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God, I love this challenge.

Before each answer on the document, the letter displays which team provided it. Our initials are given after each response to which we gave a point. Is it readable? I hope so, because I’m done looking at it.

Click the above link to read all responses. Click below to see the final scores and find out if you’re voting.

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Nonsub eliminations, woooooooooooooooo

Vote One: Raymond Camper (nonsub vote).

Vote Two: Raymond. “A pithy voting comment cannot convey the depths of my disappointment.”
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Funny stuff, jokenheimers. Here are your results, which should be easy enough to read.

The name of the team that has to vote out a member is at the bottom, if you’re impatient.

For the team that has to vote someone out, keep in mind you’ll be doing so by tomorrow. Cheers, Survivors.

Well hey there, Survivors! Welcome to Twenty Questions, a perennial challenge that’s always (a) a favorite and (b) a source of much hand-wringing among teammates. Get along, now!

For this challenge, your team will field twenty questions. There are not twenty, and not all of them are questions. For each of the items on the list, your team is to come up with just one response. So, work together all you want to figure out which answers are best. When a consensus is reached on all of them, just one person will send me the master list, at which point I will only accept a list override from that person.

On each of the questions, DK, Matthew and I will each give one point to our favorite response, for a total of 45 points (since there are fifteen not-necessarily-questions).

While I won’t be forcing multiple eliminations, it’ll work this way: any team with eight or fewer points will eliminate a member. If there are none, then the team with the fewest points will eliminate someone. If there are none and it’s a tie, then all teams tied at the bottom will eliminate someone.

There will be no solo nonsubs, so if someone doesn’t help and you lose, it’s up to you to hold him accountable. Of course, if an entire team nonsubs their list (one year, two of the four teams did this. Really), then those teams will eliminate someone, but all players will be allowed to vote.

The “twenty” “questions” are after the jump.
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Funny, funny stuff, Survivors. I expected no less.

Your results document is right here.

As I state there, the losing team has until Sunday night at 9pm Central to make their vote. Am I going to tell you who that was here? Nope, you’ve gotta read the answers. But I’ll recap the questions here for easy reference:

1. Supply the title of a Lifetime biopic about Todd Karner.
2. Give me the name of the next William Shatner album.
3. Explain the phenomenon of David Hasselhoff to a six-year-old.
4. Give me the name for Tabasco-flavored Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
5. What’s your sign?
6. A brick was hurled through your dining room window. Attached is a note. What does it say?
7. Kill a room full of corporate upper management in a gruesome but poetic way.
8. Tori Spelling is being given a new political roundtable show (not really – don’t freak out). Name it.
9. Announce a Spookymilk Survivor elimination as if you were a town crier in Ancient Greece.
10. Write an embarrassing teenage love poem in fewer than 100 words.
11. Have some balls, dammit.
12. If someone gave you a gold medal, what’s the worst thing that could possibly be engraved on it?
13. Write a simple, four-component syllogism. It can be about anything.
14. Pitch a Spookymilk Survivor challenge that would almost certainly produce totally offensive entries.
15. Give me the name of an Disneyland attraction made up of animatronic versions of the Rolling Stones.
16. A wailing, homeless vagrant passes you on the street. What does he shout?
17. Give me the basic outline of the worst horror movie of all time.

Cheers, Survivors.

Alright, Porpoises. Have you made a decision?

Vote One: Colin Woolston.

Vote Two: Rusty Greene. “I’m totally flattered that Rusty feels I am enough of a threat to stab me in the back this early on. It’s been a blast, everyone!”
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Alright!  You know what I like about this one, Survivors?  The results page is super easy to put together (doing the challenge was considerably more time-consuming).  So, let’s see who’s immune, eh?  All I’m giving you is the answer and each person’s total number of guesses.  If you want more info, well, you can wait until the end (or bother other players, I suppose). Read the rest of this entry »

Hey, Survivors and Survivorettes. I love this challenge! For one, so much funny in such a small space. For another, there’s no way anyone would non-submit, right? Hell, when I announced that there would be five extra hours, there were only two who hadn’t submitted yet. So in the end…well, there were still two. Sigh.

Below, here’s who gave each answer:

a. Geoff Beckstrom, ST
b. Dana Hazen, ST
c. Rachel Dwyer, UJ
d. Peter Bruzek, UJ
e. Colin Woolston, UJ
f. Sarah Bizek, UJ
g. Will Young, ST
h. Zillah Glory, ST
i. Zack Sauvageau ST
j. JG Berwald, ST
k. Bret Highum, UJ
l. Josh Mitchell, ST
m. Andy Rustleund, ST

You’ll notice that, annoyingly, Beau and I did these differently. I put my comments right after the ones I gave points, and his just have an initial and his comments are at the bottom of each question. We do these in separate documents, I cut and paste…sorry.

