You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Spookymilk Survivor II’ category.

Despite absolutely no demand whatsoever, I made a Sporcle Quiz containing all 112 players that have ever played the game.

Here it is.

I realize most of you won’t get a lot, but I made this for myself as much as anything. Have fun, y’all!

I never thought I’d share this openly, but I also never thought I’d be playing, and if I have this info then everyone should. Plus, it’s awesome.

Enjoy the history of the game.

Here ya go!

It’s high time I shared these publicly.

Spookymilk Survivor History (Details every player, by game)

Survivor: Average Finish (A list of best to worst players according to average finish)

Team Names: Worst to Best (Not a spreadsheet. Also, not scientific.)

There are spreadsheets from last season and this season to show voting history, too, but I’m not sure that should be for public consumption (certainly not this season’s, at any rate).

Survivor II archives are up and await your enjoyment.

Survivor I might go up as early as today, but between the cutting, pasting, titling, time-stamping and linking, any given season is a huge pain in the ass.

Alright, Survivors, here we go. A lot of this crap could be debated, but by the time you get to the end you probably won’t want to bother.

You’ll notice some weird formatting styles here; people did these in a lot of different ways. I’d make it uniform if there were fewer of you, but with fourteen? Eff that noise.

A: Rachel Dwyer, Ugly Juanita (69)
Almost an Angel
Alan and the Alligators
Abbreviations dictionary: abbreviations, acronyms, anonyms, contractions, initials and nicknames, short forms and slang shortcuts, signs and symbols, including astronomical constellations, stars, and symbols; automatic data-processing abbreviations for zip-coded mail; chemical element symbols, atomic numbers, discovery data; civil and military time systems compared; diacritical and punctuation marks; Greek alphabet; international civil aircraft markings; international radio alphabet and code; numbered abbreviations; proofreader’s marks; Roman numerals; ship’s bell time signals; signs and symbols frequently used; weather symbols: Beaufort scale; zodiacal signs. (by Ralph De Sola) (K: I cannot believe this is the actual title, but it is. Well done)
Assing “Aki” Aleong
Arthur “Art” Algernon Allison (1849-1916)
American Amber Ale
Avocado and Artichoke Dip
Axis and Allies
Alia Atreides
After Abbot Adam’s aides added amber agate along their abbey alter, Angel Aaron alone armed angry Aztec women while actor Aiden Alan’s agent aired anger about their early alarm again.

A: Will Young, Spy Tag (32)

Alien Abduction
Against All Authority
Aster Aardvark’s Alligator Adventure
Amy Adams
Arron Agustin Afflalo
Abita Abbey Ale
Apple and apricot salad
Apples to Apples
Aaron A. Aaronson (from both The Simpsons and Hot Fuzz)
Amigo Aaron Avila asked about amino acids.

Point for A: Ugly Juanita

B: Bret Highum, Ugly Juanita (39)

1. Movie title
Bad Boy Bubby
2. Band/solo artist name
Bobby “Blue” Bland
3. Book title
The Bad child’s Book of Beasts
4. Film actor (must be credited on IMDb)
B.B. Bowen
5. Sports figure
Boris Becker
6. Beverage (if I can’t easily Google it, it’s no good)
Beaman’s Bitter Beer
7. Food (ditto)
Bbq brown sugar baked beans
8. Party game (again)
Brewhouse Bash
9. Fictional character
Buckaroo Banzai
10. A sentence (it has to make sense) where every word is five letters long
Boozy blond baker bloke bakes batch bland brown bread; being beefy, burns bared belly.

B: Zack Sauvageau, Spy Tag (30)

1. Movie title Buttman’s Big Butt Backdoor Babes.
2. Band/solo artist name Bobby “Blue” Bland.
3. Book title Bootsie Barker Bites by Barbara Bottner.
4. Film actor (must be credited on IMDb) Bob Barker.
5. Sports figure Bernard Berrian.
6. Beverage (if I can’t easily Google it, it’s no good) Big Beaver Brown Ale.
7. Food (ditto) Bubba’s Big Bite Burgers.
8. Party game (again) Bishi Bashi Special.
9. Fictional character Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo.
10. A sentence (it has to make sense) where every word is five letters long Bobbi Brown broke Billy Bill’s bongs becuz Bobby Brown bangs bucks’ butts. (K: I have to flag this one for “becuz.” I’m sorry. I know I’m kind of a wang)

Point for B: Ugly Juanita

C: Sarah Bizek, Ugly Juanita (44)

1. Movie title: Charlie Chan in the Chinese Cat (1944)

2. Band/solo artist name: C.C. Catch

3. Book title: Cable Car to Catastrophe (1982)

4. Film actor: Chiao Chiao (perhaps extra points for Cheh Chang, director/writer of The One-Armed Swordsman, Chiao Chiao’s best-known film?) (K: nice attempt, but I probably shouldn’t…)

5. Sports figure: Canadian Carlton Chambers (Gold – 4×100 meters relay, 1996 Olympics)

6. Beverage: Colombian Cucuta Coffee

7. Food: Christmas Cranberry Chutney

8. Party game: Creative Child Chocolate

9. Fictional character: Celeste Cuckoo

10. A sentence (it has to make sense) where every word is five letters long: Cocky Clyde cases Chris’ cream color crack condo; calls city’s clink ’cause Chris’ crazy crime cover comes clear.

C: Andy Rustleund, Spy Tag (53)

1. Chori Chori Chupke Chupke
2. Jon Cougar Concentration Camp (K: This is real?! Apparently)
3. Per favore dite a mia madre che faccio il pubblicitario lei pensa che sono un pierre e che quindi regalo manciate di free entry e consumazioni gratis a chi mi pare, rido coi vips, i calciatori le veline e le giornaliste, leggo Novella e mi fotografano i paparazzi, entro neI privé saltando la coda, bevo senza pagare, sono ghiotto di tartine e gin tonic, ho la casa piena di oggetti di design, conosco Paris Hilton, Tom Ford ed Emilio.
4. Courtney Cox
5. Che Chew Chan (Taekwondo, Olympics)
6. Cherry Coca-Cola
7. cream corn cream cheese casserole
8. Crack the Case
9. Captain Caveman
10. “‘Crazy clear cyber cysts clone chewy curry cumin cubes!’ cried curly curvy cocks circa CMXXI”, cited crass cagey celts.

