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Despite absolutely no demand whatsoever, I made a Sporcle Quiz containing all 112 players that have ever played the game.

Here it is.

I realize most of you won’t get a lot, but I made this for myself as much as anything. Have fun, y’all!

I never thought I’d share this openly, but I also never thought I’d be playing, and if I have this info then everyone should. Plus, it’s awesome.

Enjoy the history of the game.

Here ya go!

Sorry this took so long, but what the hell. It’s just a silly diversion. If you have any ideas for the next list, speak your minds, fair Survivor fans.

I had a couple more Honorable Mentions, but one ties in to one of the real list entries, and the others are belaboring points already made in the list. So let’s get after it:

Read the rest of this entry »

It’s high time I shared these publicly.

Spookymilk Survivor History (Details every player, by game)

Survivor: Average Finish (A list of best to worst players according to average finish)

Team Names: Worst to Best (Not a spreadsheet. Also, not scientific.)

There are spreadsheets from last season and this season to show voting history, too, but I’m not sure that should be for public consumption (certainly not this season’s, at any rate).

Ryan “AdobeRy” Sorrell – Survivor VIII player and Werewolf regular – sends this holiday cheer to those who visit the site.

Just wanted to wish ya’ll a Merry Christmas (or whatever suits you) and wish you happiness and good fortune in the coming year. Thanks to Spooky for having this site and its fun games. Thanks to all the WW mods. Thanks to all the participants in both werewolf and Survivor. You all provide me with free entertainment, lots of good short stories and some incredible ones, lots of laughs and a place to have fun and be creative. It has been fun hanging out here this past year. Thanks!

I will leave you with a classic poem to continue the holiday cheer…

Twas the night before Christmas, on the floor in this house
Spooky started to stir, he was really quite soused;
The stockings still clung to his legs like a bear
That he’d run in, buck naked, ‘cross the yard on a dare;
His children were wide eyed, awake in their beds,
The vision of daddy still stuck in their heads;
The milkmaid’s energy had all but been tapped
Re-taping the gifts that Spooky’d unwrapped;
When out of the kitchen there arose such a clinking,
She got up, fists clenched and thought, “now what’s he drinking!”;
Then Spooky “flew” by in a Plinko like dance,
Straight to the toilet…oops! Tripped over some pants;
So close, almost made it, three feet more to go
But instead on the bathmat dear Spooky did blow;
The loss hit him hard, even brought on a tear
The sight of more wasted Cheaptoy brewed beer;
A sound got him moving to the window right quick
“It couldn’t be could it? It must be a trick”;
But hitched to a sleigh, were some friends from his games
Eight reindeermen, topless, Santa called them by name;
“Now, Nibbish! now, Higgum! now, Meat and DG!
On Greekhouse, on, Colin, on, DK, Ms. Ashley!
Now listen dear Spooky, can’t you hear your wife call?”
Then he blinked and was facing a windowless wall;
Slurry and stumbling, she led him to bed
She aimed for the pillow, he “chose” floor instead;
She threw him a blanket, then turned out the light
And exclaimed to no one, “just a typical night.”

Thank you, Ryan.

Is it “thank you” I’m looking for?

I’ve added seasons V and VI to the Archives. It took a ludicrous amount of time, and I’m still planning on doing the first four seasons at some point. I’m an idiot.

Well, three of the five votes I asked for came in. I guess that’s enough.

Four months we’ve been doing this, people.

We’re at the endgame now.

Does this one-sentence-per-paragraph thing seem heavy-handed?

Sports “writer” Bill Plaschke does it. It gives him a puffed-up sense of importance.

Anyway, on to the votes. The votes here are votes for the winner; you want to see your name written here.

Vote One: Rusty Greene. “i have my reasons…

;-)”

Vote Two: Rusty Greene. “I vote for Rusty to win, in hopes that he takes pictures of the trophy slowly sliding into back-gina.”

Vote Three: Rusty Greene. “I was really hoping we’d get a chance to make a final “question or comment” like real Survivor… I really wanted to play the part of “I’m clearly the best player in the game but somehow got voted out by you bastards and I’m going to be really bitter about it and I have a comment not a question and it’s that you all suck and oh yeah I do have a question and it’s why do you think you deserve the money more than me? What? Because you got further in the game, and that’s the whole point, isn’t it? Well, I don’t really have a comeback for that because it’s a pretty good point actually, but I’m still going to pout and think I’m the best because I’m actually pretty insecure and I don’t think my ego could take that right now and I think I’m going to sit down now Jeff.”

