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Despite absolutely no demand whatsoever, I made a Sporcle Quiz containing all 112 players that have ever played the game.

Here it is.

I realize most of you won’t get a lot, but I made this for myself as much as anything. Have fun, y’all!

I never thought I’d share this openly, but I also never thought I’d be playing, and if I have this info then everyone should. Plus, it’s awesome.

Enjoy the history of the game.

Here ya go!

Well, if you were there, you already know. If you weren’t, go fuck yourself.

The following is what I read at Old Chicago to the players and well-wishers (there were many); after the line, you’ll find votes that were unnecessary and that crap.

—-

Well, we’ve arrived. This bear of a season started back in October, weathered two months of soul-crushing non-submissions, followed with some obvious alliances, and finally reached a point where it was interesting enough that people got angry about being eliminated. And that, really, is what I want out of this thing.

Anyway, the votes are cast, and we shall now find out who pulled down the title and will win the trophy, which admittedly never made it from Brienne to Rusty when Rusty won Survivor V.

…SHAWN ASHLEY

This is not going to be long, or eloquent. Frankly, my vote is cast for nibs. Because I DON’T want him to suck it.

Love that he raked in an immunity right when he needed it. That’s exactly what I did both last time I played and this time. Unfortunately, I didn’t do it enough! 🙂 Both men are talented writers so whoever it goes to, it’s deserved.

NIBBISH!!!!!!

…DAN KAUTZ

Going back through the season, I realized I personally graded out the two finalists exactly equally on challenge performance – they got the same total score from me pre-merge, and they each got one Immunity from me. So I can base this vote on my own opinion of their gameplay, which is how I’d like to be able to vote primarily anyway. They’re extremely close on that measure as well, clearly, since they were part of an alliance that controlled the entire game, and either one would be a deserving winner. For my vote, though, I thought one guy had himself in a slightly better position at the end, a position that would give him a better chance of making the finals no matter what happened with the last couple of challenges. The fact that he stepped up and took control of the end himself by winning the final challenge is icing on the cake.

My vote is for Peter Bruzek.

…MATT NOVAK

Wow. This is a tough call. I’ve thought long and hard about how both guys played the game, and they’re pretty even in my mind. I poured over their old entries, and judged them for myself. Honestly, they tied. I even flipped a coin, as part of that old trick where you see which side you want it to come up in that split-second before you actually look at it. I had no preference. I went back and reread entries. I asked questions of Beau and Pete (and interestingly, their answers about their favorite entries lined up almost exactly with my favorites of theirs), I flipped a coin a few more times.

I though the creative approach of Pete’s “Triumph or Tragedy” was brilliant. His “Half A Story” was better, and I loved his “Super Powers” and “Interrogation,” not to mention his “Cliffhanger” and that he paid off my story.

Beau’s “Machine of Death” entry was excellent, and he hit great emotional impact in his “Wishes” story. I really liked his part of our “Community Story”, I paid off his fantastic “Cliffhanger,” and his “Struggling with Decline” entry showed a great versatility and investment in his story.

In the end, it had to come down to the final challenge for me. I didn’t want it to rest on that, since obviously Beau took his shot at real life rewards instead of in-game rewards. But as equal as these two are, I have to take it into account. Pete’s story was excellent, and for as impossible a challenge as that was, I was amazed at his creativity. Thus…

My vote is for Pete Bruzek. Well done sir.

…KELLY WELLS

Alright, guys. This was hard, even though a couple of weeks ago I would never have guessed it was going to be this difficult.

At a point a few weeks ago, I would have guessed this was more heavily skewed in Beau’s favor, but the points were pretty close pre-merge, and since the merge, Beau’s had a couple of bad ones, and it’s all sort of evened out.

Both of you voted the same way all game long, and although I thought one of you had to flip to get here, particularly in a strong position, I was wrong. There’s not much to fall back on here, with such similar strategic games as well as similar success rates with writing, so I did rate the final challenge more heavily than I would have otherwise.

Pete, a couple of weeks ago, I basically told you on IM that you had absolutely no chance of getting my vote.