Point for C: Spy Tag

D: Josh Mitchell, Spy Tag (18)

1. Movie title: Dead Before Dawn
2. Band/solo artist name: Deep Purple
3. Book title: Dairyman’s Daughter
4. Film actor (must be credited on IMDb): Darcy Donavan
5. Sports figure: Dick Butkus
6. Beverage (if I can’t easily Google it, it’s no good): Dirty Dick’s Downfall
7. Food (ditto): Double Dipped Chicken Fingers
8. Party game (again): Duck Duck Grey Duck
9. Fictional character: Daffy Duck
10. A sentence (it has to make sense) where every word is five letters long: Doodle dangerous digging dingos, devoting dexterous digits. (K: I meant exactly five letters. I said so in the comments section! Anyway, his opponent did the same thing, so whatever)

D: Ben Thietje, Ugly Juanita (26)

MOVIE: Due Date
BAND/SINGER: Deadeye Dick
BOOK TITLE: Dead Dwarves Don’t Dance (
FILM ACTOR: Diana Dale Dickey (
SPORTS FIGURE: Daniel “Dan” Dierdorf
BEVERAGE: Dirty Dick’s Downfall
FOOD: Domino’s Deep Dish Deluxe
PARTY GAME: Drunken Dice
FICTIONAL CHARACTER: Deputy Dwight “Dewey” (Scream)
SENTENCE: Deep dimpled dapper democrats deposit dangerously damaged department documents daily. (K: This one also has a word of fewer than five letters. Oh well.)

Point for D: Ugly Juanita

E: Dana Hazen, Spy Tag (29)

1. Movie title Extras, Extras, Everywhere
2. Band/solo artist name Eagle Eye Cherry
3. Book title Eating for Energy
4. Film actor (must be credited on IMDb) Siddig El Tahir El Fadil El Siddig Abderahman Mohammed Ahmed Abdel Karim El Mahdi
5. Sports figure Earl Edward Edmonson
6. Beverage (if I can’t easily Google it, it’s no good) Easter Egg Cocktail
7. Food (ditto) Elephant Ears (K: I’ve never heard of these, and I was delighted to find out that they aren’t actual elephant ears)
8. Party game (again) Euchre
9. Fictional character Ebe E. Endocott
10. A sentence (it has to make sense) where every word is five letters long Eager Early Earth Exits, Edits Excel Email.

E: Rachel Dwyer, Ugly Juanita (46)
Encuentro en el abismo
Eagle Eye Cherry
Earthtalk : expert answers to everyday questions about the environment : selections from E – the environmental magazine’s nationally syndicated column. (K: Again, this is the real title. Where the f&^k are you getting these, Rachel?)
Emilio Estevez
Earl Edward “Eddie” Edmonson (1889-1971)
Est! Est!! Est!!! white wine
Extra loaded Extra Crisp English Muffins
Easter Egg Hunt
Ekaterina Elanora “Ela” Ribeirna von Hesse
Every eight hours Elder Earl’s ebony elves enjoy early elfin epics about Egypt while Evan’s eager egret emits extra eerie evils.

Point for E: Ugly Juanita

F: Peter Bruzek, Ugly Juanita (41)
Movie Familiar Foods From Foreign Folk
Musician Five For Fighting
Book Freedom From Fear Forever
Actor Frederic Fenimore Forrest
Sports Player Frank Francis Frich (The Fordham Flash)
Beverage Funeral For a Friend
Food Fresh Fried Fish Fillet
Party Game Fusion Frenzy
Fictional Character Fin Fang Foom
Sentence Funky’ Frank Fonda first fears flash fried fresh foods.

F: Zillah Glory, Spy Tag


Point for F: Ugly Juanita

G: JG Berwald, Spy Tag (30)

1. Grendizer, Getter Robo G, Great Mazinger: Decisive Battle! Great Sea Beast (swear to goodness that movie exists) (K: Yep, it sure does)
2. George Gershwin
3. Great Gatsby, The
4. Gilbert Gottfried
5. Gary Gaetti
6. Ginseng Green tea
7. German Goulash
8. Guesstures
9. Gustav “Gust” Avrakotos
10. Gabby gaged gabby, gassy, gaudy, geeky, germy, gimpy, grown gents.

G: Colin Woolston, Ugly Juanita (30)

Girls! Girls! Girls!
Goo Goo Dolls
Gardening Grief & Glory
Greta Garbo
Gennaro Gatusso
Gin n Ginger
Green Grapes
genealogy game (I begrudgingly allow this, although it’s not a proper name. If this week’s challenge was closer, I might think about it more)
General Grievous
Great gimpy, goofy, green goons grate given guano goods gaily.

Point for G: It’s a Draw

H: Peter Bruzek, Ugly Juanita (34)
Movie A Hen House Hero
Musician Hot Hot Heat
Book Holly the Happy Hairbrush
Actor Harold ‘Happy’ Hairston
Sports Player Hunter Hearst Helmsley
Beverage Humble Hippie Holiday
Food Ham Hock Hash
Party Game Hungry Hungry Hippos (drinking game)
Fictional Character Hannah Hariet Hayes
Sentence Herb’s happy hyena howls; Horny Henry hears.

H: Geoff Beckstrom, Spy Tag (30)

Hips Hips Hooray –
Hot Hot Heat –
How He Lied to Her Husband –
Haven Hartman –
Hubert Horatio Humphrey (A political figure, not an athlete)
Half Honolulu Hammer Half Happy Hawaiian (I can’t allow this one, sorry. I mean, I see what’s being done, but I can’t Google a single result that suggests this mix is a drink anyone would order)
Hamburger Helper Homestyle Salisbury
Hot and Happy Housewife (I couldn’t find a single Google result for this)
Hagar the Horrible
Hello, honey; Hakim hates Haji’s hokey hyper human horny honed hated house heist habit haiku.