Oh yeah, I have to vote now. It doesn’t really matter because I’m the best anyway, so…

Rusty Greene

He deserves to win just for that last entry alone, even though I didn’t get to read all of it, and it rightfully got pulled from Facebook so I couldn’t finish (if you know what I mean). Is there any way you could post it somewhere it won’t get deleted?

Great game everyone, I had a blast and hope to be back next time!”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Oh, you’ll be back, voter number three. Also, Rusty yanked his story because of a job search. If you want to read the rest somehow, you’ll have to take it up with him individually, I guess. It’s worth it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of Survivor V: Rusty Greene

Rusty votes someone out:

Patrick Kozicky. ” But don’t be sad Patrick, I had to stick to my alliance. I’m loyal like that.”

Twentieth Elimination from KellyFace Survivor: Patrick Kozicky

Pretty close to a second championship for Patrick. In fact, he was close last year until he missed a challenge with four or five people left, so he could easily have three.

But hey, fuck him. Here’s the jury:

Patrick Kozicky
Andy Rustleund
Rachel Flynn
Kelly Jo Ernst
Samantha Fronek

The last task in this game befalls the five of you: send me a message saying who you think deserves to win. As always, votes will be anonymous, but comments will be thrown up. If anyone fails to vote by, let’s say, Tuesday when I wake up, I’ll just eliminate them both and award the trophy to myself make it an abstention, and go with the votes we have.

If we get an even number of votes and there’s a tie, I’ll go backward through the eliminations looking for someone to break it.

The next post will then give us a winner. Wow, Ben, efficient time-killer until Opening Day, yeah? I totally planned that.

Cheers, everyone.

Here it is, people. The Final Challenge. Iowa legalized gay marriage today, so let’s celebrate by letting gay people (well, two out of three) write super-gay stories about ultra-gay Todd, yeah?

Enjoy the final round of overwhelming filth. The photos in the link from the first one are very graphic. You’ve been warned.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rusty Greene

(Kelly: ) Don’t follow this link if you…you know what? I almost want to say “Just don’t follow this link, and you’ll be fine.” It is all very hilarious, leading up to an excellent climax. But it’s got X-rated illustrations. I am in no way exaggerating. You’ve been warned.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=73521&id=675062506&l=e021488924&ref=share#

Kelly:

Oh my God. Did I just see all of that? And read all of that? Holy Kee-Rist.

Empathetic response from the reader in regards to Todd Karner: 4. He was a likeable enough hero, but often more of a spectator (or, more correctly, a “bitch”) than a protagonist.
Creativity in the creation of new characters: 5. Using real celebrities in the way they were used was pretty amazing. And King Triton…my God. But still, I’m warning most of you: you might not want to see it.
Creativity of choices given at the end of each scenario: 5. I can’t pick out just one…all three are great.
Overall effectiveness of the CHOOSE YOUR OWN TODD-VENTURE: 5. It’s funny, jaw-dropping, and clever. Pop culture is skewered like a muhfuh. It’s more than I imagined. It’s also insanely long. Methinks Rusty was working on this from the time it was announced.
Effective use of a talking whale named ‘Gus’: 5. Gus is in the bottom corner of each page as the helpful page-turner, but when the real “Talking Whale Named Gus” arrives…my God. Just…my God.

Ben:

Empathetic response from the reader in regards to Todd Karner: 5 — the Todd Empathy was thick.
Creativity in the creation of new characters: 5 — tons of fun characters popped in and out of this gay fantasia.
Creativity of choices given at the end of each scenario: 5 — the choices were perfectly awesome. and they stayed extremely true to the actual CYOAs of years past.
Overall effectiveness of the CHOOSE YOUR OWN TODD-VENTURE: 5 — it was fucking unreal. there were so many fantastic Todd-isms…and to end it with my favorite stupid Todd quote of all time…wow. way to go.
Effective use of a talking whale named ‘Gus’: 5 — not only did you utilize Gus the talking whale, but you incorporated the Gus rule into other parts of the story. Jesus…what a suck up.

TOTAL SCORE: 49

Patrick Kozicky

Toddstralia

It was a Monday night, which only meant one thing in Todd’s mind; Karaoke night at the Gay 90’s. He called his friend Bobby. “Hello” answered Bobby.
“Dude, what are you up to tonight?” asked Todd.
“Not sure,” Bobby answered. “I was maybe going to go to this party.”
“Oh yeah? Who is going to be there?” Todd asked.
“I don’t know, Todd. Maybe Ben, and Jess, and Sam. Pretty much the usual I guess”
Todd thought for a moment. “I’ll call you later Bobby. I might have other plans. I’ll let you know.”
“Whatever Todd.”
“Alright man, talk to you later.” Todd hung up the phone and looked in the mirror. “I need to change.” He removed his red Flash shirt, and put on his Green Lantern shirt. “Much better. I’m thirsty. It’s been at least 10 minutes since my last beer.” He went to the kitchen, opened up a beer and thought about what to do that night.
Should Todd:
a) go to the party
b) go to the Gay 90’s for karaoke

A) You have decided that Todd should go to the party.
Todd calls Bobby back and lets him know he will be going to the party. When he gets there Todd drinks way too much wine and beer. Thriller comes on the radio and Todd begins to “impress” the crowd with his dance routine. During a tricky moonwalk – spin combination Todd slips and falls backwards through a window to his death.