I was wrong.

The winner of Survivor X: Peter “The Vacuum Cleaner” Bruzek

Thus, one of the best players never to win can no longer be given that title, but Beau has gained it to take his place.

A little amazing history: Pete made nine votes, and all of them resulted in that person’s elimination. He was the first player, ever, who had to vote to eliminate every one of his teammates. He was on the best team ever assembled, and they were named after him. He never received a vote to be eliminated, and though nearly every juror said this was a tough decision, all seven of us voted in favor of Pete in the end. The sidebar has gone from nibbish and his Vogons to nibbish and his Vogon to, now, nibbish.

Because I talk to you two on IM more than probably any other player, I know how badly you wanted it, and that didn’t help my decision at all…but Pete, you may now suckle at the sweet teat of Spookymilk Survivor victory.

Suck it, nibbish.

Cheers, Survivor.

————————————————————————————–

…BROOKS MAKI

Pete. This is a ridiculously difficult decision. Pete won just as many challenges, won the biggest immunity in the game and had so many irons in the fire strategically that he was never in any danger of being eliminated. Incredibly well done to both survivors.

…JOHN WREISNER

I am gonna go with Pete on this- simply because I always root for the underdog, and his will potentially be a heartwarming, come-from-behind victory.

…COLIN WOOLSTON

For me the vote for Peter is obvious.
I don’t feel like Beau has taken the recent challenges as seriously as the rest of the players, and his tone has become more mocking than usual, which grates on me as a reader. I often feel insulted by Beau’s tone in general, and that translates to his writing regardless of how objective I try to be. One thing I learned early on as a performer and writer is that you can’t behave as though you are smarter than your audience or your audience will dismiss you.
Peter’s writing has been excellent, and I think he handled this entire competition well. Well done, Peter. You deserve the title.
Well done by both of you, for sure, but my vote goes to Peter.

Love,
Colin

It’s another word for “meeting.” It’s for a seedy meeting, though, which I suspect this will be.

Saturday. Old Chicago in Apple Valley. Probably around 6pm, and lasting a very long time.

The two finalists will both be there, and the votes for the winner will be read, live, by yours truly. You had better believe that this is the highlight in a Survivor career full of dorkiness.

Results will go up here the next morning.

I expect a lot of us to be there. nibbish, Beau, Wreisner, Stef, Sarah Johnson, Cory, freealonzo, Grey, Novak, Sean, AMR and others too numerous to remember have expressed varying degrees of likelihood to be there. You should be there too.

This is it, jury. Pete and Beau were each asked to write about why we should give them the honor of winning Spookymilk Survivor X. Both of them have sent along their words. Both of them went high concept with their “entries.” This makes me happy.

I’m asking for your winning votes by Saturday at noon Central. On Saturday night, we will be convening at a predetermined location – I’m thinking Old Chicago in Apple Valley – and the final “post” will be read live, with both finalists in attendance. This is a first, and my penis is literally exploding with excitement.

Please send a winning vote along with your reasoning (snarky or otherwise) so I can get a post together, print it out and read it when we all meet. If you don’t get it to me in a timely manner, I will bother the shit out of you until you do.

You can vote for someone for any reason you want, but please don’t make it a stupid reason. That’s my only direction.

Read the rest of this entry »

The victim already knows of his demise, so let’s not string this out.

Vote One and Only: Matt Novak. “I’m obviously voting out Matt. Part of me really wants to see him win what with the amazing season he just had, and part of me knows that I stand a very good chance against Beau”

Twenty-Second Elimination from Spookymilk Survivor X: Matt “The Prolific” Novak

Matt, this might be the best non-winning season ever for a writing season. Put your name next to DK’s and Geoff’s as one of the greatest players who hasn’t won.

I thought you were winning this. Really. This morning, I remarked on how it was almost boring because it was so…certain. Not bad. Just boring.

So, it’s on Beau and Pete to tell us why they should win. I’ll give them until Tuesday at noon to make their pitches, of 500 words or fewer. Then the jury will hand victory to one or the other.

For those who missed it below, Beau got engaged tonight. All of CdL celebrates! Even Matt!