Point for H: Ugly Juanita


Ugly Juanita shoots, she scores: Rachel, Bret, Ben, Rachel again, Pete, Pete again

Spy Tag shoots, they score: Andy

Didn’t shoot at all for some reason: Zillah

With this decisive 6-1-1 victory, Ugly Juanita proves they shan’t be shut out in this thing. Spy Tag, you have until Saturday at Noon Central to send me a vote to eliminate one of your teammates. Zillah will automatically vote against herself. First tiebreaker is performance in the current challenge, second is performance overall.

Well, we’ve got a game here now. Who’s leaving? I’m always interested in the vote, but moreso this week than usual.

Cheers, Survivors.

Just short of a milestone.
That’s right–as I post this, the final Survivor blog on my page before it goes to its new location at its very own space (officially making it an obsession)–it’s my 199th blog entry. If you have anything in mind for #200, let me know. And bring beer, because I can’t celebrate anything without being piss drunk.
First of all, just to pad this entry (and to keep all this crap in one place, should I ever want to look back at it), here’s the rundown of what happened in the game. If you’re pooping your pants with excitement about what happened with the Final Vote, skip to the end. I won’t be upset. Really, I won’t care.
The game started with three teams–The Empirical Joneses (Sarah Bergervoet, Ali Erdahl, David Erdahl, Kyle Mitchell and Kelly Jo Ernst), the Grandparents of Ernest Borgnine (Leif Bierly, Angie Bierly, Jon Mullaly, Oliver Thrun, and Perry Thrun), and Marvin (John Youker, Josh Mitchell, Ryan Fossum, Tara Kinney and 2006 Ultimate Survivor Rachel Flynn). I may as well note here that my early picks for winner were Sarah Bergervoet and Angie Bierly. That makes me pretty damn stupid, of course.
The first challenge was a quiz about all the Survivors. Amazingly, a handful of questions were missed by the very Survivor they were about. The Joneses expressed to me that only two of them (Kyle and Kelly Jo) were actually seeming to play; later at least one of my siblings got into it, but I can’t remember which. The Grandparents of Ernest Borgnine won that one, and the Joneses finished third, needing to eliminate someone. No fewer than three of the players failed to vote, thereby voting for themselves (one of them was Kyle; remember that), and the other two votes were one each for Ali and Sarah. Tiebreaker went to a random member of the winning team, Grandparents, who chose to eliminate Sarah Bergervoet. Sarah was apparently on a vacation during that week and couldn’t get to a computer; it cost her as she was eliminated first.
The next challenge, one of my favorites every year, was Fiction 59. I got many good 59-word stories, with my favorite coming from John Youker of Marvin:
There was a rabbit named, well Rabbit. He lived in ..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 />New Jersey near the turnpike. One day a green glowing rock fell near his house. Rabbit felt weird, then fell to the ground dead, only to rise again as a zombie. His neighbor Toad saw this and quickly blasted Rabbit’s head off with a 12 gauge, ending the threat.
Marvin won this challenge, and the Grandparents finished third. Controversy ensued, and Angie Bierly, the other of my two early picks to win, left the game.
The bad fortune for the Grandparents ensued in the next challenge, where each team answered some arbitrary questions, and the funniest were voted on by Blogtard, an online friend of mine obsessed with privacy (I’m half-convinced he’s a famous person). The Joneses scored highest here, while GOEB finished last again. Jon Mullaly and Oliver Thrun each received two of the four votes, so the tiebreaker went to a random member of The Joneses. Oddly, I can’t remember who that person was, but they eliminated Oliver, who got third-to-last place both times. Shame, because he was actually trying this year and I thought he’d go deep. I may as well mention now that I thought Perry would be the first member of GOEB to go, which proves I’m an idiot.
The next challenge was to name a challenge later in the game; I got a ton of good ones, but the highest honor went to The Joneses’ Kyle Mitchell, who suggested creating a MySpace for a random object/animal/whatever. Simple, but elegant. My sister failed to send an idea in, but as it would happen, so did John Youker, and Marvin lost by .05 points (average score). He went from powerhouse to goat in two weeks, and his team eliminated him. I may as well mention now that I thought for sure that Ryan and Tara would be the first gone from their team; I maintain that John’s forgetfulness here was the difference between that outcome and one of them winning.
At this point, my sister pulled out of the game, citing inability to keep up. I figured she and David would both be gone before the merge, but David made it, and she was close. The merge, all too soon because I was loving the team stuff, then happened. Marvin brought four members to that point of the game, while each of the other teams had three.
The next challenge was The Endurance Ladder, which was a needlessly long quiz of mostly black-and-white but a few abstract questions. I could drag this one out, but Rachel Flynn won it, and I acknowledged that she won Immunity for anyone on her team who actually completed the Ladder (Ryan and Tara, but not Josh, who won the Ladder last year but didn’t do it this year). The voting queue was kind of a mess, but a small alliance went after, and eliminated, Jon Mullaly.
The next challenge, probably my favorite, was to pitch a TV show. The best drama and the best comedy would win Immunity. Rachel was the only one to enter a drama and therefore won that one; Leif Bierly won the comedy with the complex “Poached,” which I still plan on writing (I’ve also been writing a pilot episode for Perry’s “A Mort of all Sorts,” which is turning out pretty funny, and I’d also like to write Ryan’s wrestling show…too many good ideas). I beseeched everyone to eliminate someone who hadn’t been playing, and they complied by getting rid of Josh Mitchell, who at any point could’ve stepped back in and won. Worth noting: Kyle Mitchell, by not doing the challenge, voted for himself for the second time in two oppurtunities.
The next one involved scaring me as much as possible in 100 words or less; I hadn’t planned a tie, but Ryan and Kelly Jo won immunity by equally unsettling me with painful, awful scenarios. The group astutely eliminated Leif, which kinda pissed me off, even though it was the most sensible move. I decided I needed to take stronger measures against non-players both immediately and in future games. Oh, and Kyle forgot to vote, making him 3-for-3 at voting for himself.
I then asked everyone to write a theme song for one of the TV show pitches. Rachel won Immunity for herself and Kelly Jo with her song about Kelly Jo’s show. With apologies to the two of them, I eliminated my brother David Erdahl, which I said I’d do if he missed another challenge. He later surprised me by saying that he read every single entry and always planned on doing them, but then was too late.
The poker game was next. I was defending my title from last year, and Ryan, Tara, and Kelly Jo arrived to try to win Immunity. Rachel couldn’t be there but chose my wife Cathy to play for her; Perry couldn’t show up at the last minute, and Kyle then somehow failed to show despite talking about it to me several million times, including the day before. I got pretty wasted, but I vaguely remember Kelly Jo having a lot of chips before she had to leave and we dispersed them among us; I don’t remember ever having that many, but in the end, I won the game, last eliminating Tara. Tara won Immunity in that fashion, and the team split three votes each for Kyle and Kelly Jo (both of whom forgot to vote) and the tiebreaker, which was performance in the challenge, sent Kyle packing. He voted for himself all five times it was possible, and in this case, he could’ve avoided elimination simply by voting for anyone who wasn’t himself.
Coincidentally, Kyle’s challenge pitch was up next. I held out little hope for Ryan when I saw that his webpage was for a Monkey; but however basic the idea was, he managed to make me laugh out loud several times and won Immunity (with apologies to both Kelly Jo and Rachel, who had a ton of content on their pages as well). One of the bigger surprises of the game–Rachel’s elimination–took place next. It was the right move, but as host, I can honestly say I saw her in at least the final three.
The final four then moved on to the photo scavenger hunt. Kelly Jo was never able to track down a camera, which was the suckiest way possible for her to exit the game, but that’s how it happened. I guess I just think of everyone having a digital camera ever since I got one. Ironically, mine broke a couple days after that challenge ended. Anyway, Tara won with a pretty big score and Kelly Jo was gone.
The final challenge saw Ryan Fossum totally pwn the eliminated Survivors with a roast, and by winning the challenge, he chose which of the other two to eliminate, and stayed true to his original alliance, eliminating Perry.
Which leads us to now.
Here’s another cool thing: the number of times each person won Immunity. I love statistics.
Sarah Bergervoet: 0
Angie Bierly: 1
Oliver Thrun: 1
Jon Mullaly: 2
Perry Thrun: 2
Leif Bierly: 3
Ali Erdahl: 3
David Erdahl: 3
Josh Mitchell: 3
Kyle Mitchell: 3
John Youker: 3
Kelly Jo Ernst: 5
Rachel Flynn: 6
Tara Kinney: 6
Ryan Fossum: 7
The final vote of the final votes came in last night, and to tell you the truth, there really weren’t any comments worth noting here. The three members of the jury all agreed that only one person should have the title of the second winner of KellySpace Survivor. Just one person should have their name in lights alongside Rachel’s.
This person.