B) You have decided that Todd should go to the Gay 90’s.
Todd makes his way to the club. As he enters through the doors confetti falls from the ceiling and sirens go off. He is the 69th homo to enter the bar that night. Todd has won an all expenses paid cruise to Sydney Australia to celebrate Gay Pride, courtesy of Golden Showers Spas. Todd celebrates by singing Rainbow Connection, and inviting a few guys from the bar to his place to watch Robot Chicken and cuddle.

Todd woke up the next day and wiped the semen and wine stains from his lips. His “friends” from the bar had already left. Todd replayed the previous night’s events in his head. He couldn’t decide what he made him the happiest: his new prostate pals, or his trip to Australia. “It’s a tie,” thought Todd, as he pulled a used condom from his Todd-hole. “Now I’ve got a different kind of packing to do.”
All packed and ready to go, Todd made his way to docks. When he got there he couldn’t believe his eyes, or contain his boner. Shirtless men were gaying up the docks. Todd made his way through the glitter and gayness to the boat. He whipped out his ticket and showed it to the guard. “Sorry little boy, but the boat is jammed full of queers. It seems we’ve oversold,” said the guard.
“Shenanigans!” Cried Todd. “What do you mean? How can this be? Isn’t there anything you can do to help me?”
“Calm down, silly homo. It just so happens that we have two sailboats that are about to take off. One is captained by Meth-donna the drag queen, and the other is captained by Tina Tur-anny. They are both looking for a first mate. The choice is yours.”
Should Todd:
a) Go with Meth-donna
b) Go with Tina Tur-anny

A) You have decided that Todd should go with Meth-donna.
“Welcome aboard,” said Meth-donna. I hope you’re ready for the adventure of a lifetime. We’re going to be fast friends. I can tell. Please help yourself to some wine. And feel free to relax with some of these comic books I brought with me.”
It was then, that Todd knew, this would be the best trip of his life.

B) You have decided that Todd should go with Tina Tur-anny
As Todd stepped on to the sail boat he slipped on a bottle of Tina’s pills, knocking them over the side. In a hormonal whirlwind of rage only capable of a pre-op transsexual, Tina Tur-anny grabbed the nearest bottle, broke it on the side of the boat and cut Todd in neck. As Todd lay in boat, bleeding to death, the tranny robbed him, and cut him into tiny pieces. Over the course of the trip the tranny ate pieces of Todd, because that’s what trannies do.

Todd and Meth-donna set sail for Sydney. They tried their best to tail behind the cruise ship, but they were soon lost, because…well, let’s face it, drunk Todd is retarded. The tiny sail boat drifted aimlessly across the ocean. Todd and the drag queen passed the time with wine, comics and show tunes. Days passed by. The sun beat down on them. Meth-donna’s makeup had all but dripped completely down her face. Todd’s wine and coffee stench grew to new heights. “We’ve got to do something. I can’t go on anymore,” cried Todd. At that moment something in the distance caught his eye. Something large and blue was heading their way at an alarming speed.
“What in God’s name is that?” asked the drag queen.
Todd squinted and studied the figure, racing toward them. “I think it’s….it’s…oh shit! It’s a whale!” Sure enough a large blue whale was making its way to the tiny gay sailboat. As it approached the whale began to circle them. It poked its head out and appeared to be looking at them.
“What does it want?” Meth-donna asked, adjusting her wig.
Just then the whale stopped. It lifted its massive head out of the water and in a deep Australian accent, uttered, “Now wha’ do we ‘ave here? A boy in a dress and a clearly homosexual Yankee. Seems ya ‘aven’t been told. We don’t allow outsiders in these waters. Now it’s time to die.”
“Todd!” Cried Meth-donna. “You’ve got to do something.”
Should Todd:
a) Fight the whale.
b) Try to talk to the whale

A) You have decided that Todd should fight the whale.
“Not today!” Todd yelled at the whale. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the throwing stars he kept on him, for such occasions. He chucked the stars at the whale. The whale turned and swung his tail at the stars, hurling them back at Todd and Meth-donna. The stars hit Todd and the drag queen in the face. “Not my beautiful face!” cried Todd. The whale then opened his enormous mouth and swallowed Todd, Meth-donna and the boat, killing them instantly.

