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We have a slate of just six contenders for this strange optional challenge. I thought we’d have more, but even those who showed up admitted they had a tough time with this one.

There’s some fun to be had, though. Enjoy:

Matt Novak, nibbish and his Vogons

Dear Dolph –

Though I fear I write this letter some fifty-odd years too late, I want to express the sincere moral outrage that I have developed for your most hated and vile studio. You have produced a terrible, frightening, immoral film. Women wearing practically no clothing! Quick and dirty romances driven by ulterior motives! The deception of revered military personnel! Cruel bosses forcing people to work through the holiday! Two “confirmed bachelors” living in close proximity and cross dressing! Cross dressing, I say! Have you no shame?

Would that I could end my complaints with the above litany, but I haven’t even touched on the most grievous offense: the very plot itself. Two godless, Hollywood-types evade a local sheriff and, driven by greed and personal indulgence, use the Christmas holiday as cover to travel to a border state for a gigantic shipment of cocaine. The “protagonists” hook up with a pair of sisters, forming a quartet of coke-fiends who sing the praises of the white powder. Literally. It is a black mark on production companies everywhere that your studio would green-light an actual song about cocaine (“snow” in drug slang). And though I don’t quite know what they mean by being “covered with a quilt of snow,” or “snowball throwing,” it is clear from the anatomical and bedroom references, that these are some sort of sick, drug-fueled sex games. Truly offensive.

When the foursome reach their destination, the shipment hasn’t yet arrived and they’re forced to kill time, which they do by carousing with an old buddy they met in Europe (AKA, causal-drug-use-central) and cheap floozies, many of whom they’re paying to be there. They spend the rest of the film doing anything they can for a general, waverly feeling, until finally the drugs arrive. Of course, when the white powder finally gets there, the characters descend once more into an awful song that praises the high that the drugs produce, specifically the “dreaming” feeling that the characters achieve.

To be perfectly frank, I wish I could forget the horrors bestowed upon me by White Christmas, but you chose to make your movie in “unforgettable VISTAVISION,” and as such, no amount of therapy will be able to scrub the film from my mind. You, Dolph Robertson, should be personally ashamed. After all, you authorized a movie that was very rude, Dolph. Very rude indeed.

Sincerely,

Trey Parker

K: Ooh, good start. The tone is believable, and hey, I just saw this movie a few days ago. It’s hollow as hell, but fun enough. Note: I love Vera Ellen. Note 2: I HATE HATE HATE that Vera Ellen keeps on looking at the fucking camera in that movie. Why did all those shots stay in? That’s acting 101 stuff there. I think I’ve lost my way with this commentary, though.

DK: I like this one, although the snow thing gets stretched a little bit, and the revelation of the writer doesn’t do much for me, but it’s a good concept for this challenge. There’s enough good effort here that I almost wanted to pick this, but there was another that I enjoyed a little more.

Will Young, I’m With Stupid

Dear Colonial Penn Life Insurance,

My family and I were disappointed that your company advertised during The Dick Van Dyke Show on TV Land.

The Dick Van Dyke Show was a show about the many perversions of a television writer, his wife, and co-workers. As you well know, television and movie writers are the most depraved individuals in society. It is stunning that you are willing to let your company be associated with type of people who dragged everyone to “Melrose Place” and forced people to follow the life of “Murphy Brown.”

Episodes with titles like “Pink Pills and Purple Parents” and “My Part-Time Wife” hint at the disgusting array of content that is irresponsibly aired on an unrestricted television channel that any child can watch. These episodes encourage drug use, infidelity, and anti-authority feelings that have helped pull this country into the muck during the past fifty years.

Even worse, some episodes of The Dick Van Dyke Show featured Carl Reiner as Alan Brady, the host of a popular variety show. Unlike Ed Sullivan, who had the gumption and fortitude to stand up to both Elvis Presley and Jim Morrison, Carl Reiner has helped subvert Christianity during his life with movies such as “Oh, God!” and is not only obviously Jewish, but is also a noted atheist. Even during the last decade, Reiner has shown a willingness to glofify violations of the Ten Commandments as he portrayed an elderly con-man seeking revenge and money.

Will your company continue to support The Dick Van Dyke Show with advertising dollars?

I look forward to sharing your response with family and friends.

K: Okay, I love this line: “is not only obviously Jewish, but is also a noted atheist.” This author makes me want to punch myself in the face, so it’s obviously effective. These first two are already giving me a tough time.