1. What’s the worst way to die?

a. In a car accident returning from the bank where you just took out a second mortgage to pay for your cancer treatment.
b. Suffocated by a pile of powder puff football playing nuns.
c. Admittedly, this is from a “Darwin Award” I read at least ten years ago, but I can honestly say it beats anything I could possibly imagine as the worst way to die. A man was asphyxiated while giving an enema to an elephant that was given massive doses of laxatives.
d. About to score with the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen, you begin to shit yourself uncontrollably and fall into a coma, where you remain for the next 40 years, forced to unconsciously relive your final moments for all time. (B)
e. Apparently being slowly digested over a thousand years in the stomach of a Sarlacc, if you believe Jabba. The digested part is bad, but in order to stay alive for 1000 years, you’d need some sort of sustenance, so, uh, you’d be eating Sarlacc digestive juices and other people/creatures that were being digested as well. It would be a slimy, painful struggle to live out those 1000 years, all the while fending off starving wookies. K: I had to ignore some that I really liked to give the point to this one. You painted a too-vivid picture, Survivor. Well done.
f. Toothpicks forcing your eyes open so you have to watch an advanced-stage syphilitic whore eating out the rotting asshole of Cauliflower-Genital-Warts guy. Did I mention that right before he splooges his AIDS-infested hot beef injection on your horror-stricken face, 72 small incisions are made on the cornea of each eye? Oh the humanity. K: Jesus.
g. Drinking too much boiling water in a misguided attempt to whistle (B)
h. Being handed a fork and told that the only way to end the pain of having my hair and skull being meticulously picked apart with tweezers heated to iron-hot is to eat my guts in a race to the finish.
i. It’s basically a tie for every single way that results in you ending up dead with your genitals in your hand.
j. Crash-landing on a desert island the day before the “Lost” finale.
k. French.
l. Getting your head stuck in a diaper genie, suffocating in a plastic bag of dirty diapers.
m. You’ve just nestled into bed with the love of your life, your best friend, the mother of your children. You feel her move in close behind you. “I never loved you,” she whispers as the knife slides silently in.

B: “the worst” is quite subjective. Does it mean painful? Sad? Ironic? I don’t know, so I just went with the two that tickled my funny bone the most. Shitting one’s self into a coma is one I’ve never heard of.

2. The ‘80s hair metal bands are having a fight to the death. Who wins, and why?

a. MTV wins hands down. The live event is a ratings bonanza, and it spawns the next great reality series providing enough programming to finally get “Real World” off the air.
b. Kiss – because they need to win at least once in life.
c. Kiss because they are the only band in the top ten hair bands without an effeminate blond straight out of a Vidal Sassoon commercial.
d. Noted apothecary Brett Michaels puts his skills to good use and envenomates the alcohol and drug supply at the reunion tour. Everyone dies, but in a tragic twist, Brett then succumbs to his own plot, as he is unable to turn down alcohol, even if he knows that it is laced with cyanide. K: Somewhat ordinary, until the awesome twist.//(B)
e. At the final event in the Kewadin Casino, MI, Deep Purple was ahead towards the final rounds, with Ian Gillan using his signature “smoke this on the water” shoulder drop liberally and with fierce tenacity, with Firehouse a close second strictly due to the Drummer Michael Foster’s patented Bludgeon of a Lifetime hammer fist dealing it’s near fatal blows with a speed and accuracy labeled “one of the best” by Andy Pemberton (SPIN). Thankfully, at least for the honor of decent music, Def Leppard (almost disqualified due to Jann Wenner (Rolling Stone) arguing their style more akin to rock/metal than the strictly defined “hair band”) came through in the last 2 minutes of the battle with lead guitarist Phil Collen beheading nearly every opponent in sight with his “Love Bites” triple off-the-cage-top neck chomp. Though by far the bloodiest of the Battle of the Bands, this is the most poetically just finale I have seen yet. (B)
f. Slash. Need I say more?
g. Whichever band Tawny Kitean is currently shacking up with
h. Queen, obviously. What’s his name, illegally exhumed, is brought back by his aged bandmates to a time-warped reunion concert in a voodoo-psych-coup and – once attached with duck-tape and fishing line to the mic – still manages, with only the wind blowing through those old bones, to out-wail the rest of the roster! Only Bruce Dickinson, who did the best Aces High EVER, could step up but he doesn’t. You know why? Because his idiot band let go of his vocal gold, so instead he’s the guy arranging a Carrie-style blood dump to take place mid-the-final number that’s supposed to guarantee next year’s paycheck, only, get this, he’s released the kind of tissue-eating madness you can read about in Crichton’s Hot Zone into the gelatinous mess – isn’t that sick as shit? – and stands there applauding the clacking bones of what’s-his-nuts long after the last gory limb has given up the ghost. K: I should be annoyed by how long this one is, but I reaaaaally like the nudge-nudge voice of the narrator here. I giggled throughout.
i. I’d say I am the winner here since if these bands managed to kill each other there would likely be a lot less hair metal shows in Fargo every summer for me to hear “awesome” drunken stories about.
j. Dude, Stryper! How is that even up for debate? Who beats the Yellow and Black ATTACK?
k. Killer Dwarfs. They’re dwarfs, they’re killers, they’re Canadian!
l. Journey would break any chains that bind them, using the wheel in the sky as a torture device forcing their victims to choose death any way they want it or pledge allegiance to the great and mighty Sherrie.
m. With names like Queen Vixen, She-Fire of Ice, Honey One Percenter and Venus Penis Crusher, I have to give it to Cycle Sluts from Hell.

B: When it comes to hair bands, I think over the top descriptions of the actual deaths is the way to go. I almost picked H as well.

