me run through this: for the first one, you want to be first. Here are eight players and when they started:

12:00 Freshy Lipswiggles
12:00 Groin Slappity
12:00 Francis Undergarments
12:01 Groovy Loaf
12:02 Damian Henceforth
12:03 A Shrubbery
12:03 Hormonal Gopherbubbles
12:06 Fruity the Bishop-Slapping Orange

Freshy, Groin and Francis get nothing, because they tripled up. Groovy gets the first-place jackpot of $7. Owatonna isn’t all that rich, I guess. Damian scores the second-place loot, $3. Fruity lucked out and didn’t get penalized because although he was last, he was also third. We’ll say penalties are always overridden by the rewards, if this comes up. So, $1 for Fruity.

In the second one they want to do the opposite, and be last:

12:07 Fruity the Bishop-Slapping Orange
12:07 A Shrubbery
12:08 Freshy Lipswiggles
12:09 Hormonal Gopherbubbles
12:10 Groin Slappity
12:11 Groovy Loaf
12:11 Francis Undergarments
12:12 Damian Henceforth

Damian takes the $7, Groin scores $3 and Hormonal nabs $1. There’s actually a tie for the worst ones, Fruity and Shrubbery. They’ll both be hit with the max penalty of negative $4, even if they haven’t won that much yet (you can finish in the red). Then there are six more alternating objectives like this. Cool enough?

At the end, obviously, your money results in the points you get for this challenge. Refer to this spreadsheet to see how many points you got; if you have the most money, you get 20 points. If you tie with anyone, then you and he or she will split the difference in points. If you’re tied for sixth place in money, you’ll each get 5.5 points.

After this challenge, nobody will be eliminated. We’ll go to Panty Raid, and after that, the team with the fewest points will be kicked to the curb. Also, no list of teams in which place will be given after this one. I’ll tell you what place YOUR team is in, but that’s all. The list will be given after Panty Raid, unless we somehow decide it should still stay secret for one more.

You’ll be scheduling the heist from 12:00 to 2:00, including those exact minutes, if you want to use them. But Kelly, wouldn’t a two-hour heist easily be stopped by the police? Guys, just…let it go. Sometimes we deal in fiction.

I can foresee questions in this one. I also have no idea how you’ll all play it, so this might be a wild bunch of silliness. If it’s ridiculous, well hey, at least you’ll set up your alliances going forward, right? Again, I don’t know…I’ve never played this.

This is due Friday night at 9pm Central, unless I get a strong slate of requests to push that back. Weekends are typically slow here and Monday is Play with the Prose.

This is Sparta! (Is that too Greek?)