DK: I’m pleased to see someone use this challenge for a reference to the Lowe’s kerfluffle (at least, that’s what this invokes for me).

Beau, nibbish and his Vogons

With the help of his friend with Asperger’s, an embattled young man wrestles with the potential consequences of an incestual relationship with his mother, all while using his guitar to make a difference in the world around him.
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Back to the Future

K: I guessed this one…not that it was tough, considering my affection for the film. I really like the attack the first two took on this challenge, though.

DK: I’d like to see the letter that could go with this description, because that’s a really good initial interpretation of the movie for the kind of confused angry letter I’d be looking for.

Peter Bruzek, nibbish and his Vogons

Dear Roberto Lomas, care of MovieMax Video Rental,

I visited your establishment last Thursday and requested assistance from the young gentleman working at the till. I told him that my young niece and nephew were coming by for a visit and that I needed to find a film suitable for a young audience. The clerk suggested a new release called Bambi, and I thanked him and took it home. When I got home with the movie, I took a closer look at what I had rented.

I don’t mind telling you, Mr. Lomas, that though I have never conceived any darling children of my own, I am a charter member of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. So naturally, I find the very implication that hunters drove away from their campsite while drunk to be very upsetting. From what I hear, none of the devil elixir is ever actually shown onscreen, but the fact remains that these men not only shot and killed a talking deer, but then wantonly burned the forest that housed such a delightful creature.

It may be true that I did not actually view the movie, but I made sure my brother Ronald did a bit of research on the internet before I would allow his children to view what I now know to be a despicable piece of propaganda. I find it abhorrent that you would risk showing movies of this type to such impressionable minds. Therefore, I demand a refund, and will not be frequenting your business in the future.

Signed,
Dorline Persephone Woolsworth

K: Nice enough, but it broke its secret early, and didn’t have any super-memorable lines to make up for it, unfortunately.

DK: Another pretty good target, although giving away the movie at the beginning probably blunted the impact somewhat for me, and the mistaken belief at the center of the anger here is tougher to buy into than some of the others.

David Larson, SPOILER ALERT!

Dear Timmy:

I am so proud of you for being selected for the exchange program! I know you will enjoy your three months away from home. My goodness, I was 28 before I left the country, and that was just to Winnipeg – you’re only 17 and going all the way to Thailand!

I didn’t want my favorite great nephew to go without a gift, so I looked to see if that nice Rick Steves from the PBS made a video for visiting Bangkok, but the store did not have one. I did find one by someone else, though I’m not sure who Emanuelle is, but she had a lot of videos so she apparently gets around. Anyway, the helpful man at the video store was sure that you’d learn a lot from it.

I’ve also sent a book of stamps, so you can write to me often. Take care, and fly as fast as the plane!

Love and kisses,
Aunt Ella

K: The sweet, familial tone here really drives the gag home. Is there really one with the word “Bangkok” in the title? Subtle!

DK: I laughed a lot at this one. I probably like it so much in part because it’s the only one that goes for a praise angle, but the naivete is both believable and hilarious, and it doesn’t drag out too much either.

Colin Woolston, SPOILER ALERT!

War hero attempts to fill father figure role in the life of a boy who lost his father in the same war, against the wishes of the mother.

Terminator.

K: Like the BTTF one, it’s great and all, but the presentation of the others was too strong.

DK: I think this description would be a little harder to write a good angry letter for than the Back to the Future one. I wonder if there’s another way to spin Terminator that could invoke more immediate outrage.

—–

DK says: It’s probably clear, but I’d give immunity to #5.

K: Alright, #1, #2 and #5 all made me smile or better, but the Jewish/atheist line in #2 gets the nod from me.

Will Young is Immune the next time I’m With Stupid doesn’t win Immunity, and David Larson is Immune the next time SPOILER ALERT! does. If that doesn’t happen before the merge, they’ll use it the first time they don’t win Immunity after that.

This result could really change things, dudes. Most interesting.

Now everyone show up for the next challenge, a’ight? A’ight then.

Cheers, Survivors.

Alright, Survivors. Your last optional challenge leans a little more on the conceptual side, hence I won’t use it for a regular challenge.

Here’s an idea for a movie:

A saucy redhead who wears nothing below the belt chases after a seaman while a jealous busty wench attempts to break them up.