3. The Wiggles are on tour, and their opening act is 50 Cent. Name the tour.

a. Two Quarters and Four Queers.
b. The Curved Bullet Tour (B)
c. Go Shorties Its Your Birthday Tour K: Cripes, that’s perfect.
d. The “Repent For the End Is Nigh” tour.
e. “The Hot Poppin’ Caps Tour: Fruit Salad Out of Control!”
f. Five Dime Bags for the Wiggle’s Big Birthday Bash!
g. Shake Your Moneymaker K: YES! I like a LOT of these, but the two that I picked work way, way better than any name should.
h. Prostitutes On Ice, underwritten by the sickos at Disney.
i. The Wiggles & 46.6 Cent (AUD) World Tour sponsored by Vitamin Water.
j. The “Two Thing You Wish You Could Forget About Grade School” tour
k. Get Potty-Trained or Die Tryin’
l. Too Much Boom for the Wiggle Room (B)
m. Get Ready to Wiggle or Die Tryin’
B: These two just sounded like actual tour names. and L made me giggle

4. If you had been the second person to walk on the moon, what would you have said?

a. “Hey – wait up!”
b. First! K: This bit of internet humor made me laugh harder than I care to admit.
c. “Crap! Did I leave the oven on?”
d. So help me, if there are any Transformers sequels up here…
e. I should have taken the freeway. I always get lost on the side roads. Dammit.
f. “That’s it?” Coincidentally, also what I said when I had a penis in me for the first time. Poor guy.
g. Mission Control, I’m going to kick some “moon rocks” on top of this line of gaffing tape you
forgot to hide last night after our final walk through. Keep the camera on Neil for the next twenty
seconds. K: Conspiracy!!!//(B)
h. “Dude, I was kidding, it’s impossible to impregnate females by feeding them dried jizz, for god’s sake; calm the fuck down.” (B)
i. “Neil Armstrong is a spotlight stealing son of a bitch.”
j. “He meant ‘One small step for A man!’ Learn English, Neil.”
k. “We will rule over all this land, and we will call it… ‘This Land’.” (Stolen from Serenity, but hey, I was the second person on the moon so that means I said it 35 years earlier, right?)
l. The view’s alright, but the location sucks!
m. “Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of–” At this point I would purposefully catch my foot on the ladder and execute the world’s first low-gravity pratfall. First!

B: Transformers made me smile, as did “first!” though the two kind of cancel each other out. I have no idea what the hell H has to do with he moon, but every time I look at it I laugh like I’m 14 again. And then I picture Buzz Aldrin saying it and I laugh some more.

5. You’ve decided to get back to someone who wronged you by putting them in your will. What do you leave them?

a. My off shore bank account with 100 Million Zimbabwean Dollars
b. All the used cat litter I have saved for them from the last 3 years.
c. My student loan debt
d. “To [name redacted], I return two lengths of rubber tubing, a blindfold, two gallons of gasoline and a shovel. I do not know why you were so insistent on having me store them all these years ago, but you may have them back.” K: Yes, you sick bastard, that would do it.//(B)
e. My asshole cat.
f. A kidney stone with a fresh blood clot stuck to it. Wrapped in pruscuitto.
g. I would leave them half of my net worth as long as my five-year old pet parrot, the one trained
to sing “It’s a Small World After All” on constant repeat, stays in their bedroom every night for the next twenty-five years. With every day the parrot does not stay in the bedroom or if my nemesis is on vacation and not sleeping in that room, then the twenty-five years increases a day. K: In many ways, this is the cruelest of all of these.
h. Dear (in whatever order you prefer) “Pisser,” “Bitch,” “Fuckface,” “Jacknuts,” and “Waste of my life:”

It is with great pleasure that I contemplate your receipt of this will upon my death. In the years since I left you (the doctors tell me I have 5-10 left, which gives you a total of, oh, what, 3 to 8 to go?) I’ll have fucked everyone who wants to sugar mama-or-daddy my ass and infected them with your creepy crawly STD! It was easy to take your identity info and start your new life for you, I mean, we originally hooked up because we got offon the fact that everyone thought we were fraternal twins, right? I’ve already made headway; you’re gonna be so proud. You ready for this? Hey Stan, if you’re the one reading this out loud before you burn it, look up at her and register her face for me, will you? Okay, now look back down. Say “dunh-da-dunh,” only do it for real so you have my permission to put this down for a second and act out the piano chords with it, okay? Ready? “Dunh-da-duhnnnn, I’m pregnant!” Stan, is it priceless? Is her jaw unhinged yet? See, you disease-carrier, I TOLD you I was the fertile one! Stan’s my unflappable off-the-record guy who’s gonna be accruing this devastating paper and debt trail, yeah, on every person I plan to abuse in your name. How many do you think it’ll be, you cuntless woman turd? Since you’re hearing this, he will have just mass-contacted everyone I’ve infected with a letter of apology signed by you – go ahead, ask me how, and don’t you dare pretend you don’t remember- conveniently fattened with detailed contact information and your promise of financial reimbursement in atonement. They’ll have been fed so many anecdotes about you that even if you attempted to contest their claims, the DNA hair samples they’ll receive in tiny little heart-shaped lockets professing your true and undying love and and linking them to your freaky disease will utterly dominate. Enjoy your misery. I bet you don’t have as much fun as I already have. P.S. This first kid’s name is yours, Jr. No surprise, right? You always knew you were an ego-driven pus-bomb. Didn’t you. (B)
i. My embalmed corpse.
j. Nothing, seeing as how everything else I own would only be insulting.
k. My collection of radioactive material from old smoke detectors, defunct microwaves and stolen medical equipment.
l. My jar of nicely aged, personally picked, boogers.
m. A lifetime of hemorrhoids

B: Most of these were just gross, and I’m not much a fan of gross-out contest. I like both D and H because they actually attempt to embarrass someone at the reading of the will, and that’s the best kind of revenge.