B) You have decided that Todd should try to talk to the whale.
A smile crept across Todd’s faggy face. “Finally!” he thought to himself. “My powers have met their destiny.” Unbeknownst to Meth-donna and the whale, Todd has been gifted with perfect Australian dialect.

“Blimey!” said Todd. “You don’t truly think I’m an American, do ya mate?”
“You’re not?” said the whale.
“Gosh no! We’re just a couple of Aussie bums out on a day trip. We seem to have lost our way. Any chance you could be a mate, and help us out?”
“Well, now that I hear your accent, I feel just horrible! I don’t know how I could have ever mistaken you two blokes for a couple of Americans. You are clearly from Australia. Of course I can help you. You’re really close to Sydney. It’s about 60 clicks away. I’ll push you there myself. And judging by your obvious homosexual traits, I’d say you’ll be happy to know that Pride is happening as we speak. A hot piece like you, outta be able to get wrecked. By the way, the name’s Gus.”
“G’day Gus. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
With that, Gus got behind the boat and began pushing them to shore. Meth-donna was so impressed with Todd’s powers the she decided to reveal her secret. “Todd, I have something to tell you. I’m the grand marshal of the Pride Parade here in Sydney, this year. Your bravery and blatant homosexuality have earned you a spot on my float, and first dips on the golden sling.”
“That’s what I’ve always wanted,” said Todd. He was finding it hard not to cry. “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve dreamt of nothing but harnessing myself in a golden sling and being split like wet timber. Thank you Meth-donna.”
“No Todd. Thank you.”
As Gus pushed the two rectum raiders ashore, Todd and Meth-donna embraced each other, in anticipation of the Australian butt babies that would soon be filling them up.

THE END

Kelly:

Empathetic response from the reader in regards to Todd Karner: 5. So help me, Todd was more likeable in this story than in real life. I actually wanted him to succeed!
Creativity in the creation of new characters: 3. I like Meth-Donna fine, but it seems he could’ve been fleshed out more.
Creativity of choices given at the end of each scenario: 3. The story was awesomely funny, but the choices were a little straightforward.
Overall effectiveness of the CHOOSE YOUR OWN TODD-VENTURE: 4. Really funny in many ways. I guess I just wanted more from the choices.
Effective use of a talking whale named ‘Gus’: 4. I can’t get enough of the dialect riffs on Todd.

Very funny piece.

Ben:

Empathetic response from the reader in regards to Todd Karner: 5 — the fact that Bobby actually answered his phone when he saw that it was Todd on the other end, is empathy enough for me…‘cause that would just plain never happen.
Creativity in the creation of new characters: 3 — there were a couple interesting characters here, but aside from Gus, they were all human and a lot of them were actual “friends” of Todd.
Creativity of choices given at the end of each scenario: 4 — I enjoyed the fact that there was always one death. in a Todd Choose Your Own Adventure, there should always be one death per choice.
Overall effectiveness of the CHOOSE YOUR OWN TODD-VENTURE: 4 — it was thoroughly enjoyed by me.
Effective use of a talking whale named ‘Gus’: 5 — duh. the Gus part was perfect. when you broke out the dialects thing, I peed.
TOTAL SCORE: 40

Ryan Fossum

Todd Karner’s Australian Gay Pride march across the ocean

At the beginning of our story our bold, blonde haired heroine Todd Karner has boarded the USS Meatboat Erroneous and has set to sea for the Continent of Australia to strut his obscenely small man-bone in his very first gay parade, down under. He happened to bring along his faithful rag-tag group of sexual deviants with him on this trip. First off he brought Ben Thietje. Yes we know that Ben is extremely funny and probably not gay, but he’ll do for the purposes as Todd’s dick hand… excuse me, I mean deck hand. Kelly Allen Wells, the smartest of the group, is backing up Todd as firstmate as I’m sure that no one else would understand the charts if harm fell to our heroine, Todd. Last we have Josh Mitchell. He was almost too lazy to appear as a character in this story, but I’m sure he will find a way to muddle through the story and do as little as possible without being eliminated from our tale. It seems that our crew has enjoyed the voyage for the past three weeks, but has gotten themselves into a bit of an ass sling situation. You see, despite their rugged good looks, I use that term liberally, and boyish charm none of these chuckle fucks remembered to bring food or water for a span that would last more than two days. So here they are three weeks into their trip, with nothing to eat and so the boys begin eyeing each other like each one of them is a pizza and they are drunken college students at four in the morning. That haven’t gotten laid. All year.

