Neville hereby submits the longest vote comment in the history of Spookymilk Survivor:
“When I found out I won the challenge, I was elated yet torn. I’ve worked hard with both players and really bonded with them. How am I to pick? Being the level-headed type, I knew I had to come at this decision with the utmost fair and unbiased mindset I could have.
Or I could become drunk with power and make them do haikus. I did the latter.
I requested that both players submit a haiku that would explain why they should make it to the final 2. I wanted it to move me, inspire me, and bring me to tears. I wanted them to be the most beautiful syllable patterns I’ve ever read.
Then I realized they’re probably both asleep. Shit. Fast forward five seconds to now. I sit here, impatient, wondering what could have been. I close my eyes and the scene plays out in front of me:
All of the students sit in the banquet hall, eagerly waiting for the haikus to start. We’ve been so excited since I, Neville Longbottom, came up with this idea twenty minutes ago. I’m sitting directly in front of the stage with my quill and paper, ready to take notes. Anthony and Cho stand on stage and look out to the crowd. The rest of the students shuffle in their chairs, ready for the show to start. Everyone is in attendance: Hannah, Goyle, Daphne, Lavender, Luna, Padma, Harry Potter 1, Harry Potter 2, Blaise, etc. Even Hagrid made it! I find myself pleased with the turnout.
Cho steps forward and reads her Haiku.
This is so much fun.
I’ve really liked playing this.
Please God, let me live.
Cho steps back in line with Anthony. The crowd applauds, but is a little confused about the delivery of the third line. Now it’s Anthony’s turn. Anthony steps forward and takes off his robe to reveal-
HE’S BEEN A FUCKING FISH THE ENTIRE TIME. The crowd gasps.
Writer’s note: At this point, I realized I cannot for the life of me picture Anthony Goldstein talking, so I mentally panicked and turned him into a fish.
I look at Anthony’s new form with curiosity. He looks like a salmon, judging from the excellent robe he’s wearing. He speaks.
I don’t need this shit to win.
Get fucked, salmon out.
The crowd is stunned into silence. Anthony grabs the microphone with his fish mouth and drops it. The reverb echoes through the hall just before being drown out by the uproar and applause. The students rush the stage and hoist Anthony’s new piscine form. I look down at my notes and realize how foolish it was to even think I needed them. Anthony clearly won this challenge. I watch as the students carry Anthony out of the banquet hall. The quiet sound of a sad girl is heard from the stage. I turn back and see Cho standing there, looking down at her haiku and fighting back the tears. Cho, sweet Cho, looks broken over her lose in the haiku battle.
Then it hits me. I start to see all the great times Cho and I shared throughout this amazing adventure. Like a montage from the 80’s, our memories are played to the sound of Air Supply’s “I’m All Out of Love”. (Editor’s note: You can also substitute Seether’s cover of Careless Whisper here if you’d like. It’s a guilty pleasure.) The montage is overwhelming.
“Stop! Just stop it! I can’t do this!” I exclaim. Cho looks up at me, surprised. She wipes away her tear and smiles at me.
I’ve reached my decision.
I choose to send Anthony Goldstein home. I will be joined in the final 2 by Cho Chang.
Honestly, this was a tough decision and I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’d like to go further into detail about it, but I feel I should leave that for the jurors to ask about. I’m sorry Anthony. You’ve been a fantastic partner, but I feel I need to repay Cho for her extreme loyalty. It is my hope that you don’t hate me and that we can play this scenario out differently next time.”
Twenty-Sixth Elimination from Spookymilk Survivor XX: Anthony “Heavily Featured Extra” Goldstein
I was going to call him Anthony “Voldemort” Goldstein and suggest he was in cover so deep that even he didn’t know about it, but went the other way. Well, by any name or alignment, Anthony damn near pulled this thing off despite being in an unenviable merge position.
And now we turn to you, young jurors. Neville Longbottom and Cho Chang await your questions and judgment.
Have questions to me by tonight at 9pm Central, if possible. Cheers.