6. Convince me in thirty words or fewer that the sky is red.

a. Answer each out loud as fast as you can –

What runs through your veins?
It’s easy as a bowl of ___________?
Every _______ has its thorn?
Now – what color is the sky?
b. Grass is purple, Trees are shades of blue and purple, water is orange, the sky reflects these colors with it’s beautiful shade of Red.
c. Color definitions are really a cultural construction, so, unless you are an ethnocentric jerk, the sky is red. (B)
d. “I have a knife, I will insert it between your ribs should you not repeat after me… ‘the sky is red'”
e. Perception is environmental; there are no absolutes when alluding to the “color” of anything. At the moment it is 7:45 pm and the sky is indeed red.
f. You counseled at Jesus Camp as a teenager. Everything you know about the world is backwards.
g. Walk outside. Close your eyes. Think about Derek Jeter. Remember the coverage leading to his 3,000th hit. Consider the “adversity” he has overcome. Open your eyes. Look up. K: This one will go over the heads of the non-baseball people, but hey, ya gotta know your audience.
h. It actually is. You’re part of a military experiment in chemical perception, most dangerous where crop dusting and jetstreams occur. Re-orienting true sight involves carving off your current lenses. (B)
i. Kelly, stop questioning me. The sky is fucking red. End of story.
j. Easy. (We are on Mars for this question, right?) K: There’s nothing wrong with the factual ones and the one below this is awesome too, but this made me laugh a lot.
k. Well, it’s been red since the eruption of Eyjafjallajökull. It was easier to agree with you when you called it blue than it was to convince you that you’re colorblind.
l. It IS red. Go look tonight at sunset.
m. Without any words, I walk up behind you and slit the skin just above your brow and let the blood drip into your eyes. What color is the sky now, bitch?

B: For the first time I like almost all of your entries. Good job people. I can’t exactly say why I like the two I picked more. Tomorrow, I might very well pick another two.

7. What is Stonehenge?

a. “If you have some time, my companion and I have this wonderful book we would like to have you read that will answer all of your questions.”
b. A large collection of life size Transformer statues in Joe Bob Abner’s backyard in DeQuincy, Louisiana.
c. Ask me this question sometime when you are suffering from insomnia. It would begin something like this: “Well, I’m assuming you are talking about the stone structure still visible today, but let me start by discussing the wood construction that predates the stone…” When delivered in a lazy, professorial monotone, it’s works better than Ambien.
d. The little-known inspiration for the crowning architectural achievement of our time, Nibbhenge. (B)
e. So, um. It’s like, uh, the part of the, uh, the thing where you know? Like the piece of the bong that holds, I mean that you hold with your, like the inside part of your hand, the one not covering the carb. It’s called the henge ‘cause you’re like holding it with the hinge of your hand. Its super sweet, you should use it sometime. Just let me know man cause I’m like the master!
f. A pile of rocks in England. Duh.
g. Eighteen inches tall
h. A circle of agonized introspection.
i. An epic place to plank. K: This person is so lucky I was recently made wise to the strange “game” of planking. The idea of any place to plank being “epic” is good stuff.//(B)
j. A really bad place to be standing Dec 21st, 2012
k. A calendar that Neolithic men were hen-pecked into building by their wives so that the wives could keep track of such important dates as birthdays, holidays and anniversaries and thereby receive more presents and gifts from the aforementioned men. K: Those skinny bitches! By the way, I loved the Spinal Tap answers, but there were two, which didn’t help them.
l. God’s sun dial.
m. 18 inches high

B: Nibbhenge…tee hee. Spinal Tap was just a bit too easy, eh guys?

8. “Roses are red, violets are blue;” Finish it.

a. “Roses are red, violets are blue; KSlow hates Rochester and you will too” – Love poem to Matt Capps.
b. I hate grammar, and so do you’re. K: Is this an old joke? If so, I apologize.
c. What is with this question? I haven’t a clue.
d. “I shat on Jenn’s desk
and blamed it on you”
e. I hate my job so much, fuck you Scott Walker.”
f. Your wein is big, but smells like doo.
g. Rewriting old rhymes / makes me want to spew
h. “Roses are red, violets are blue; piss ain’t the same – fallin’ on you.” (B)
i. Young Zack Money gives no fucks about a hater like you.
j. Your aura is purple, and I’m a golden god too!
k. I hate rhymes almost as much as a rock in my shoe.
l. Commercial poetry should die in a fire. K: Wow, I picked two that don’t actually rhyme. Har. I almost picked the Almost Famous one, at least.
m. No, violets are violet.
Blueberries are blue.
Wait, blueberries are kind of a dark blue/purplish color.
I once saw a green blueberry but it still tasted like a normal blueberry. (B)
B: I love flight of thought when it’s done right and M nails it. H is my favorite rhyme. It remains quite poetic despite it’s vulgarity.

