Folks, forgive me for turning The International House of Lactose into my own personal soapbox for just a moment. I’ve been hanging around here for a couple of years now, and I believe I’ve got a handle on the kind of person who comes here. You are people who get a lot of enjoyment out of competition, consideration, mental gymnastics, and dick-jokes. Well, I’m here to tell you that three of those four things can be found IN ABUNDANCE in “The Witness,” a new video game I just can’t shut up about.

Guys, you’ve glanced at the BiCuriosities I’ve created. The puzzles and brain teasers and quizlets that I enjoy making. So you know I’m down wit’ da puzz. And I’m telling you without hyperbole: “The Witness” is the best puzzle-based video game I’ve ever played. In fact, it may be the most satisfying, edifying, epiphanic puzzle of ANY kind I’ve ever encountered. If you’ve enjoyed any of my puzzles at any point, I have no doubt in my mind that “The Witness” will make you very, very happy.

I’m not gonna go into detail about what the game is, or what it’s like; you can see any number of online reviews and think-pieces that’ll explain that for me. More than that, though, this truly is a game experience you’re better off entering as unspoilered as possible. But I’m telling you, if you have a gaming PC or a PS4, and you enjoy that sweet exhilaration that occurs when an internal paradigm shift happens and you have that full-body EUREKA moment, you owe it to yourself to drop some cash on this game.

Seriously. No kidding. I can’t even explain how often you get a braingasm while playing. Also the game is gorgeous. Okay. I’ll stop now. Thanks for reading, and thanks to Kelly for letting me post this.