(2011 Kelly says: I think that’s a dead link, but it was Ryan)

Thanks for playing.

Just wow. There was really only one person that seemed to truly “get” how badass a roast should be–but man oh man, did it make for some funny stuff. One player isn’t naturally creative with the insults, and one is just probably way too nice. But even with the not-close score, these are worth reading. I’ll comment when I feel like it, and the winner will be italicized and named on each roast.
Also, the three remaining players are perhaps the worst in the game at spelling and such, so I’ll leave their stuff intact (I don’t want to spend all week on this).
I can’t stress this enough–these are very good and if you don’t have a sense of humor about yourself, you shouldn’t read them. I think everyone should have a sense of humor about themselves, but they don’t, so there.
15th Place–Sarah Bergervoet
Sarah, thank God you are artistic, because you must be dumb as shit. Honestly, who gets kicked off of Kelly Survivor first while actually trying meanwhile two other members of the game don’t try (let alone even finish the challenges) and make it drastically farther than you. I feel bad for your parents. Start wearing more hats and people will think you are Mayim Bialik. Oh that’s right you are stupid, Blossom, for the lay person. –Roasted by Ryan
Sarah Bergervoert- Yon duke of yor shalst duel with yon donkeys butt… sorry, I just don’t know how to talk like these weird renesance people…:namespace prefix = o ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office” />
Sarah B. – For someone that was so excited to play, you didn’t even show up for the first round, but judging by your profile, I can see you’ve been busy posting five pages of pictures just on yourself. You’ve created a whole myspace portfolio – perhaps trying to be found as the Sarah Jessica Parker look-a-like? Sorry, there is only one SJP there’s no need for two, however, if there’s a shortage in neck models you’ll get it.
(Kelly Says: Sarah was away the week of the first challenge, and wow, was I surprised they didn’t ditch David or Ali. If that rough roast surprised you, stick around)
14th Place–Angela Bierly
Angela – Well what can I say that your profile doesn’t already tell me? Well how about anything – since your profile tells me nothing! You have to say you love your life, he’s your husband (and he has a myspace profile, so he can check yours at anytime!). Really, most people have a hard time dealing with their own life, but you….you signed up for two. That’s got to suck!
First of all Angela, you have a blog called ‘Planting the seeds in our kids’? I haven’t read it yet, but I think that is fucked up! Aren’t you supposed to be becoming a pastor? Well, you are well on your two steps ahead of already becoming a priest, what, with what the Catholics have taught us. I appreciate you are honest in the space where it says “About Me” and you come clean and say that you’re not really an interesting person. I don’t think you realize that this not reverse psychology. I mean, if you tell us you are uninteresting, we’re gonna believe you. And that is why you have 39 friends. –Roasted by Ryan
Angela Bierly- She’s from ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags” />Austin, Minnesota huh? You know who else is? John Madden. Let’s just hope she’s not as fat and ugly as he is! I sure do love that spam though!
(Kelly Says: I’m a little saddened that nobody called back to the cheating incident that eliminated Angie, but these are good. I like Tara’s (the first one) as well)
13th Place–Oliver Thrun
Oliver Thrun- One time when Oliver and I were 8 and 6 we asked mom if we could play outside. She said, “Yes, but whatever you do, don’t play with the hose!” We agreed and went outside. Mom looked out the window and of course the first thing she saw was us spraying eachother with the hose. She came out and began chasing us around the house with a padel. We out ran her for a few laps but then Oliver tripped and fell to the ground. I kept running, glanced back and saw Mom with the padel up in the air ready to swat Oliver as he reached forward and yelled, “RUN PERRY!”… I still hate him though.
Oliver – I’ve never heard of a man with a Mohawk getting pussy. I guess if you can’t find the real thing, you just buy one, huh. Make sure she is declawed. Although – those punches might look a bit more realistic if you had a few scratches on your face. Give it a try. You live in NYC, scary place – but do you really think the Mr. T look is going to fool anyone?
Alright Oliver, did someone tell you that being an atheist is going to get you more chicks? Was it that same friend that told you that the Mohawk would look good as well? That person should be shot and buried with you. That’s right Kamikaze boy! Does this mean you are some kind of Ultimate Fighting Champion or something? Hey, I see you’ve written a full length play. Let me guess, it’s about a guy in New York with a Mohawk that is struggling with his belief in God and so he becomes a UFC contestant and after a broken femur finds the strength to believe in God. Pain is temporary, pride is for sentimental douchebags who write their life story and wish that people care. BLAHHH! –Roasted by Ryan
(Kelly Says: Ryan’s is pretty inaccurate, all things considered (Oliver is too smart and creative to write a play about himself) and the Mohawk was based on an online vote, which is pretty funny, but it’s still a good roast)
12th Place John Youker
John Youker– So your trying weight watchers and have been having some success. I find it funny that you list your results yet you haven’t updated your picture. I’m still trying to understand why you are trying to lose weight, everyone knows the funnies people in improve are those that laugh at themselves. What will you have left to laugh at if not of your weight?
Time to tackle John Youker. It says on your myspace you are like Han Solo, Spiderman, Count Rugen, Leatherface, Rain and a Passionate Kisser. What the fuck man, slim down the surveys or fucking pick a hero. You are like Han Solo because you used to be cool and now you’re just a drunken dick? Spiderman, you mean that you’re a complete tard that only will have a chance in life if a fucking radio active spider bites you? And by passionate kisser you mean that once you do get a chick to go at it with you that you get while the getting’s good, then yes, I suppose that one is accurate.
John Youker- Hey remember when John played Huck’s dad in Tom Sawyer… or was it Doc Robinson? I couldn’t tell his characters apart because of the strange choice to sweat off all of their facial hair. So that’s what that rat on the ground was. –Roasted by Perry