Cheers, Survivors.

Alright, Survivors. Five months have come down to this.

As you might expect, concepts are high. Let’s see what you did with them.

Read the rest of this entry »

Remember Brooks Maki? I do, because I created this game solely in the hopes of watching him win it a lot. Sure, I didn’t meet him until sometime around the break between Survivors IV and V, but I always knew.

Anyway, he created this challenge during Create-a-Challenge week and – correct me if I’m wrong, Brooks – this is the third time a challenge of his was used for the final. That’s pretty badass.

But enough about that departed retard. Let’s talk about the challenge. It’s cut and pasted here with extremely minimal changes.

The problem with most stories is that one character always seems to have the upper hand. The story you write in this challenge will attempt to rectify that.

Inspired by the handicaps of Kurt Vonnegut’s classic short story, every 250 words (or fewer) the characters in your story must forget all the events that happened in that prior section. The ending of the story can be expanded a bit beyond the 250-word section limit (let’s say the final section can have up to 600 words) and need not conclude with a forgetting (although it certainly may). Events that occurred prior to the beginning of the story can be recalled after each forgetting (e.g., characters will remember their names).

The cause of the forgettings is up to the author, but the memory loss must be total and complete. The overall word limit for your story is 3000.* Of course, the longer the story, the more forgettings you have to include (two of them is the minimum requirement).

What I took from it this time – other than the fact that Brooks used parentheses like they were fucking going out of style – is that this one looks pretty damned hard. Put on your concept caps, people. It isn’t going to be easy to stand out when the concept’s so high already.

…but, of course, you’re all here for a reason.

Each judge will score each story from 1-5 on these things:

CHARACTER
CREATIVITY OF REASON FOR FORGETTINGS (not a word)
OVERALL STORY EFFECTIVENESS

So, the person with the highest score out of a possible 30 will be Immune. If two people are tied, their “Overall Story Effectiveness” scores will be compared. If they’re still tied, we’ll go to character, then the forgettings thing. If this thing still is somehow tied, then we’ll look back to overall head-to-head and then average score, and finally penis size. I can’t imagine even half of that will happen, but bases must be covered.

The Immunity winner will eliminate one of the other two people and then the remaining two will be asked to tell us why they should win. The jury – me, DK, Colin, Shawn, Brooks, John and one of y’all, will vote for who we think should win, and the longest game in the history of anything will be over.

Cheers, Survivors. Wow us one last time. Seriously. We’ll turn this car around and restart the game if you don’t.

Well, Survivors, what have you got for me? Lots of ways this could go, right?

Above all, I just want you to let me know that you had another majority vote. You did, yes?

Yes.

Vote One: John Wreisner. “It’s a tough, tough vote. He’s an amazing writer. Amazing. There’s really nothing more to say, since he’s just so damn good. Tough vote.”

Vote Two: Beau.

Vote Three: John Wreisner. “I doubt it’ll matter, but sorry for this, anyway.”

Vote Four: John Wreisner. “Your future wife is playing next game. If you win, she can’t do better than you. And that’s not how marriage works.”

Twenty-First Elimination from Spookymilk Survivor X: John “The Man-Goat” Wreisner

Well, what a long, strange trip it’s been for a first-time player who was dropped smack into the middle of a team full of guys who’ve all played a lot already, had already performed well, and who all knew one another. Despite all this, he made it to every challenge but the last one.

Nobody writes like John does. Nobody. I know this because 104 people have played this game. If he had won, I was going to make a list of some of his best and most gorgeously-constructed lines, but what would that have been but a straight cut-and-paste of every one of his challenge entries?

I don’t officially cheer for anyone, but I was cheering for John at the end, what with being on the outside of knowing people, and for the fact that I lost myself in his prose every week.

John, I already can’t wait until you play again.

As for you finalists, damn you all for ensuring that someone from the other site will win this game for the fifth time in a row. Jeez, leave some for other people. Anyway, Matt and Pete become the third and fourth people (after Brooks and Patrick K) to make the finals twice, while Beau missed it by just one elimination in Survivor VI. All three of these guys have been bridesmaids, but it’s almost time to name a bride.

