It’s time for the final vote of the season, folks. Uh, the final vote that doesn’t involve the jury. Except for the fact that the votee becomes a juror. You know what? You know what’s f*&^ing going on, so stop expecting me to hold your hands through this. Let’s get to it.

Vote One and Only:

“*deep breath*

Will Erik S. and Bret Highum please step forward? I see two beautiful men standing before me, but I have only one photo in my hand, and that photo represents the one of you that will still be in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top . . .

*Kelly whispers something indecipherable from offstage*

Wait, we haven’t been playing America’s Next Top Model for the past 4 months? Well, crap.

In that case . . . Bret, I love your writing and you’re an all-around good guy. You say what you mean, you mean what you say, and you also make me laugh a whole lot. I still can’t quite believe you didn’t pull off immunity with that amazing vodou doorframe.

Erik, I guess it’s time for us to show the jury our big brass . . . balls.

My vote is for Bret.”

Twenty-Sixth Elimination from Spookymilk Survivor XV: Bret “The Sneaky Bastard” Highum

Yeah, sorry about not using nicknames until now, but I really only had one (okay, two) for Jack and never gave much thought to the others. Bret becomes the last of the once-invincible Walri to fall, as Big Brass…Band, who haven’t eliminated someone July 9th (Sama, in a move that I thought would haunt them…ahem) make it an all-BBB final.

The jury is already working on questions. Well, okay, Margaret and Annette are working on questions while Roman, Jack and Brian take naps because men, as I’ve always said, are worthless and lazy. Bret, join them on the couch and quietly wait for the women to do all the work while getting paid less by a cruel and backwards American public.

Now that that bizarre tangent is behind us, for realsies, I’ll email the jury and see if they can get questions done by tonight.

Jurors, it would be fuckin’ aces if you had responses by tomorrow night, as well as your open-ended (1000-word max) plea to cover whatever they don’t with the questions, but you tell me if that’s too little. Erik, I’ll ignore you if this happens since you’re always late with everything regardless of when it’s due. Snap!

Alright, gang. Can you tell I’m in a good mood? It’s my first day off to myself in over two weeks (vacation is busier than work). Thanks for a season with such great participation, and I hope to see you back in the next writing season. Cheers, Survivors.