(Kelly Says: the line about the characters sweating off their facial hair was one of the funniest in the whole thing)

11th Place Ali Erdahl

Ali, Ali, Ali… Is it bad enough that your brothers are Kelly, Nick and Dave but what’s with this attention whore routine? I haven’t gone a week, not one fucking week that you post a bulletin with a new name pleading for all your “friends” (or should we say the losers that you hang out with) to come to yourspace and comment on your whore monger pics. Let me sum one of the comments up. “Ali, you are so hot.” How the fuck can this entertain you for hours on end? Let me pop in a Barney tape and maybe you’ll learn something. This is the last thing, I know you spend at least a half an hour on each one of those fucking sessions to view all of your mercy “comments” why the fuck couldn’t you play Kelly Survivor? –Roasted by Ryan
Alexandra – Since your page is set to private I couldn’t learn anything about you. Really – what are you being so private about anyway? Don’t you have to be 18 to have a myspace account anyway? I think there are laws against roasting minors so I’ll have to pass on this one.
Ali Erdahl- She’s a hurdler huh? You know I ran the hurdles in high school too. It was real when I did it though, because I’m not a girl.

(Kelly Says: that hurdles bit is funny, but Ryan’s roast of Ali was my single favorite of all of them. It’s very caustic and super-angry. Plus, it’s nearly perfect in its accuracy. I’d say “here’s hoping she doesn’t open this and read it,” but she didn’t open any of these when she was “playing,” so it’s not much of a worry)

10th Place Jon Mullaly

Another Damned Jon. Change your damned Jon picture. Smoking was cool when we were what? 16? Yeah. You do it now when you are drinking or done fucking. Get over yourself. You don’t look cool. You look 10 years away from having piss yellow hands, more wrinkles than you can shake a stick at and a severe case of the whooping cough. Oh, and one of your hobbies is long division. Were you way ahead in second grade and then just quit trying. Douche. –Roasted by Ryan
Jon M. – I have to say I disagree with you. You say “yeah….another damn Jon” as if there are already too many of them, but really, being a woman, I can tell you first hand I wish there where a LOT more Jon’s. When you gotta go…ya gotta go!!
Jon Mullaly- Pretty excited about that new vacuum cleaner huh? I don’t know why, it sucks.

9th Place Josh Mitchell

Okay Josh. Did you nickname yourself ‘The Van?’ I bet you did. It gives you a sense of power, or at least purpose. Did you realize you are one step away from those jag-offs that have a white background on myspace. You have one picture. I see your profile and it makes me feel like you spent more time whacking off than actually giving a shit what kind of experience that people would have looking at yourspace. Oh, was the background picked to impress Dennis Hopper or Laura Dern? Or was it perhaps Kyle McLaughlin? Oh well, at least your “nickname” was cool! Lunchbox. –Roasted by Ryan
Josh Mitchell- I don’t think I’ve ever seen a worse coach in fantasy football! I mean how many games did he win, 2? What kind of coach can’t even win three games… oh, wait.
Josh M. (The Van) – The only Van I know of is Van Wilder – and he’ pretty damn funny. As he once said: I think you’ve got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you. (Write that down).

(Kelly Says: I didn’t particularly want to give to Ryan on principle because he misspelled Kyle McLachlan’s name, but what am I going to do, give it to Tara? Seriously, Tara: there’s not one thing funny about Ryan Reynolds. Nothing. He’s a fucking douchebag. Oops, now I’m roasting!)

8th Place David Erdahl

David, how did a strung out bastard like you make it this far in the competition. You must be some kind of mad retard or Stephen Hawkins. You just pretend to be dumb, but really you could cure A.I.D.S.; which is exactly what you compared your home town to. I don’t know about you, but I grew up in Sioux Falls, SD and I really thought Blue Earth was great. You make your own fun, idiot! Oh wait, it was all a sham, you are also one of those know-it-all punks that should have gotten your ass handed to you by your Dad when you where 12. Listen to your Mom. Don’t try and be cool, because you’re not. You’ll come into your own. I’m praying for your dumbass. –Roasted by Ryan
Davy – What he heck? – “gay as aids”….hey that’s my home your talking about! No really – I have to agree with you….glad I moved out. Here’s some advice for you as you are nearly reaching college age: Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
David Erdahl- Erdahl? More like NERDhall! Go play some chess dorklinger.