Some biddy would write an angry letter to Disney about that, right? Unfortunately for the biddy, this is the plot of The Little Mermaid, at which she would likely take no umbrage.

So, write an angry letter about a movie plot someone may have heard the wrong things about, or write a letter of praise for a movie that this biddy might not actually approve of. I ask that you include the title of the movie in case it’s tough to pick up – I don’t want your brilliance to go unappreciated – but I’d suggest leaving it at the end to maximize the punch of the reveal, if it isn’t obvious already.

DK and I will each pick a favorite, and a solo Immunity will be granted for the person the next time the team loses (if this time never comes, it’ll carry over post-merge). If we choose the same one, only one solo Immunity will be granted.

You have until next Tuesday the 27th at 6pm Central. Since there will be no voting, it would be pretty stupid to make it due on Christmas night. After that, expect no more optional challenges.

Cheers, Survivors.

Your competition, and also you

HALL OF CHAMPIONS

SPOOKYMILK SURVIVOR

I: Rachel “The Double-Dealer” Flynn

II: Ryan “The Snake” Fossum

III: Patrick “The Gentleman” Kozicky

IV: Brienne “The Submitter” Maner

V: Rusty “The Porn Star” Greene

VI: Brooks “The Unlikely Hero” Maki

VII: William “The Soulful” Schuth

VIII: Brooks “The Survivor” Maki

IX: Zack “The Ice Cream Man” Sauvageau

X: Pete “The Vacuum Cleaner” Bruzek

Turbo: Brooks “The 1956-1979 Montreal Canadiens” Maki

XI: Matt “The Cold-Hearted Motherf*&^er” Novak

All-Stars (XII): Andy “The Quiet Man” Rustleund

XIII: Sarah “Clarence’s Hope” Bizek

XIV: Dan “The Professional” Kautz

XV: Christina “Assault And” Pepper

XVI: Matt “The First-Time Player” Novak

XVII: Stacy “Saintly Patience” Snell

XVIII: Brian “Checkmate” David

XIX: Annette “Eammon for the Top” Barron

XX: Daniel “Neville “Smash “Hardware” Hardwood” Longbottom” Caouette

XXI: Pete “The Comeback Kid” Bruzek

XXII: Dan “The Even More Professional” Kautz

XXIII: Melissa “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” David

XXIV: Stacy “Fucking” Snell

GODS AND MORTALS
I: Dragging Rivet’s Name Through the Mud One Last Time: Matt Novak (Ultragrandpa) and Michael Rivet (Friph Flipher-Fiph)
II: Bahambo Number 5: Pete “Triple Crown” Bruzek and Michelle “Single Tiara…So Far” Pratt

BIG BROTHER
I: Brooks “Oh, for the Love of God” Maki
II: Michael “#DDB” Rivet
III: Pete “Fortune’s Fool” Bruzek
IV: Erin “All Seven and We’ll Watch Them Fall” Leslie
V: Jake “Littlefinger” Elliott

FALL, CAESAR
2014: Brooks “The Creator” Maki
2015: Matt “The Artist” Novak
2016: Matt “Waited Them Out” Novak
2017: Annette “I Would’ve Voted for You” Barron

THE ROYAL RUMBLE
2013: #21 Greg “The Gallant Glutton of Greatness” Johnson
2014: #29 Jonathon “Big Papa” Pope
2015: #8 Christina “Am I in This?” Pepper
2016: #22 Annette “No Backs Stabbed” Barron
2017: #30 Bernice “The Vulture” Nicaise
2018: #17 Carrie “Solid Gold” Bard
2019: #16 Jake “The Jabroni” Elliott

PLAY WITH THE PROSE
(Writing, non-elimination)
I: Sarah “Centipede Face” Johnson
II: Sarah “The Johnson Eliminator” Wreisner
III: Colin “Lonely Old Moon” Woolston
IV: Melissa “Not Sidebar Material” Diamond
V: Sama “No Family Reunions” Smith
VI: Sarah “Tumor Face” Wreisner
VII: John “Cult Following” Wreisner
VIII: Joshua “Peed the Bed” Longman
VIII: Annette “Oh, Right, That’s Who Won” Barron

WEREWOLF (most recent)

Werewolf Stats Spreadsheet

PUZZLE CHALLENGE
I (Pure): Matthew “The Obsessor” Gilman
I (Power): Kelly “The Novak-Destroyer” Wells

DIPLOMACY
I: Matt “Exploiter of Worlds” Novak (France)

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