Todd appears on the poop deck. “Aye me harteys! I’ve come to the realization that we has no food or drink and are at this point begging for Poseidon’s mercy.”

Ben stops swabbing the deck to look around. “Hey! Have you guys noticed any girls watching me mop the deck or have I been doing all this with no chance of any hot snatch thinking I’m amazing at what I do?!”

Todd rifles back, “At attention you bilge rat! No one cares what you do around here because what you do is more worthless than what your dick is used for, and that’s nothing! Unless of course you’d like to come back to the captain’s chambers?”

“Oh fuckcicles no!” Ben screams and jumps back in horror.

Just at that moment Kelly Allen Wells peeks his head over from the side of the ship. It appears Kelly has been drinking the sea water and has gone mad and started hallucinating from the salt water he’s consumed.

“Fuckcicles?! Are those anything like fudgecicles, cause I am soooo hungry.” His mouth open and drooling Kelly’s question is taken seriously by the rest of the crew.

“Of course they’re much like fudgecicles Kelly… Just come back to my chambers and I’ll give you all the fuckcicles that you desire!” Todd is trying to hold his composure from such a blatent sexual reference, with hopes he might lure the mentally insane Wells into his homo-dungeon.

With quick reflexes Ben cries, “No Kelly, not before me! I mean… no Kelly, Todd wants to go to browntown on your ass.”

“Ahh… I get it. Trying to put me into a compromising situation, well Cathy will never let me do that! I’m staying true to the woman I am contractually obligated to,” Kelly exclaimed.

In the corner where the shade has found a place to hide, Josh Mitchell claps. Everyone looks away in disgust at his feeble attempt at being part of this story.

Pulling a large swashbuckling sword from his belt Todd points toward the horizon and says, “There is where we’ll find our food!” With furrowed brows, Kelly and Ben look at each other in a way that can only be explained as, ‘our friend is pathetic, but we must forge on because he’s got a huge gay bash (party, not a hate crime) to attend and we can’t see his little heart be broken.’

Do they:
A) Follow the horizon at Gay Todd’s request?
B) Pin Josh Mitchell down and carve him like a turkey for sustenance?
C) They all bust into an all male version of, “The Vagina Monologues: The Musical?”
Or
D) Todd demonstrates how a captain’s wheel can traditionally be used as a 12 sided dildo?

If you said pin Josh Mitchell down and carve him like a turkey for sustenance, then, you’re right!!
They hacked that ginger right up and ate him up so fast that Ben and Kelly almost got sick when they realized they ate one of their good friends. Ah, but it was some good eats and all were satisfied. When Todd said, “Boy, I never thought I’d really get the chance to say that I got to eat Josh Mitchell’s ass.” As the novelty had worn off from their cannabalistic ways Todd added, “I’m taking the leftovers back to my quarters.”
“Well, now that we’ve had a hearty meal I say we get a trollin’ towards my ass slamming event in Australia!” Todd shouted with glee.
They started trekking South for three more long days when they spotted something in the distance. At first the boys didn’t know what to make of it, but as they came closer it seemed that they noticed a large grey island or vessel that they were approaching. There seemed to be a wonderful melodic sound filling his ears as soon as this island came in sight and only became stronger as they closed distance on it. As they came closer Kelly put down Josh’s forearm he’d been chomping on as a mid-day snack and yelled back to Todd, who was fingering his ass with the barrel a cannon, “Captain, you better take a look at this!”
At that orgasmic moment Todd yelled back, “You better take a look at this! I’ve finally gotten the wick to the base of my anus! I’ve never felt power like this before!! BEHOLD, CAPTAIN ASS CANNON!!”
Kelly realizing that he was no longer hallucinating threw up on his shoes. He would later plead in his defense at the gay parade that he figured Josh’s meat had spoiled as not to lose face in front of the gays.
Finally the ship had hit land, or what they were to think was land and the wonderful musical styling’s were filling their ears with undeniable sounds of Michael Bolton. Amazed the men danced across the shores of this grey form until they saw a face coming out of the land.
“It is I!! Gus the mighty!! Did my song of steel bars wrapped all around you lead you to this place?” The voice bellowed.
Bashfully Todd stepped forward and pulling his captain’s hat from his brow yelled, “Yes, your manly she-crooning led us to this land of wonder where sand is but a distant memory!”
“Do you take requests?” Ben asked with a wink and a smile.
“Of course I do, am I not the sweetest voice you’ve heard without the aid of Karaoke?” Gus asked with a dissatisfied tone.
Kelly unaware what he’s doing stepped forward without thinking and said, “No sir, Mr., head attached to a random body of land, man… We have just traveled a long way and were hoping that you may have some delightful sounds to please our sea-weary ears.”
The smug Gus cooed back, “I suppose my large lungs, have another song in them. But first!,” Gus barked at them, “You must bring me a Malibu Diet and six Resse’s Peanut Buttercups.” As he said this tusks began to grow from under each end of Gus’s upper lips. “Then you must pick up my dry cleaning from the cleaners.” As he muttered these words his voice became squeaky and unbearable to listen to as whiskers drew from his face. “Then you must come over to meet my Mom and we’re going to have brunch and bloody marys!!” His shrill voice boomed across the vast empty sea.
Slowly backing up and raising his hat to put back on to his head Todd whispered back to the men, “I think we should leave…”
At that moment two enormous flippers had jettisoned from the ocean only to wrap themselves around our heroes and capturing them where they stand. They fought with no avail and after moments realized they had been tricked.
An angry Ben shouted, “You are one fucked up fat boy!”
Todd added his two cents and screamed, “Is this a way to treat new guests you big meanie?!!”
Finally Gus explained what was happening and why, “You see my luscious and firm boy toys, I’m a siren and I have lured you to my body posed as an island that I may capture you and keep you for my gay captures and make you dwell in the land of Gus forever!!”
Kelly used his superb intellect and asked, “How long can we survive on you without any food or water to keep us alive?”
“It doesn’t matter, I’m going to use you three as my anal servants for twelve hours and by the time I’m done with you I’ll have turned you inside out like a sock. And you probably will smell like one two. I’m into footplay.”
Todd started crying, and the other two joined in with the choir.
Should the boys:
A) Fuck Gus and try and turn his evil homo plan against him, wear him out and then use his jizz riddled corpse for food for the rest of the trip to Australia?
B) Collectively bite Gus in hopes that he’s not only into footplay but also S&M, possibly bondage and domination?
C) Shit themselves and hope for the best?
Or
D) Try and think of the biggest dump they’ve ever taken and pretend that it’s a wiggling, Michael Bolton singing turd, named Gus?

