So, I spent basically my entire vacation playing games of this kind or that, and I came out the back of it with one certainty: Quidditch is a profoundly stupid game. J.K. Rowling has admitted that the game was an attempt to “frustrate men” because she was ending a bad relationship at the time. I mean, that’s great and all, but deciding to put something shitty in your book because one guy was a weenus might be a little strong. Anyway, hopefully I’ve come up with a halfway-decent way to work in the Golden Snitch without breaking the game for some team. And if I did, well…you’re all on the same footing, at least.

In Quidditch, you’re trying to outscore the other team. You have three Chasers (they chase a ball known as the “Quaffle” and try to score with it, and each time they succeed, it’s worth ten), two Beaters (they try to hit Chasers or the Seeker with balls called Bludgers, which forces them to touch their own goalposts before they can re-enter play), one Keeper (a goalie, in American terms) and a Seeker. The Seeker is chasing after a ball called the “Golden Snitch” which is magicked to be sentient, and attempts to escape from anyone who gets near it. If the Seeker catches in – and there’s the stupid part – it’s worth 150 points. The game automatically ends when the Snitch is caught, so in the vast majority of matches, the winner is the team that catches it, because they can come back from even a pretty wide gap. Why have chasers at all? Why attempt to score with the quaffle instead of herding your entire side toward the Snitch? Why have scores worth 150 and 10 when they’re both divisible by ten and could be fifteen and one? Why did I spend so much time researching Quidditch teams to make sure that all of you who played Quidditch in the books are in the correct positions? I DON’T KNOW, gang, and although the Quidditch World Cup has been played since 1473, the players have yet to realize that they’d be better off ignoring everything but the Snitch.

Anyway, since the athletes are dumb in the Harry Potter series, I need them to be dumb here too; you will have your seven players doing what they do in the books.

These are your positions.

For this one, just one of you need to send me the submission. At this point, you know who your inactives are, so I’m not going to slow this to a crawl by waiting for 23 submissions that get me to the same end result.

You will have one hundred energy points to distribute between all seven players on your quidditch roster.

For the number of energy points spent among all your chasers, you will get a goal for every five points spent. So, if you spend all one hundred points on chasers, you will get two hundred points from twenty quaffle goals.

If you outspend your opponent on beater points, then you will knock down the chaser of your choice (OR the Seeker) and their energy spent to score goals or chase the snitch will be wasted. So if Slytherin spent 40 points with Blaise and none with Pansy or Daphne, and Blaise is knocked down by a bludger, they will get no quaffle points in that round.

For every five points spent by a Keeper, one opposing quaffle goal is blocked.

Once a Seeker has outspent the opposing Seeker by 65 or more throughout the course of the game, it catches the Golden Snitch and the team grabs 150 points and ends the game.

Order of operations:
1. Higher-scoring beaters knock down an opponent. In the case of a tie, BOTH sides knock down their stated target.
2. Chasers score goals, which are affected by Keeper saves.
3. Seekers gain points toward catching the Golden Snitch. If your team goes down by 160 or more but catches the snitch on the same turn, the snitch is considered to have happened last, and the snitch-catching side will lose.

In the case of a tie, the snitch-catching side will win. We will do five days of this unless the games end early (which I think is probable, but I’m not sure). If there’s a tie after five days and nobody has caught the snitch, then it will be deemed a draw and both sides will vote someone out.

Did I mention (I didn’t): it’s Ravenclaw vs. Hufflepuff and Gryffindor vs. Slytherin.

Oooooookay. I think this makes as much sense as I can possibly muster. Glad to be back, gang, although I hated to leave the cabin (I had no wifi there and didn’t have much data to spare, which is why I put this on hold). Cheers, Students.

OH. And the first move is due by tonight at 9pm Central.