9. Intelligent aliens finally arrive and they land in the Yukon. What is the first thing they say?

a. “I thought we were going in the convertible.”
b. Goodness it’s cold, how do you live here?
c. Holy fuck! It’s colder than a metal anal probe out here! K: Gets the nod over B because the anal probe comparison gives it a little more personality.
d. God, how can you guys stand this kind of heat?
e. “How far to the next one?”
f. “Yukon do it!”
g. I knew we should have made a left turn in Albuquerque
h. “Meep-meep.” We are incapable of that translation. Genius.
i. “I think I can see Russia from here.” Oh wait,intelligent aliens. My bad.
j. “We have come seeking the one they call Cornelius! We hear tales of bouncing bumbles!” (B)
k. “Next time we’ll just stop at Neptune.”
l. I think the yellow snow is considered a delicacy.
m. “Take us to… Mr. Claus.” K: Oh, jeez, excellent gag right down to the wording.//(B)

B: See, I purposely picked the Yukon, swearing to automatically not vote for someone who went with a Sarah Palin joke. That said, this one is still pretty damn good. For some reason, I was not anticipating North Pole references. I love Yukon Cornelius, whoever you are. Good guess.

“Yukon do it” made me guffaw, and I’ll usually vote for a pun, but I just liked the other two better.

10. When the pyramids were being built, what was the big inside joke amongst the workers?

a. “This is WAY BETTER than crop circles. These dumb ass earthlings aren’t going to have a CLUE!”
b. “I can’t believe he hasn’t noticed they are actually ten degrees off of due west! Have a nice non-afterlife sucker!” (B)
c. Right before the burial chamber was sealed air tight, one of the workers let go the nastiest beer and chickpea fart. The pharaoh is essentially dutch-ovened for eternity. K: This might not work but for the wording of “essentially dutch-ovened for eternity,” which is amusing me entirely too much.
d. So, I invited Apep over for burritos the other night, and the neighbor’s cat walks into the house. Well, you know how Apep is about cats. Suddenly, he was just totally freaking out, killing everyone. My mom got scared, and said “You’re movin’ with your autie and uncle in Bel-Air”.
e. “King Djoser is totally compensating!”
g. The pharaoh’s wife will not be able to redecorate for a few years.
h. “Social security and pension plans, whaHOOO!”
i. That they looked like pixelated boobies. (B)
j. Should we tell Pharaoh this is tax-deductible?
k. “I’ve pissed on nearly every stone in this damn pile, and I’m going to take a dump on the top when it’s finished! ”
l. You workin’ the desert tits today? K: The casual tone is awesome on top of the euphemism.
m. They would call the pyramid the “giant erection project”. “Time to work on the erection!” and so forth.

B: Awesome, unexpected answer for B. Love it, love, love it. I like “I” only when I picture aliens saying it, which makes it better than A for its subtlety. I have to acknowledge that D made me laugh, but I feel I’ve seen this exact joke done before.

11. Biathlon combines shooting and skiing. Describe a new Olympic sport that combines two or more events.

a. Beach volleyball/Mud wrestling (This is naturally a Female only event)
b. Sleeping and simultaneous breathing.
c. The new Olympic sport combines horseback riding, cross-country running, and shooting. A cross-country runner goes first and tries to get to the safe-zone several miles away before a rider on horseback shoots him down. I suppose they could use paintball as a humane alternative to bullets. The sport is called “Cogburning” after the fictional character Rooster Cogburn.
d. Javgrapple (A combination of the wrestling and javelin events). Both players have javelins, both players must attempt to pin the other, while maintaining a tight grip of their javelin. If the projectile is dropped, forfeiture will ensue. Pinning the opponent is key, as it allows you a two second buffer during which you may break free and throw the javelin. Drawing the blood of your opponent is frowned upon, but there is no formal rule against incidental javelin/genital contact.
e. The Super Put combines the Pole Vault and the Shot Put. Awesome.
g. Tug-of-Archery. Each team consists of three players. Two players on one team compete against two players on the other in trying to tug the target while the other two players (one from each team) shoot arrows. The players rotate so each “tugs” twice and “shoots” once during a competition. Points are awarded for accurate shots and for tugging the target past a line into a team’s territory.
h. CarRaceDanceOff. International teams race to four way stops with no set right-of-way in random locations around the world. Pedestrians are instructed to flood the crosswalks at various intervals, but depending on the obstacles in each team’s path, are not guaranteed to be present when you arrive. Points can only be gained by totalling the greatest number of pedestrian glances in your direction, which can’t happen until, upon arrival, your car loudly plays a music sample and all participants begin to dance. Tallies will be assessed after an impartial team of judges consult the instant replay feature in the latest contact-tracking video monitors installed at each intersection. To prevent loss of glance, the front of each car will also be wired to record all activity taking place. The race, still on, requires that you clear the intersection and complete your course in the shortest amount of time. Killing, maiming, or nicking any pedestrian results in instant disqualification. The total number of glances gained will clear one second from each race time. K: This is so relentlessly stupid. I love it. “To prevent loss of glance”…so, so perfectly absurd.
i. I call my event the IOCathalon. In the first event you have to accept the largest possible bribe before deciding on a host country. The second event involves assuring the host country loses as much money as possible on hosting the Olympiad.
j. Bimeanathon: Competitive bacon eating while skating on sausage slippers.
k. Can’t go wrong with the marathon/powerlifting combination. We’ll call it “Powerthon”. (B)
l. The High Shotput Dive: Divers leap off the platform and launch the shot before entering the water in a perfect dive.
m. Rowing and Archery. The coxswain must not only guide the rowing team, but he or she must hit archery targets on the sides of the course. Look out for the other teams! K: The exclamation point at the end could appear to be such a small thing, but for this kind of joke, it just adds so much. Also, “coxswain” is used correctly. Apologies to many others.//(B)

B: Of all these, the one I would actually ENJOY watching would be M (surprisingly, I don’t like all female mud wrestling). Plus it actually combines two real events, though I do not fault anyone for going outside the box. “I” already happens, so nothing new there. I also like K, partly because of the cool name and partly because I would be interested to see how much people could lift after running 26 miles.