(Kelly Says: Important note here. It saddens and embarrasses me that David used the term “gay as AIDS.” In addition to being a term that doesn’t make sense anymore, it’s also a legitimate huge insult to tons of people. Seriously, I can take anything, but that’s a fucking embarrassment)

7th Place Leif Bierly

Leif – My hats off to you. You were the first real threat of the game that we strategized to eliminate. Your humor is too much like Kelly’s and had we not voted you off – you surely would have won….awe, but…such is life, I mean leef….awe shit – what ever your damn name is! Give me a beer!
Leif Bierly- I couldn’t really come up with anything bad about ol’ ‘Leaf’. ‘Leaf’ is just such a great guy, y’know. I still remember when Leaf first fell out of that tree…
You spent more time letting people know how to pronounce your name on myspace than anything else. Good plan, fuckcan. This does explain the one-sidedness of Leif Beirly. Oh, wait! Hey, I was looking at the celebrities that you most look like. You’re right Leif; you do look like Hugh Jackman, except for really fat and Norwegian. And thank God you did find Narcotics Anonymous; you didn’t destroy your whole brain and found a pedophile priestess who could perfectly replicate with your genes to make a clone of our favorite cereal box character the one and only Frankenberry. You know, from the group of Booberry and Count Choculah. She is adorable! And all you have to do for Halloween is get her some pink glasses. –Roasted by Ryan
(Kelly Says: I love the callback to the “planting the seeds in our kids” thing. A roast that includes a previous roast! Love it.)

6th Place Kyle Mitchell

Kyle Mitchell- I’ve never even heard of you!
Kyle: You damn stoner. What the hell….and you still don’t believe that weed destroys braincells? What the heck happened to the poker tourney? Here’s a tip: Don’t smoke pot, when your already stoned you won’t get any higher, you’ll just have less pot!
Hey Kyle, looks like you’ve got a lot going for you in your life. You like UFC, Lewis Black and Faster Pussycat. Boy, if that isn’t an equation for drinking yourself to death I don’t know what is. I see you’ve been working with the blind. It looks like a girl that you know, Melissa, called you handsome. I know it’s the thought that counts, but shouldn’t she have some kind of reference? I know why you got divorced. Could it be the two words you chose for your banner? “Free Porn”? Was she that frigid, or that ugly? –Roasted by Ryan
5th Place Rachel Flynn

Now we come to Rachel Ann Flynn, what can I say about her that has not already been said? Well, first of all it says you love learning about Physics and Chemistry and “stuff”. Really Rachel? Is that the technical word for it? Stuff? I can tell you’re an intellectual. Next we are going to talk about, “Dogs, cats, monkeys”. Where did this come from? Was it a sexual innuendo that went wrong? Now we come to the nickname, that you wear like a badge. “Dirty.” How did you get this nickname? I think you should have expanded your intrests under General. Perhaps after “Dogs, Cats, Monkeys,” you should have listed peanut butter as an active intrest. I’m not saying you’re into beastiality, but come on… adopting all those dogs? I’m sure if we dig deeper we find you are the majority stock holder in the Jif (creamy) peanut butter company. –Roasted by Ryan
Rachel Flynn- Rachel almost made it to the top four. You know what they say about people like that… they lost.
Rachel – You are so sweet an innocent looking – but have a conniving, manipulative side to you. It was another strategic move to get rid of you – you should be proud. You played survivor well…too bad there is no survivor winner money – but then again, with your acting skills, you must be used to roughing it.

(Kelly Says: I really can’t even picture Rachel as “sweet and innocent-looking” after knowing her a couple years)

4th Place Kelly Jo Ernst

Kelly Jo- Its hard for me to say anything bad about Kelly Jo. Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s hard because she’s so nice to me on my myspace blog comments, there’s LOTS of stuff wrong with her that I could make fun of.
VeganRageGirl – There are a hundred ways to toast you – but I’d rather you just heard this song – it says so much:
Vegan Rage Girl, where do I begin? First of all I see you have a blog called, “Single people need hobbies since they’re not having sex” this somewhat infuriates me because not only do you choose to be single, you are a BI-SEXUAL!! That improves your chances by OVER 50%. What is the problem? Everyone on the street has a chance with you!! I guess you have crippled yourself so much in the way of personality and friendliness that you can’t go out there and get a piece of strange ass. I mean come on. And you say that you’re for the protection of animals but it says in your “about me” that you want to tear out a child’s heart and put it in a jar? Isn’t that a double standard? Here’s a new basic strategy for Kelly Jo’s life; “fuck more, complain less.” I assure you, you will be happier. –Roasted by Ryan
(Kelly Says: kudos to Ryan for not going with the super-obvious animal route with his main idea)

Your Host Kelly Wells (Ryan forgot to roast me)

Kelly Wells – Last but not least, Smallyfry. Truly – there is nothing I can say that Ryan and Perry won’t beat – (damn masterbaters) – but I wanted to say Thank you for putting on this game of survivor – it’s been fun re-meeting up with you after so many years. You truly haven’t changed. Same clown with a sense of humor that only Ryan or Leif would understand – but hey, atleast your funny to someone. 😉
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Kelly Wells- Oh Kelly, I’ve never seen someone so desperate for a friend to play Wii with. It’s alright buddy, you can alway play with yourself. –Roasted by Perry

Final score: Ryan 11, Perry 2. Ryan wins Immunity.

As for the Elimination, I made a point to get a hold of Ryan on IM so I could just get it done with in one post.

Ryan’s Vote: Perry Thrun. “I think I gotta go Perry, Tara was my first alliance.”

He also said of the roasts, “I couldn’t go back over and proofread the grammar, because I couldn’t bear to look at them again.” I feel that.
13th Elimination from Kellyspace Survivor: Perry Thrun

Time for Rachel, Kelly Jo and Perry to send me their votes for the winner–Ryan or Tara. Tell me who deserves to win and why.