The answer is none of the above!! If you fuckers forgot that Captain Todd was getting man-slammed on a cannon then you should be given a Chili Dog, and not the ballpark treat, I mean the titty fucking, shit covered act of love. Captain Todd thought that when Gus had clapped his fins on them that he felt an uncomfortable lump in his innards and realized it was a spare cannonball that must’ve gotten lodged in his rectum. Now, remember that Todd taking all shapes and sized of cock, including animal species, has a pretty strong rectum and sphincter. Knowing this, Todd grabbed his petite ankles aimed his asshole as high up as it would shoot and took the head clean off of Gus’ body with one smooth, swift movement.
At this point Kelly and Ben started crying again now uncontrollably because they thought they’d never be saved from the ass raping island which was Gus. But somehow our fearless heroine happened to best that beast with just a cannonball and some quick thinking.
Now, with just four hours to make it to Australia and strut his stuff on the gay scene of one of the biggest gay pride parades in the world Todd had no choice but to whore out Ben and Kelly as rowing bitches. Though Ben and Kelly both protested Todd said that he was not afraid to suck a straight man’s dick in order to make his dream come true. Without a second from the words leaving Todd’s mouth and the threat of what might be heading in after the words left it, the two started paddling.
It seems with all their hard work and tireless paddling they had made it in time to celebrate the gay pride parade with Australia and the worlds finest. When they got to the dock the attendant asked for their docking manifest, passports, port documents and fees for having the USS Meatboat Erroneous to call this port home.
Ben became enraged and barged past the attendant yelling, “We don’t have time for this shit you fucktard!”
“Eat a dick Aussie, we need to get Todd to the gay pride parade and we don’t have a second to lose!,” Kelly chimed in.
Do they:
A) Apologize for their brash actions and tip the attendant and an exorbitant amount in order to get to the parade on time?
B) Use Captain Todd’s ass cannon as a deadly weapon one more time in the name of gay love?
C) Do horrible impressions while the men will try to win the favor of the attendant and eventually miss the parade because of the length of time it takes to win someone over with impressions, let alone horrible impressions of famous people?
Or
D) Slaughter and decapitate the attendant and use his head on a staff as the main flair for their theme when they arrive at the gay pride parade?
Yes, it seems to easy to answer, but slaughter and decapitate the attendant and use his grizzly bloody head as the thing that Todd will want people to notice most about them when they are marching down the street in the parade that most signifies anti-violence, love and brotherhood.
In a fun side note, Kelly and Ben having the time of their lives with the gratuitous violence and murder of three people along their travels and really gaying it up at the parade, decide they too are gay and lead a man pack of dudes back to the dock where they have a blood orgy in the attendant’s blood and all fall asleep in a big pile of blood/cum soaked gay men. Todd who couldn’t sleep sat on the end of the dock asking himself if possibly got any better than this moment in his life. He decided no and offed himself, falling on the pile to make him the final casualty to the Australian gay pride parade/massacre/orgy.