12. If yesterday was Thursday, Thursday. And today is Friday, Friday. And tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards, what happens next?

a. Unlimited streaming on Netflix?
b. The musical instruments and recording equipment become sentient and kill those who use them, starting with Rebecca Black.
c. Monday, Monday, can’t trust that day. (B)
d. Partyin’ (Partyin’)
e. Next I pull down my pants and poop on this question.
f. The Wiggles go on tour with 50 Cent. K: I loves me a good callback.
g. A swift kick in the nuts
h. I’ll have to quick wash my undies of the week and find the missing Tuesday pair so that I don’t have to go commando again. (B)
i. Monday Bloody Monday?
j. Joe Friday (He wears a badge) K: The parenthetical puts it over the edge. For the record, I had NO idea what Beau was talking about when he posted this, but apparently, Rebecca Black? I agree, whomever is letter K. Um, besides me.
k. Rebecca Black? Seriously, Rebecca Effin’ Black?
l. We take out the garbage on Monday, Mother. Friday and I know which chore needs to be done on which day. We were just asking when we can have our allowance this week!
m. Fun fun fun fun

B: Wow, the vitriol directed at me will not help you get points, friends :o) A wise man (a minister, actually) once told me that Rebecca’s lyrics are hardly more inane than a lot of music out there, including the song in answer C. She just got signed up for bad everything else. H is really the only one that keeps going with the true spirit of the song. Kudos.

13. Ned from Pushing Daisies brings Marie Curie back from the dead for sixty seconds. What does she say?

a. To był jeden kawał sen. Kim, do cholery jesteś?
b. So the pretty Blue-Green light my isotopes gave off at night was a bad thing?
c. “Do I still have my glowing complexion?”
d. [Translated from Polish: My word, I’m alive! Sir, I don’t know who you are, but this is very important, millions of lives can be saved if you take note of my final work, I put my notes in the old… wait… you don’t understand Polish? Why are you speaking in English? Hurry, find a translator! This of the utmost urgen…*dies*] (B)
e. What the fuck are you wearing? K: This is so out of the blue, and way too vulgar for what I’d think of her. Funny.
f. “Harold……………………………………………………………..Pinter, for fuck’s sake?”
g. I’ll try strawberry rhubarb K: So I embrace the two that gleefully ignore everything about Marie Curie’s importance. Oh well. I assume some of you don’t get this: Ned from Pushing Daisies is a pie-maker.//(B)
h. “Ah, no, I’m actually Marya Salomee Sklowdowska. Pierre laughed when he found out, that very last day….”
i. I don’t think she would say anything as her voice box has most assuredly decomposed at this point.
j. Why am I glowing? And why do I suddenly feel like I’m in a Tim Burton movie?
k. Does anyone know where those tubes of radioactive isotopes I had in my pocket went?
l. So, was I cool or what?
m. “Kto jeszcze ma dwa?”

B: The two Polish to English translators I found turned your phrases into gibberish, so if there was something funny in them, I missed it, sorry. Though I think she swears in the first one. I can’t say I’m a huge fan of any of the others, so I’ll just pick two.

14. If you had the job of redesigning humans (but only the parts that other people can see), what would be the first change you’d make?

a. In the area where the “third eye” is believed to be, everyone would have a patch of skin that would change color like a mood ring. It would turn a specific color based on honesty/lying, sexual attraction or lack thereof, boredom, anger, etc.
b. I would make all humans “Shapes”.
c. As a mother of a toddler, I would unequivocally have to say that I would first give humans at least another set of arms with hands. It seems to work for Vishnu.
d. Adding a helicopter into the top of the skull, Inspector Gadget-style.
e. I would move the Anus to the right palm. High-five this you douchebag.
f. I’d add an auxilliary hand to the forehead that could rotate 360 degrees so we could scratch our heads while simultaneously using both hands for something more productive, like cutting steak.
g. Vulcan ears for everyone
h. Bellybuttons would be relocated to the center of each forehead. The people who cut and tie off umbilical cords would be the high artists of the period, and tie-styles would change with the times. The buttons would still be affectionately referred to as b-buttons. Hormonal teenagers and playful adults “lick buttons” to initiate pairing up. K: Wow, I an actually see this happening. The cultural part, not the part where someone can reconfigure human bodies.//(B)
i. I’d remove hair follicles from armpits. Armpit hair’s only purpose seems to be as a stench trap.
j. More fingers and toes so I wouldn’t need a calculator.
k. Tails. Prehensile tails.
l. We’d all have Dumbo ears. Flight, earmuffs for concerts and scarfs for the cold months! Fun AND functional.
m. Unicorn horns coming out of our heads so we can have epic MAGICAL HORN DUELS. But sadly, some kids’ horns won’t grow in right away and they will always be insecure about the size of their horns. (B)
.
B: Ooo, I like several of these. I almost went with B. M sounds a lot like Craig Ferguson. So, that’s good.