And the next post will finish the game. Cheers.

Wow. I totally could’ve posted this hours ago; I kept forgetting while doing absolutely nothing important.
Anyway, because of the difficulty of obtaining a camera for some, I allowed votes for people who didn’t play this time. Luckily, it would’ve gone the same way either way.
The queue, which is boring because nobody made comments:
Vote One: Kelly Jo Ernst.
Vote Two: Perry Thrun.
Vote Three: Kelly Jo Ernst.
Vote Four: Kelly Jo Ernst.
Twelfth Person Eliminated from KellySpace Survivor (and once again the fourth-place finisher): Kelly Jo Ernst
This leaves just three competitors, and this is the twelfth and final challenge. It should be known that whomever wins this challenge will choose which of the other two to eliminate, and the three members of the jury (Rachel, Kelly Jo and whoever finishes in third place) will decide which of the last two will be the winner.
The challenge is this: The Friar’s Club Roast.
Based on the dirty Comedy Central roasts of the same name, your mission is to roast the twelve eliminated Survivors, starting with Sarah Bergervoet and ending with Kelly Jo. If you’ve never seen one of these roasts, basically, what happens is you pay the person respect through jokes and humiliation. I don’t want to get painfully personal here–Kyle’s divorce, for instance, should probably be off limits (although I imagine Kyle himself would probably find it funny, but I just want to keep the rule consistent)–but I think these people all have a sense of humor about themselves, so hopefully, they won’t take offense. And if they do? Well, they should buck up and know that everything was done in the name of love. And winning Survivor, which is of course more important than love.
Separate your roasts of each person by putting them in their own paragraphs; send them to Cathy at Each roast of each person should be no more than seventy-five words. It’s no big deal if it’s quite a bit less, as long as it’s funny enough to trump the others.
Scoring: Cathy will break the roasts down person by person, and I’ll give a point to the funniest one about each person. For instance, the best one about Leif gets one point, the best about Rachel one point…this is pretty clear, right?
Oh, and roast me as well. I’m eager to see what y’all throw down there. So there will be 13 separate roasts and points.
Final note: I really want everyone in on this, so let me be clear here: if I only get two of them, I’ll automatically eliminate the non-participant in third place. Just a heads up, yo.
In case anyone’s worried about not knowing people very much, use their homepages. All the links are in order on my top friends space.
If there are any questions on this final bit of fun, let me know. These are due on Wednesday, June 20th when I wake up. I’ll immediately score it, announce who’s the immunity winner, and ask them to vote someone off. Then the jury will be asked to vote for a winner. Then I’ll post the winner. And then one of you will be a Motherf*&^ing Legend of KellySpace.
It has been a sexy ride with you all. Cheers.

Okay, weinerheads. Only two of the four people sent stuff (I had high hopes that Kelly Jo would find a camera, but it apparently didn’t happen. And Ryan? No idea, homeslice).
These are the links to the others:
Tara (you may have to register with Snapfish–it’s free–to see them):
Here’s the thing: I wasn’t too stringent about the rules–for instance, with the black minivan, the blackness of one of them is debateable and the mini-ness of the other is debateable. But the score wasn’t necessarily that close, as one person mentioned they only had the camera for one day.
Know what I love about this one? It’s tough to do for you guys, but super-fantastically easy for me to score.
Funny things that happened:
Perry, indeed, photographed himself “getting it on” in the Burger King bathroom. Hopefully, you all know the song I’m referencing here.
Perry took a picture of a guy who could play Santa Claus, but wasn’t in the picture himself, so no points. Tara took a picture of an Edmund Jones instead of a Mike Jones (gravestone), and I didn’t give points there either.
For the Washington Driver’s License, Tara sent me a picture of a license plate. D’oh!
Nobody gave me a picture of a red-haired Hooter’s waitress. This makes me very sad. Also, it would appear nobody even attempted to get Renee and Patrick naked, nor to get to the moon.
Anyway, refer to the list if you want to, but the score is:
Tara 33, Perry 20
Immunity Winner: Tara Kinney …oops, almost wrote “Johnson.” Old habits die hard, I guess.
Y’all have until Friday morning when I wake up to make your next elimination for anyone but Tara. The final challenge will be a one-weeker, but as you’ll see when I post it, I’ll be safeguarding against non-entries pretty fiercely (don’t worry, you don’t need a camera or anything; you already have everything you need).
Cheers, and there’s just a week or so left.
Final Challenge Teaser: “Friar’s Club”