Kelly:

Empathetic response from the reader in regards to Todd Karner – 4. A good character, but rarely likeable.
Creativity in the creation of new characters – 3. I like what was done with Ben, myself and especially Josh, but I wouldn’t call us “New Characters,” per se. But we’re used funnily, so it’s all good.
Creativity of choices given at the end of each scenario – 5. I wasn’t expecting four on each of them, but it’s cool. They were often the funniest parts of this one.
Overall effectiveness of the CHOOSE YOUR OWN TODD-VENTURE – 3. It didn’t play out like an actual Choose Your Own Adventure. There was a right answer (usually), but no real write-up for the wrong answers. That’s too bad, because I was chuckling a lot throughout.
Effective use of a talking whale named ‘Gus’ – 3. He was funny, but again it seemed like he could’ve fit in more. Three isn’t a bad number. It’s just not great either.

Ben:

Empathetic response from the reader in regards to Todd Karner: 4 — making Todd the captain in the presence of myself & Kelly is absolute crazy town. it shoots you up to a 4.
Creativity in the creation of new characters: 2 — the characters were about as white-bread as they come. I mean, Kelly Wells..? that guy is a total douche.
Creativity of choices given at the end of each scenario: 3 — these were creative choices, but I have to say that there were too many choices. Choose Your Own Adventure books always only had 2 choices…and there was never a “correct choice”.
Overall effectiveness of the CHOOSE YOUR OWN TODD-VENTURE: 3 — this one was just a’ight for me, dog.
Effective use of a talking whale named ‘Gus’: 3 — Gus was there and he was doing stuff.
TOTAL SCORE: 33

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So, for those of you who haven’t torn out your eyes, your Immunity Winner is Rusty Greene. (But don’t follow that link!)

Now just two things remain. First: Rusty, choose which of the two people to eliminate. From there, Rusty and whomever’s left will be put in front of the jury—the last five to be eliminated in this game—to choose a winner.

Rusty, I’ll put up the jury thing as soon as you vote. If for some reason you haven’t voted by tomorrow morning, I’ll…I don’t know…probably bother you to vote again.

Cheers, Final Three, for an awesome game. Best or second-best ever.

Before we get started, for any and all who have become paranoid about what we’ve written (and it’s a fair point), please be aware that:

*these notes are only viewable by the fans of this page and
*I’ve changed the settings to reflect that only legal adults can come here.

I would’ve done that in the beginning, if I’d known it was possible.

Anyway, do you guys remember that funny hippie-guy that got eliminated around the middle of this game? I guess that only narrows the choices down to two. I’m talking about Chris Bell. He won the Create-A-Challenge waaaaay back in Week Two, and we are at the Final Challenge. Here’s what he wrote, with minor scoring changes by me.

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Choose Your Own Todd-Venture!

Everyone’s favorite, Todd Karner, is on his way to Sydney, Australia for the biggest gay pride festival in the world! But, uh-oh, poor Todd doesn’t know how to cross the big bad ocean. Help Todd navigate past scary Korean pirates, beautiful male sirens, a talking whale named ‘Gus’ and much more!!!

STEP ONE: CREATING THE TODD-VENTURE!
Each remaining player will create their own THREE STEP/THREE SCENARIO CHOOSE YOUR OWN TODD-VENTURE! Below is an example of a Step/Scenario:
Ex. Todd has just set sail for Sydney, Australia in his beautiful sail boat, The Royal Cock. The sun is shining bright and he’s lying on the deck while his Puerto Rican first mate, Alfonso, rubs tanning oil on his pale back. Just when they get 100 miles off the shore of sunny Los Angeles, a giant squid rips Alfonso from the boat and holds him high in the air. Should Todd:
A. Spray tanning oil in the lone eye of this sea beast.
or
B. Use the super human strength he’s gained from reading comic books and grapple with the monster for possession of his first mate.
* Note – for each step, there must be one answer which will lead to certain death and one answer which will push Todd forward. Also, the correct answer for the above was ‘spray tanning oil in the lone eye of the beast.’ Todd does not have super human strength and the beast would have killed him, raped his dead body and then devoured him.

STEP TWO: FINISHING YOUR TODD-VENTURE!
Your reader should be making three choices during the course of this story, with the final choice leading Todd into Sydney, Australia. The structure of the story is below:

STORY-CHOICE-STORY-CHOICE-STORY-CHOICE-SYDNEY!!!

