You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Best of Survivor’ category.

Over in the comments for the winner announcement, I was reminded of the All-Star game. Frankly, if I’m going to run such a thing, I’d prefer a lot of warning so I could try to gather the players with enough time so I can break them down if they say no.

Although I’ve posted a lot of different ways to do this, I think I’d prefer this way: every winner is invited, and from there, I put up a post with a bunch of the best players, and why they should probably be in the game. From there, y’all vote (anonymously, in my inbox) for who should be All-Stars, and I fill out the field with those, leaving enough room for the winner of XI plus a couple “mod decisions” that I might want to add if you guys do something stupid like leave out DK or Geoff.

I keep putting off the All-Star game, but if I do it, it’ll be XII, and it’ll be a mixed writing/strategy/conceptual game that may even include a Turbo challenge or two. If I can’t get the right people involved, I’ll just scrap the idea altogether.

It would probably be short; I’d keep it to 16 players. I don’t want this thing to be so big that “Spookymilk Survivor All-Star” loses its meaning, you know?

It would probably start shortly after XI, which itself should run until November or December.

Talk if you have a reason. Is this setup satisfying? After this, I’d make sure XIII was a writing game so it won’t truly be skipped in the rotation.

Alright, Survivors, I made one more spreadsheet for you, outlining who’s won how many Immunities. I swear I’m done for a while, because this one was a big project.

Here you go.

Also, I filled Survivor XI. If you want in, you’ll have to beg, but I’m done recruiting. I came up with a bunch more games today. We’re gonna have fun, dudes and dudettes.

So, Survivor XIII is a long way away – like, a year and a half, most likely – but I’ve tentatively taken Tanya’s suggestion to make it an All-Star game with one representative from each team, ever.

I’m doing the work to gather people here:

You can comment there, if you feel like it.

Yesterday when I mentioned to Tanya Laumann that I’ve been kicking around an all-star game for some time, she came up with a pretty hot idea: a game where each team in Survivor History has a representative. It would be a bitch to break it down in a way that doesn’t leave out any of the best players, but what do you think?

If I did it, it would possibly be Survivor XIII, so we’re talking far in the future here.

Despite absolutely no demand whatsoever, I made a Sporcle Quiz containing all 112 players that have ever played the game.

Here it is.

I realize most of you won’t get a lot, but I made this for myself as much as anything. Have fun, y’all!

I never thought I’d share this openly, but I also never thought I’d be playing, and if I have this info then everyone should. Plus, it’s awesome.

Enjoy the history of the game.

Here ya go!

It’s high time I shared these publicly.

Spookymilk Survivor History (Details every player, by game)

Survivor: Average Finish (A list of best to worst players according to average finish)

Team Names: Worst to Best (Not a spreadsheet. Also, not scientific.)

There are spreadsheets from last season and this season to show voting history, too, but I’m not sure that should be for public consumption (certainly not this season’s, at any rate).

In a few hours I’ll be finally be adding the Archives for Survivor II, and maybe Survivor I (at the moment, III and IV are out of my reach; left them on an external hard drive in Phoenix).

I’ll have to make the site go dark while that happens – if I don’t, subscribers’ inboxes will be flooded with news of every new post – so if you need the list for the current challenge, you should copy and paste it now.

I’ve added seasons V and VI to the Archives. It took a ludicrous amount of time, and I’m still planning on doing the first four seasons at some point. I’m an idiot.

I’ve done a challenge called Fiction 59 since the inception of this game.  Here, I chronicle my favorites (I’ll go with all the stories that I gave a rating of either four or five).  I had to sift through some ancient blogs on other sites to find these, so read them, if you would.  Deal?


A mother rocked a dreaming baby although the boy was not her own.  The leaves rustled an unnatural song while the screen door clapped in the wind.  The sadness of the day consumed her.  Her mind all sorrow; her body frail.  She drifted off to sleep.  How could she tell this little boy his mommy is never coming home? (Catherine W)

“Fuck Bob Barker”

Yesterday as I sauntered downPark AvenueI came across the sweetest pussy I’ve seen in a long time.  Damn, was she fine.  Tight frame, amazing green eyes, and the way her backside rolled as she walked–fuckin’ hypnotic, man.

That kitten was radiating more heat than the goddamned sun.  At times like that I really miss my balls. (Rachel F)

“Anything But That”

I used to believe sitting in the bathtub long enough would turn me into a mermaid.  I spent hours in the tub, staring into the faucet, praying I was right.  I thought my mom would find me and free me into the ocean.  Instead, she found me and taught me to shave my legs.  I would’ve preferred the ocean.  (Kelly Jo)

“Colleen S is Dead”

“You don’t have to do this.” whimpered Colleen.  The only response was a small chuckle as the hands around her neck became tighter–tighter–tighter.

Colleen S was dead.