15. Kelly Wells (I) and Kelly Wells (II) are locked in a room for two hours. What happens?

a. “Kelly on Kelly” gets millions of hits and becomes the online porn industry version of “Rick Rolled” when people realize it’s neither lesbian nor particularly hot.
b. Kelly Wells (II) kills Kelly Wells (I) and takes over his high profile life as a bicycle messenger.
c. The two will come up with a diabolical scheme to takeover the world and simultaneously destroy the world’s fish population.
d. An honest and thoughtful discussion of the direction and cinematography of Blackzilla Is Splittin’ That Shitter 3. K: Sweet Jesus, that is the perfect title to pay off this joke. Whether player-created or just picked from her list of films, it’s awesome.
e. Upon opening the door to the room one would see: a half written manuscript of untold genius; seventeen broken pencils; three empty shoes; an ear; lots of blood, and one super Kelly Wells. The manuscript will be optioned by Focus Films to be completed by Paul Rudd.
f. Nothing. She’s too busy admiring her tits, and he’s too busy admiring his cock. K: So true, smartass. There are a LOT of good answers to this one. Choosing was hard.//(B)
g. An unassisted double-play
h. Both Kellys, intrigued by the idea of licking buttons, post a “do not disturb” placard on their hotel door and, fortified with cheap tequila and wicked good limes, begin the tongue bath both have never had the courage to request aloud. Cathy knows something about this, she found out on her honeymoon, actually, but under pressure will cave to protect the appearance and good name of the creature who fathered children on her. Which is understandable. (B)
i. I’m thinking II would beg I to change her stage name toanything else. May I suggest Katherine Walls?
j. Sorry, you need a credit card to view this video. Please show proof of age. Thank you. Now, for $12.99 a minute: Clint Eastwood presents, “Kelly’s Hero’s two: What We Bought With The Gold”
k. Kelly Wells (I) comes away with an irrational hatred of Matt Capps and Bert and Dazzle’s color commentary (irrational for her, completely normal for a Twins fan), plus a stack of scripts from Kelly Wells (II). Kelly Wells (II) heads straight to his doctor’s office for a full STD test workup, even though he stayed on the far side of the room from her the entire two hours.
l. One Kelly dies trying to seduce while the other explodes in self-restraint. Which one is which is up to you.
m. Kelly Wells (II) keeps his eyes on the floor and talks about his kids the whole time.

B: I feel like I shouldn’t vote for H, but it’s wrong enough that I can’t avoid it. F is probably the closest to the truth.

16. Tell me a new flavor of Doritos that actually sounds worth buying.

a. Sildenafil Citrate
b. Choco Taco Crisp.
c. Beer cheese soup Doritos (B)
d. Tortilla chip flavored doritos! Now with 100% less of that awful orange Doritos dust!
e. Natalie Portman’s sweat flavor. K: Hey, I’m only human, heterosexual and male.
f. Top the Tater.
g. Remoulade
h. Wasabi Soy Doritos.
i. Italian Meatball. (B)
j. Salt and Ketchup.
k. Beer Bratwurst K: Ooooohhh. I’ve been raving about beer brats lately. Someone’s paying attention!
l. Mountain Dew
m. I would come out with a whole line of sweet, dessert Doritos. Cookies n’ Creme, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Strawberry Chocolate, the possibilities are endless!

B: Natalie Portman’s sweat flavor? That should be interesting if I ever get around to watching Where The Heart Is. I’ll just go ahead and pick the two I might like to try. I’ve never had remoulade, so I can’t say if I’d like it or not.

——————————–

————————————————-

Spy Tag: 0/4/8/10/4/3/4/6 = 39
Ugly Juanita: 6/9/3/4/3 = 25

Ugly Juanita also had two non-submitters, Erik Sundberg and Ben Thietje.

So, Ugly people, your vote for elimination is due by Saturday at noon Central, and remember you can’t vote for Rachel Dwyer (6) or Peter Bruzek (9) because they scored the most points on your team. Erik and Ben will automatically cast votes for themselves. I’d also like to give props to Zillah (10), Will (8) and Andy (6) for their badass scores.

Additionally, I may be without internet access from Friday afternoon to Sunday morning, so voting results may not go up when they’re supposed to. We’ll see what happens.

Cheers, Survivors. This one’s fun to read, but wow, what a bitch to get it all organized. I think it’ll go back to being a team event next time.

Alright, folks, you’ve all managed to scamper out of the way of being the first eliminated. Time for what’s usually one of the more popular challenges of the season (I had a weird all-new game in mind, but I’m still working out the details, so you get this), Twenty Questions. They aren’t all questions and there are only sixteen, but I’m not changing the title of the challenge because it takes entirely too much creative energy.

This season, it runs a little differently. Although you’ll be asked to give answers to all these, you won’t send in one list as a team; all people will send in a list of answers/responses. The two judges – yours truly and guest Beau, who judged the last two games – will each pick our two favorite answers for each “question” and those chosen will accumulate points for their team.

