Another fun voting day! Here we go:

Uber raises his hand.

“Jesus, Uber! Not again!”

Uber stands and hands me an odd looking contraption.

“Hmmpf. This is the Suzanne Sommers Thigh Master and is, of course, an immunity idol.”

Any votes for Uber will not count.

Uber Lyft. I once made a joke about needing a ride to get a pack of smokes, but you didn’t get it. That was the moment I knew I’d have to vote you out one day. (Does not count)

Uber Lyft. (Does not count).

Uber Lyft. (Does not count).

Uber Lyft: Second time’s a charm? (Does not count).

Uber Lyft; gas prices are going up i cant afford you, i’ll just walk where i need to go thank you. (Does not count).

Oliver Caulfield.

Her Highness Hildegaard. Read the rest of this entry »


Okay then. Anyone got anything to say? No? Let’s proceed:

Vote Tayquan: Is he be TayqWon or will he be TayqLost? I guess we’ll find out!

Uber Lyft

Xander Xanax

Xander Xanax

Xander Xanax

Xander Xanax

Xander Xanax

Xander Xanax

Xander Xanax

Xander Xanax

Read the rest of this entry »

What a day, students! I appreciate your efforts to not make this another apathetic voting day. Let’s get to it, shall we?

Uber steps forward, “Umm, Dick?”

“Excuse me?!”

“I mean, Mr. Vernon, Sir?”

“What is it, Uber?”

Uber hands me the October 1985 issue of Muscle & Fitness with Silvester Stallone on the cover. Which is, of course, a hidden immunity idol.

Any votes for Uber will not count.

Uber Lyft

Uber Lyft

Vote Uber: Uber ist kein Übermensch

Uber Lyft

I once called an Uber Lyft. Two drivers showed up and got in a fight. It was super awkward. Now I just walk.

Uber Lyft

Uber Lyft

Read the rest of this entry »

First things first, POLLY FLAPPYHANDS, I will need a 1000 word essay on why it is inappropriate to post gifs of giraffes fellating fence posts in the cafeteria.

Okay, next . . . on to the vote:

Cherry Blossom

Hoyt Lozenge

Cherry Blossom

Second most apathetic vote . . . Hoyt Lozenge

Cherry Blossom

Hoyt Lozenge

Cherry Blossom – SOMEONE has to be voted out.

Hoyt Lozenge

Cherry Blossom

Hoyt Lozenge

Wow, five to five . . .

Read the rest of this entry »

That has to be the most lethargic and timid voting I have ever seen. Anyway, let’s get to it:

I vote Trashcan Jan – not this time, buddy.

Bumblebee Zephyr Jones

Throw Jan into the trashcan.

And for my most apathetic vote of the game so far… Trashcan Jan.

Trashcan Jan

Vote Trashcan Jan. You were the archnemesis I deserved, but not the archnemesis I need right now.

I’d like to vote Oscar’s can mate, Jan.

Trashcan Jan *shrugs*

Trashcan Jan

Trashcan Jan

Sadly, going to be casting my vote for Trashcan.

Trashcan Jan

Vote Trashcan Jan: I wanted your name so bad. So much lost potential! *gnashes teeth*

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m sure it’s Monday night somewhere and I’m bored with this break now, so let’s move along.


First things first . . . here’s a spreadsheet.

All good things begin thusly! This spreadsheet is strictly for copying. We will not be updating it.

We’re going to play a version of those memory match games we’ve all played.

There will be four moves. Each move will consist of you turning over ten cards. Your goal is to make matches, of course. Match the color AND number to make a match. You may make a match at any time by naming the two coordinates in your diary room, thus removing the cards from the board. Anyone who then turns that card position over will be out of luck and told it is gone.

You can share information or not. Wheel and deal or go it alone; whatever floats your boat.

At the end of four moves, the top two match getters (is that a word?) will have immunity, while the rest of you duke it out.

First move due Tuesday night at 9:00 p.m. Central.

The Criminals find themselves right back at tribal, so here we go:


Vicki  – I feel bad about this, I wanted it to be different.

Dudgie – My vote is for Dudgie. I just want to reiterate, I think you’re making a big mistake. You both are, but you especially. Fuck you both. Anyways, thanks for making the game fun! Peace out motherfuckers!

By a vote of two to one, SLICK VICKI becomes our fifteenth expulsion from Shermer High School. MICHELLE PRATT is a CDL veteran with a solid grasp on challenges and great enthusiasm for the game. We will miss watching her play!

Unlike island-based Survivor games, we have no buffs. So, um, DROP YOUR JACKETS – Letterman, Jordache Jean, Leather and Straight. That’s right, WE ARE MERGED BITCHES!


All chatting from this point hence shall be in the cafeteria. That means the Bleachers, the Quad, the Counseling Center and the Gym are now officially closed. Don’t let us catch you in there (and we will)!

Further, as my birthday is a national event and results in a three day weekend, we are taking a break. Next challenge will be posted Monday night with the first move due Tuesday night.