“Kelly Space Survivor–rather be a real-life survivor.” smirked a cold-blooded Danielle S as she slumped Colleen’s lifeless carcass next to her computer.  “The rest is silence, bitch.” (Ben T)

Flush.” Stand slow. The air was as tense as a Donner family reunion. Drunk. Get movin and get out. Sound advice. Headed for the front and found every object in the bar placed to impede my extrication. Paused at the door. Someone was supposed to die. Think, hunter. The guy with all the hearts! Turned around and slurred, “Pussy.” (Josh Mitchell)


“Doritos and Breath Mints: A Love Story.”

I scooted slightly closer as he finished a small bag of Doritos and ran his tongue over his lips to clean off the cheesy residue. He put a breath mint into his mouth. “Here we go,” I thought. As his fat, wet tongue wriggled around in my mouth, I realized my first kiss was nothing like I had hoped. (Kelly Jo)

It had taken over three days, and if she had been any older she would have realized how amazing it was that a rainbow could retain itself, especially one this beautiful, for even three hours, but she was barely six and still thought rainbows were magic.  But when she found no gold, the magic faded for her as well. (Oliver T)


When I was a kid everyone knew who the bad guys were because they dressed in black. Times have changed. According to the government, it's the color of their skin. Others have different indicators. Am I a bad guy because I'm eating in between meals? Or is it more relevant how much of him I leave in my freezer? (Josh M)

“Chaos Theory”

Armand rested under a lush canopy of leaves. A breeze tickled the hairs on his legs and he was struck by a grand, ridiculous idea. Drunk with power and possibility, careless about the ramifications of his actions, he took off. Three years later the levies of New Orleans crumbled under the force of the hurricane his wings had created.  (Rachel F)

While digging, Frank thought about waitng. Daily, he waited for the bus to take him to his insignificant job. Nightly, he waited for his phone to ring. It never did. He waited for life to get better. When he reached ten feet into the ground, Frank placed a hose in the hole, turned it on, climbed down, and waited. (Patrick K)

The ageless gravel road lay complacently by the derelict farm house in the smothering heat of the August morning. A rust bucket Buick rolled into the yard to the deafening hum of cicadas. Brett grabbed the shovel and went quickly to the shaded earthen mound he vividly feared. He would finally find out how many siblings he really had. (Cory F)


And so, as flowers to spring, their souls blossomed into their longing. Their limbs entwined, that were once rigid in timidity, their loins, once frigid, now burned like shame. Thereafter, in the quiet, the two lay as those condemned: peaceful. Who would know then? Who would see the love burn twixt the eyes of the cowboy, and the ewe? (Colin W)

Alison knew what he wanted. She had been here before and knew the routine. She tried to do what he asked, but her heart was not in it and it showed in her watery eyes. “Come on, sweetheart. Just relax…” With a flash his camera captured the heartbreak of a third grader who had been dumped on picture day. (Rachel F)

“Get away from that filthy animal.” Sebastian’s mother yelled to him from across the lawn. He pulled the bloody knife from his prey. This thing was not his first victim, nor would it be his last. “Don’t you ever touch my fucking acorns.” He whispered to the lifeless human boy at his feet, before scampering back to his tree. (Todd K)

The bond was instant. The feeling was primal. She would love this baby more than she would love herself. She would fight to the death, protecting her. As she drove her home for the first time, she was finally content. She always wanted a baby girl. All she needed to do now was get rid of the couple’s bodies. (Patrick K)

I drove down the highway with two things on my mind. One, where does a person get a strong cup of coffee? Two, why is there a dead elephant strapped to the bed of my truck? Not knowing the answers, I lit up a Marlboro and took a drag knowing we would have to keep driving despite the circumstances. (Chris B)

It wasn’t unusual. Jack Horner, after all, was used to sticking his thumb into pies. So what if it wasn’t a pie this time? So what if it wasn’t his thumb? The town drunkard shook with joy when it happened! So why was Jack Horner standing at the foot of the gallows? He had never even heard of sodomy. (Sarah B)

Under my blanket

Quick, get down. There’s someone outside the blanket. We’ll be safe in here. No one can get us through the blanket, unless they have a knife. A knife can cut the blanket. Maybe the blanket isn’t a good idea after all. Maybe opening the door wasn’t a good idea. Why would Santa want to hurt anyone? (Patrick M)


I just tripped and the branch went right through my leg. The nearest ranger station was miles away. I had to pull it out with my teeth. “Fuck…” I tried to see the wound but there was too much blood. The world went gray. Pulling it out was a bad idea. Pulling it out was going to kill me. (Joe R)

On a Mexican bus ride, a lady makes her way onto the bus with a live chicken. The driver shouted “Señora loca, usted no puede venir en el autobús con un pollo!” She got off, slammed the chicken against the side of the bus and then held the dead fowl up. The driver nodded and without flinching said, “Proceda!” (Roman F)

The island appeared. He despaired. This identical spit of sand invariably materialized, regardless of bearing. On the beach, the rock lay where it always did. Every time he landed, there was one less mark on the stone, counting down his visits. Now there were no scratches. When he left this time, one way or another he would never return. (Brooks M)

Chocolate and talc. Percy could smell the sinister, flying infant overhead; the babe who shot into his toy box; the reckless cherub who seduced him into asking his Legos to prom. Percy’s golf club connected with Cupid’s cheek. Baby fat rolled down the wall like raw chicken. “Revenge,” Percy thought as he turned back to his porn, “is sweet.” (Rusty G)

Arthur was a rock.