STEP THREE: SUBMISSION
Once each remaining player has created their very own THREE STEP/THREE SCENARIO CHOOSE YOUR OWN TODD-VENTURE!, their work will be submitted to Kelly Wells along with the correct/wrong answers for each scenario.

SCORING GRID – All are scored on a 1-5 scale
Empathetic response from the reader in regards to Todd Karner
Creativity in the creation of new characters
Creativity of choices given at the end of each scenario
Overall effectiveness of the CHOOSE YOUR OWN TODD-VENTURE
Effective use of a talking whale named ‘Gus’

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So, there’s a total of 25 points to be handed out. Ben and I will each score all three, and the highest total points-getter will be Immune and choose which of the other two is eliminated. Immediately following that, the 7th, 6th, 5th, 4th and 3rd place finishers will be asked to pick which of the two remaining players deserves to win. And then, at long last, we’ll name the winner of this dirty little game.

One last time, these are due by Friday when I wake up. Obviously, if one person doesn’t submit anything, that’s good enough for an automatic elimination. If for some reason two of you don’t send anything, that’s automatic Immunity for the other person.

Alright. Last challenge. Bring it.

Your competition, and also you

HALL OF CHAMPIONS

SPOOKYMILK SURVIVOR

I: Rachel “The Double-Dealer” Flynn

II: Ryan “The Snake” Fossum

III: Patrick “The Gentleman” Kozicky

IV: Brienne “The Submitter” Maner

V: Rusty “The Porn Star” Greene

VI: Brooks “The Unlikely Hero” Maki

VII: William “The Soulful” Schuth

VIII: Brooks “The Survivor” Maki

IX: Zack “The Ice Cream Man” Sauvageau

X: Pete “The Vacuum Cleaner” Bruzek

Turbo: Brooks “The 1956-1979 Montreal Canadiens” Maki

XI: Matt “The Cold-Hearted Motherf*&^er” Novak

All-Stars (XII): Andy “The Quiet Man” Rustleund

XIII: Sarah “Clarence’s Hope” Bizek

XIV: Dan “The Professional” Kautz

XV: Christina “Assault And” Pepper

XVI: Matt “The First-Time Player” Novak

XVII: Stacy “Saintly Patience” Snell

XVIII: Brian “Checkmate” David

XIX: Annette “Eammon for the Top” Barron

XX: Daniel “Neville “Smash “Hardware” Hardwood” Longbottom” Caouette

XXI: Pete “The Comeback Kid” Bruzek

XXII: Dan “The Even More Professional” Kautz

XXIII: Melissa “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” David

XXIV: Stacy “Fucking” Snell

GODS AND MORTALS
I: Dragging Rivet’s Name Through the Mud One Last Time: Matt Novak (Ultragrandpa) and Michael Rivet (Friph Flipher-Fiph)
II: Bahambo Number 5: Pete “Triple Crown” Bruzek and Michelle “Single Tiara…So Far” Pratt

BIG BROTHER
I: Brooks “Oh, for the Love of God” Maki
II: Michael “#DDB” Rivet
III: Pete “Fortune’s Fool” Bruzek
IV: Erin “All Seven and We’ll Watch Them Fall” Leslie
V: Jake “Littlefinger” Elliott

FALL, CAESAR
2014: Brooks “The Creator” Maki
2015: Matt “The Artist” Novak
2016: Matt “Waited Them Out” Novak
2017: Annette “I Would’ve Voted for You” Barron

THE ROYAL RUMBLE
2013: #21 Greg “The Gallant Glutton of Greatness” Johnson
2014: #29 Jonathon “Big Papa” Pope
2015: #8 Christina “Am I in This?” Pepper
2016: #22 Annette “No Backs Stabbed” Barron
2017: #30 Bernice “The Vulture” Nicaise
2018: #17 Carrie “Solid Gold” Bard
2019: #16 Jake “The Jabroni” Elliott

PLAY WITH THE PROSE
(Writing, non-elimination)
I: Sarah “Centipede Face” Johnson
II: Sarah “The Johnson Eliminator” Wreisner
III: Colin “Lonely Old Moon” Woolston
IV: Melissa “Not Sidebar Material” Diamond
V: Sama “No Family Reunions” Smith
VI: Sarah “Tumor Face” Wreisner
VII: John “Cult Following” Wreisner
VIII: Joshua “Peed the Bed” Longman
VIII: Annette “Oh, Right, That’s Who Won” Barron

WEREWOLF (most recent)

Werewolf Stats Spreadsheet

PUZZLE CHALLENGE
I (Pure): Matthew “The Obsessor” Gilman
I (Power): Kelly “The Novak-Destroyer” Wells

DIPLOMACY
I: Matt “Exploiter of Worlds” Novak (France)

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