I’ll put up the final challenge after I think people have properly processed the loss of John here.

Cheers, Survivors. Congratulations on making it to the finals of the longest season in the game’s history.

Here we are, Survivors; the penultimate (Brooks, I think of you any time I use this word now, thanks to your lunkhead professor) challenge results. It wasn’t your best week, but there’s still fun to be had.

Read the rest of this entry »

Your competition, and also you

HALL OF CHAMPIONS

SPOOKYMILK SURVIVOR

I: Rachel “The Double-Dealer” Flynn

II: Ryan “The Snake” Fossum

III: Patrick “The Gentleman” Kozicky

IV: Brienne “The Submitter” Maner

V: Rusty “The Porn Star” Greene

VI: Brooks “The Unlikely Hero” Maki

VII: William “The Soulful” Schuth

VIII: Brooks “The Survivor” Maki

IX: Zack “The Ice Cream Man” Sauvageau

X: Pete “The Vacuum Cleaner” Bruzek

Turbo: Brooks “The 1956-1979 Montreal Canadiens” Maki

XI: Matt “The Cold-Hearted Motherf*&^er” Novak

All-Stars (XII): Andy “The Quiet Man” Rustleund

XIII: Sarah “Clarence’s Hope” Bizek

XIV: Dan “The Professional” Kautz

XV: Christina “Assault And” Pepper

XVI: Matt “The First-Time Player” Novak

XVII: Stacy “Saintly Patience” Snell

XVIII: Brian “Checkmate” David

XIX: Annette “Eammon for the Top” Barron

XX: Daniel “Neville “Smash “Hardware” Hardwood” Longbottom” Caouette

XXI: Pete “The Comeback Kid” Bruzek

XXII: Dan “The Even More Professional” Kautz

XXIII: Melissa “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” David

XXIV: Stacy “Fucking” Snell

GODS AND MORTALS
I: Dragging Rivet’s Name Through the Mud One Last Time: Matt Novak (Ultragrandpa) and Michael Rivet (Friph Flipher-Fiph)
II: Bahambo Number 5: Pete “Triple Crown” Bruzek and Michelle “Single Tiara…So Far” Pratt

BIG BROTHER
I: Brooks “Oh, for the Love of God” Maki
II: Michael “#DDB” Rivet
III: Pete “Fortune’s Fool” Bruzek
IV: Erin “All Seven and We’ll Watch Them Fall” Leslie
V: Jake “Littlefinger” Elliott

FALL, CAESAR
2014: Brooks “The Creator” Maki
2015: Matt “The Artist” Novak
2016: Matt “Waited Them Out” Novak
2017: Annette “I Would’ve Voted for You” Barron

THE ROYAL RUMBLE
2013: #21 Greg “The Gallant Glutton of Greatness” Johnson
2014: #29 Jonathon “Big Papa” Pope
2015: #8 Christina “Am I in This?” Pepper
2016: #22 Annette “No Backs Stabbed” Barron
2017: #30 Bernice “The Vulture” Nicaise
2018: #17 Carrie “Solid Gold” Bard
2019: #16 Jake “The Jabroni” Elliott

PLAY WITH THE PROSE
(Writing, non-elimination)
I: Sarah “Centipede Face” Johnson
II: Sarah “The Johnson Eliminator” Wreisner
III: Colin “Lonely Old Moon” Woolston
IV: Melissa “Not Sidebar Material” Diamond
V: Sama “No Family Reunions” Smith
VI: Sarah “Tumor Face” Wreisner
VII: John “Cult Following” Wreisner
VIII: Joshua “Peed the Bed” Longman
VIII: Annette “Oh, Right, That’s Who Won” Barron

WEREWOLF (most recent)

Werewolf Stats Spreadsheet

PUZZLE CHALLENGE
I (Pure): Matthew “The Obsessor” Gilman
I (Power): Kelly “The Novak-Destroyer” Wells

DIPLOMACY
I: Matt “Exploiter of Worlds” Novak (France)

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