Congrats on making it this far! Let the madness commence.


Oh man, I couldn’t be sadder about this, but the Cursed Idol claims another victim.

After 16 days of perfect watchfulness, TAURINE POWERBERRY used the forbidden letter “R” and finds himself the fourteenth elimination. MATTHEW GILMAN is a formidable player and his version of a 1980s Athlete frequently made me snort out loud.

Cursed idols! DO. NOT. TAKE. THEM.

Carry on.

There seems to be a ton of bad blood over at the Criminals hangout, so I won’t belabor the point by waiting for a fourth vote:

Diamond Dave Duper –  And no. I’m not going to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. My mom is getting fucked by Taurine, and you’re fucking our team with your immaturity.

Diamond Dave Duper –

Haiku for you:

My vote is for Dave.
What a fucking dickhead move.
Be a jerk elsewhere.

Diamond Dave Duper – no comment. Too annoyed.

By a vote of 3 to 1 (presumably), DIAMOND DAVE DUPER is the thirteenth student released from detention. CATHERINE BEER is an old hat at online survivor and a formidable foe, but a newbie to this format. She found it not quite her bag of tea.

Read the rest of this entry »

We don’t actually have all the votes, but I’m fairly certain we never will have, so let’s do this:

Goose (self)

Goose – what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

Goose – because he played “duck, duck” so often.


Goose – it’s time for him to spread his wings and fly.

By a vote of five to zero, GARY “GOOSE” MURDOCK finds himself free of detention. JESSE VANCE was pretty engaged in this game up until about 12 days ago, at which time he apparently headed south for the summer … or something. Anyway, now we have perfect symmetry, which pleases my tiny little bit of OCD.

Read the rest of this entry »

Your competition, and also you



I: Rachel “The Double-Dealer” Flynn

II: Ryan “The Snake” Fossum

III: Patrick “The Gentleman” Kozicky

IV: Brienne “The Submitter” Maner

V: Rusty “The Porn Star” Greene

VI: Brooks “The Unlikely Hero” Maki

VII: William “The Soulful” Schuth

VIII: Brooks “The Survivor” Maki

IX: Zack “The Ice Cream Man” Sauvageau

X: Pete “The Vacuum Cleaner” Bruzek

Turbo: Brooks “The 1956-1979 Montreal Canadiens” Maki

XI: Matt “The Cold-Hearted Motherf*&^er” Novak

All-Stars (XII): Andy “The Quiet Man” Rustleund

XIII: Sarah “Clarence’s Hope” Bizek

XIV: Dan “The Professional” Kautz

XV: Christina “Assault And” Pepper

XVI: Matt “The First-Time Player” Novak

XVII: Stacy “Saintly Patience” Snell

XVIII: Brian “Checkmate” David

XIX: Annette “Eammon for the Top” Barron

XX: Daniel “Neville “Smash “Hardware” Hardwood” Longbottom” Caouette

XXI: Pete “The Comeback Kid” Bruzek

XXII: Dan “The Even More Professional” Kautz

XXIII: Melissa “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” David

XXIV: All-Female All-Star Game, Coming Soon

I: Dragging Rivet’s Name Through the Mud One Last Time: Matt Novak (Ultragrandpa) and Michael Rivet (Friph Flipher-Fiph)
II: Bahambo Number 5: Pete “Triple Crown” Bruzek and Michelle “Single Tiara…So Far” Pratt

I: Brooks “Oh, for the Love of God” Maki
II: Michael “#DDB” Rivet
III: Pete “Fortune’s Fool” Bruzek
IV: Erin “All Seven and We’ll Watch Them Fall” Leslie
V: Jake “Littlefinger” Elliott

2014: Brooks “The Creator” Maki
2015: Matt “The Artist” Novak
2016: Matt “Waited Them Out” Novak
2017: Annette “I Would’ve Voted for You” Barron

2013: #21 Greg “The Gallant Glutton of Greatness” Johnson
2014: #29 Jonathon “Big Papa” Pope
2015: #8 Christina “Am I in This?” Pepper
2016: #22 Annette “No Backs Stabbed” Barron
2017: #30 Bernice “The Vulture” Nicaise
2018: #17 Carrie “Solid Gold” Bard

(Writing, non-elimination)
I: Sarah “Centipede Face” Johnson
II: Sarah “The Johnson Eliminator” Wreisner
III: Colin “Lonely Old Moon” Woolston
IV: Melissa “Not Sidebar Material” Diamond
V: Sama “No Family Reunions” Smith
VI: Sarah “Tumor Face” Wreisner
VII: John “Cult Following” Wreisner
VIII: Joshua “Peed the Bed” Longman
VIII: Annette “Oh, Right, That’s Who Won” Barron

WEREWOLF (most recent)

Werewolf Stats Spreadsheet

I (Pure): Matthew “The Obsessor” Gilman
I (Power): Kelly “The Novak-Destroyer” Wells

I: Matt “Exploiter of Worlds” Novak (France)


Sixteen women to be named soon.

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