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Jury.
The Jury will determine who wins this game, and will consist of the last three people eliminated before the final two. In other words, today’s elimination will be the first member of the much-smaller-this-year jury.
Why a small jury this year? Well, ’cause last year, some of the people who had been gone for quite a while didn’t really pay much attention anymore and hadn’t been around long enough to see the strategy of the finalists. I believe the right person won, but I still think I should keep it more exclusive this year.
Plus, I forgot to mention the Jury until now. So there’s that.
Anyway, let’s read the votes:
Vote One: Rachel Flynn. “She is my favorite.” I don’t know what that means, but okay.
Vote Two: Perry Thrun.
Vote Three: Rachel Flynn.
Vote Four: Kelly Jo Ernst.
Vote Five: Rachel Flynn. “Sorry….you won last season’s survivor — can’t have you winning again. ;)”
Eleventh Person Eliminated from Kellyspace Survivor: Rachel Flynn
Do you know what this is? It’s totally like the death of Superman. Last year when Rachel decided to join the first game, I didn’t immediately consider her one of the favorites to win because she didn’t know a lot of people and I largely underestimated her networking skills. She so totally dominated the first Kellyspace Survivor it was scary; I had picked Sam Fronek as my most likely winner, but when Sam went down in second place, I wasn’t surprised by that point.
Rachel saw 25 eliminations of other people in this game before her own number finally came up. I can’t imagine the game without her.
So I’m quitting.
Okay, just kidding. I’m over it and living in the now! So here’s the challenge, my faithful final four.
A Thousand Words: Part IV
It’s called part four because last year I had three separate challenges that were all known as “A Thousand Words,” all for different reasons. But this year, it’s called that for pretty much the same reason as last year: it’s about pictures (get it? ’cause a picture’s worth a thousand words?)
I was told by the people who made the final four last year that the photo scavenger hunt was one of their favorite challenges of the whole game, so it’s returning in the same position. The best way for you to get them to me is to host them on yahoo or snapfish or something, but if you need to send me a zip file, that works too. Just let me know how you’ll be doing it.
Now, last year I had two sections: one was just a hunt (if you got the picture, you got the points), and the other was a thing where I provided a caption that you took a picture for (the best one got the points). This time I’m eliminating the caption–if that was a mistake, I apologize–because then I won’t have to worry about being objective. Trust me, I’ll be worrying about that during the next and final challenge.
For each of these, just take the picture and you get the number of points in parentheses. When you send/post your pictures, the title of each photo can simply be the number of the photo. Does that ugly sentence make sense?
I’ll explain tiebreakers below, because controversy sucks when we get this late.
Also, if there’s an asterisk, you must be in the photo as well.
1 You giving, or receiving, a zerbert/raspberry (1)
2 A stack of Dr. Seuss books (four constitutes a stack) (1)
3 A bird’s nest that would be safer somewhere else (1)
4 A blue silo (1)
5 A misspelling or grammatical error on a sign in a store (1)
6 A Burger King bathroom (double points if you’re “getting it on”) (1)
7 A can of Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream
8 An already-eliminated Survivor* (2)
9 A fire extinguisher in a high school science room* (2)
10 A green road sign with the letters K, E, L, L and Y (there must be two Ls, but none of that has to be in order and it’s not case sensitive) (2)
11 A backyard barbecue (2)
12 A black minivan (3)
13 Kelly Wells (me) playing Wii (3)
14 Kelly Wells (the porn star) playing Wii (7)
15 A red-haired waitress at Hooter’s* (3)
16 A pink house (3)
17 The Carl’s Jr. star mascot (3)
18 You riding the mechanical bull* (4)
19 Roadside Mile Marker 25 (4)
20 A Hindu Temple (4)
21 A guy who could play Santa* (4)
22 A girl/woman in a Sari (4)
23 A gravestone for someone named Mike/Michael Jones (4)
24 A water tower with a missing letter (5)
25 An Alaska license plate (5)
26 A Washington Driver’s License (5)
27 Minnesota Twin Pat Neshek* (double points if he’s holding a sign that says “Kellyspace Survivor rules”) (6)
28 WWE referee Mike Chioda* (7)
29 Renee Roy or Patrick McIntyre naked (double points if both together) (25)
30 You standing in the Sea of Tranquility on the moon* (25)

Easy enough, right? No? Yeah, I know. I made them tough this year. Hence, for the last time (obviously, since there’s only one challenge after this), you have almost two weeks. Have these in by Wednesday, June 13th when I wake up and I’ll score the living hell out of them. Questions can go here, homies.


Your competition, and also you



I: Rachel “The Double-Dealer” Flynn

II: Ryan “The Snake” Fossum

III: Patrick “The Gentleman” Kozicky

IV: Brienne “The Submitter” Maner

V: Rusty “The Porn Star” Greene

VI: Brooks “The Unlikely Hero” Maki

VII: William “The Soulful” Schuth

VIII: Brooks “The Survivor” Maki

IX: Zack “The Ice Cream Man” Sauvageau

X: Pete “The Vacuum Cleaner” Bruzek

Turbo: Brooks “The 1956-1979 Montreal Canadiens” Maki

XI: Matt “The Cold-Hearted Motherf*&^er” Novak

All-Stars (XII): Andy “The Quiet Man” Rustleund

XIII: Sarah “Clarence’s Hope” Bizek

XIV: Dan “The Professional” Kautz

XV: Christina “Assault And” Pepper

XVI: Matt “The First-Time Player” Novak

XVII: Stacy “Saintly Patience” Snell

XVIII: Brian “Checkmate” David

XIX: Annette “Eammon for the Top” Barron

XX: Daniel “Neville “Smash “Hardware” Hardwood” Longbottom” Caouette

XXI: Pete “The Comeback Kid” Bruzek

XXII: Dan “The Even More Professional” Kautz

XXIII: Melissa “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” David

XXIV: Stacy “Fucking” Snell

I: Dragging Rivet’s Name Through the Mud One Last Time: Matt Novak (Ultragrandpa) and Michael Rivet (Friph Flipher-Fiph)
II: Bahambo Number 5: Pete “Triple Crown” Bruzek and Michelle “Single Tiara…So Far” Pratt

I: Brooks “Oh, for the Love of God” Maki
II: Michael “#DDB” Rivet
III: Pete “Fortune’s Fool” Bruzek
IV: Erin “All Seven and We’ll Watch Them Fall” Leslie
V: Jake “Littlefinger” Elliott

2014: Brooks “The Creator” Maki
2015: Matt “The Artist” Novak
2016: Matt “Waited Them Out” Novak
2017: Annette “I Would’ve Voted for You” Barron

2013: #21 Greg “The Gallant Glutton of Greatness” Johnson
2014: #29 Jonathon “Big Papa” Pope
2015: #8 Christina “Am I in This?” Pepper
2016: #22 Annette “No Backs Stabbed” Barron
2017: #30 Bernice “The Vulture” Nicaise
2018: #17 Carrie “Solid Gold” Bard
2019: #16 Jake “The Jabroni” Elliott

(Writing, non-elimination)
I: Sarah “Centipede Face” Johnson
II: Sarah “The Johnson Eliminator” Wreisner
III: Colin “Lonely Old Moon” Woolston
IV: Melissa “Not Sidebar Material” Diamond
V: Sama “No Family Reunions” Smith
VI: Sarah “Tumor Face” Wreisner
VII: John “Cult Following” Wreisner
VIII: Joshua “Peed the Bed” Longman
VIII: Annette “Oh, Right, That’s Who Won” Barron

WEREWOLF (most recent)

Werewolf Stats Spreadsheet

I (Pure): Matthew “The Obsessor” Gilman
I (Power): Kelly “The Novak-Destroyer” Wells

I: Matt “Exploiter of Worlds” Novak (France)

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