Metaphorically? No, Arthur was a pussy. The other rocks said so. He strove to rise above the label. But it was no use.

Tuesday, a man took Arthur. Soon, he adorned a lady’s finger. For the next fifty years, Arthur would hone his sense of irony, helping one man gain what he hoped to lose. (Beau)

This was it. The docs were removing their bloody gloves while the nurse moved away the machinery, wrapping the electrical cord around the pole. Slipping out of consciousness I suddenly recalled the cruel words Sheila would mercilessly taunt me with whenever I felt lousy: “Don’t worry I’ll still dress sexy at your funeral.” And you know what? She did. (Dean C)


For whatever reason, I can’t find the Survivor IV archives.  Well, I sorta know why, but it’s a long boring story.  Anyway, these stories are how you rack up points, players.  Cheers.

Your competition, and also you



I: Rachel “The Double-Dealer” Flynn

II: Ryan “The Snake” Fossum

III: Patrick “The Gentleman” Kozicky

IV: Brienne “The Submitter” Maner

V: Rusty “The Porn Star” Greene

VI: Brooks “The Unlikely Hero” Maki

VII: William “The Soulful” Schuth

VIII: Brooks “The Survivor” Maki

IX: Zack “The Ice Cream Man” Sauvageau

X: Pete “The Vacuum Cleaner” Bruzek

Turbo: Brooks “The 1956-1979 Montreal Canadiens” Maki

XI: Matt “The Cold-Hearted Motherf*&^er” Novak

All-Stars (XII): Andy “The Quiet Man” Rustleund

XIII: Sarah “Clarence’s Hope” Bizek

XIV: Dan “The Professional” Kautz

XV: Christina “Assault And” Pepper

XVI: Matt “The First-Time Player” Novak

XVII: Stacy “Saintly Patience” Snell

XVIII: Brian “Checkmate” David

XIX: Annette “Eammon for the Top” Barron

XX: Daniel “Neville “Smash “Hardware” Hardwood” Longbottom” Caouette

XXI: Pete “The Comeback Kid” Bruzek

XXII: Dan “The Even More Professional” Kautz

XXIII: Melissa “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” David

XXIV: Stacy “Fucking” Snell

I: Dragging Rivet’s Name Through the Mud One Last Time: Matt Novak (Ultragrandpa) and Michael Rivet (Friph Flipher-Fiph)
II: Bahambo Number 5: Pete “Triple Crown” Bruzek and Michelle “Single Tiara…So Far” Pratt

I: Brooks “Oh, for the Love of God” Maki
II: Michael “#DDB” Rivet
III: Pete “Fortune’s Fool” Bruzek
IV: Erin “All Seven and We’ll Watch Them Fall” Leslie
V: Jake “Littlefinger” Elliott

2014: Brooks “The Creator” Maki
2015: Matt “The Artist” Novak
2016: Matt “Waited Them Out” Novak
2017: Annette “I Would’ve Voted for You” Barron

2013: #21 Greg “The Gallant Glutton of Greatness” Johnson
2014: #29 Jonathon “Big Papa” Pope
2015: #8 Christina “Am I in This?” Pepper
2016: #22 Annette “No Backs Stabbed” Barron
2017: #30 Bernice “The Vulture” Nicaise
2018: #17 Carrie “Solid Gold” Bard
2019: #16 Jake “The Jabroni” Elliott

(Writing, non-elimination)
I: Sarah “Centipede Face” Johnson
II: Sarah “The Johnson Eliminator” Wreisner
III: Colin “Lonely Old Moon” Woolston
IV: Melissa “Not Sidebar Material” Diamond
V: Sama “No Family Reunions” Smith
VI: Sarah “Tumor Face” Wreisner
VII: John “Cult Following” Wreisner
VIII: Joshua “Peed the Bed” Longman
VIII: Annette “Oh, Right, That’s Who Won” Barron

WEREWOLF (most recent)

Werewolf Stats Spreadsheet

I (Pure): Matthew “The Obsessor” Gilman
I (Power): Kelly “The Novak-Destroyer” Wells

I: Matt “Exploiter of Worlds” Novak (France)

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 324 other subscribers