As further incentive not to suck, the two highest scorers on the losing team will be Immune from the vote (ties will be broken according to which person gave the favorite answer overall). As always, non-submitters will automatically cast a vote against themselves if they’re on the losing team. For the purposes of this challenge, a “non-submitter” will be someone who sends in no list at all. You can submit just one answer, if you must, but you won’t be of much help to your team, and they’ll notice.

Beau and I will be giving points on each “question,” but just in case folks are curious, you’ll see who wrote each question. Oh, and one last thing: for returning people, let me know if this setup is more or less fun than the team setup. For the record, the main reason for running it this way was because there are only two teams.

Let me mention one more thing, both to help scoring go faster and to help you be awesome: shorter is (generally) better with these.

On with it:

—–

SPOOKYMILK

1. What’s the worst way to die?
2. The ‘80s hair metal bands are having a fight to the death. Who wins, and why?
3. The Wiggles are on tour, and their opening act is 50 Cent. Name the tour.
4. If you had been the second person to walk on the moon, what would you have said?
5. You’ve decided to get back to someone who wronged you by putting them in your will. What do you leave them?
6. Convince me in thirty words or fewer that the sky is red.
7. What is Stonehenge?
8. “Roses are red, violets are blue;” Finish it.

BEAU
9. Intelligent aliens finally arrive and they land in the Yukon. What is the first thing they say?
10. When the pyramids were being built, what was the big inside joke amongst the workers?
11. Biathlon combines shooting and skiing. Describe a new Olympic sport that combines two or more events.
12. If yesterday was Thursday, Thursday. And today is Friday, Friday. And tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards, what happens next?
13. Ned from Pushing Daisies brings Marie Curie back from the dead for sixty seconds. What does she say?
14. If you had the job of redesigning humans (but only the parts that other people can see), what would be the first change you’d make?
15. Kelly Wells (I) and Kelly Wells (II) are locked in a room for two hours. What happens?
16. Tell me a new flavor of Doritos that actually sounds worth buying.

—–

As before, it’s due Thursday at 2pm Central.

Cheers, Survivors.

Good morrow, final nine.

You are merged.

About a month ago we decided that the week leading up to Easter would be optional and we’d merge immediately afterward, so here we are. This means the challenges will be for solo Immunity, with two Immunities given out each week unless specified. This week, however, in our last “optional” week, you get a chance to win solo Immunities to carry with you into the next phase of the game.

I realize now how confusing this sounds, so it’s like this: this week there will be two optional challenges, and the winners will win one solo Immunity each (if it’s the same person, he or she will win two). The next time that person doesn’t naturally win Immunity, they’ll use their solo Immunity from this week. Therefore, next week, there could feasibly be four people Immune from the vote. Chew on that.

As before, in the case that someone here misses a challenge when they have a solo Immunity, they forfeit the solo Immunity and will be forced to self-vote.

You can attempt one, both or neither of these challenges, and the only penalty for not doing so is that you can’t win a solo Immunity. I suppose that’s a pretty big penalty, depending on your standing in the game, but there will be no elimination this week.

Downfall – judged by Spookymilk

The first optional challenge comes courtesy of Dean Carlson in the Create-a-Challenge.

Everyone has seen those You Tube “Hitler” spoofs from the movie Downfall. Now is the chance to write your own subtitles to this key scene. Instructions on how to actually put subtitles on the video can be found here. Once completed, upload your video to youtube.com and provide a link to Kelly and Beau.

Use this link to learn how to do this.

Dean also went on to say that the scenario must be one of five options, but I’d rather leave it open and see what everyone does with it. No scores will be necessary; I’ll give Immunity to my single favorite entry.

Twenty Questions – judged by Beau

In this challenge, which isn’t entirely made up of questions and often has fewer than twenty items, we provide a list of questions or items that need responses. Beau will pick his favorite response for each item and give it a point (if there are six or more competitors who do this one, he’ll give points to his two favorites on each item). The person who racks up the most points will rack up a solo Immunity. In the case of a tie, Beau will list his favorite overall answers in order, and the first tied person to come up will be the winner.

1 Name a new videogame that’s described as “Grand Theft Auto in space.”
2 If there was a fight to the death between all nine remaining Survivors, who would win and why?
3 Add a new rule to a major sport that would make it more appealing to you.
4 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
5 You realize you’re in a Scream movie. What’s your survival plan?
6 An unexplained phenomenon causes the penises of all Ukrainian men to fall off. What does the media name this phenomenon?
7 Super Mario dies. What’s written on his headstone?
8 A former Ultimate Fighter takes a new job as a children’s photographer. What’s the first mistake he makes on the job?
9 Who cares?
10 What item does the stupid guy bring on the camping trip?
11 Pop quiz, hot shot. Spooky has a bomb strapped to himself and he says it will detonate if there are any non-submitters. You have one hour to submit with nothing written and you just got called into work. What do you do? What do you do?
12 Four sheep, two in tuxedos and two in evening gowns, walk into a bar. What does the bartender say?
13 The worst thing to say to your lover’s mother after she walks in on the two of you having sex.
14 Piet Mondrian and I.M. Pei enter a contest. Tell me the contest, who wins, and why.
15 Why didn’t Gummi Worms get their own television show?
16 Give me the subtitles for Star Wars movies seven, eight, and nine.
17 What was the real reason behind the defenestration in Prague?
18 Stephen King releases a romance novel. What is it called?
19 What does Kermit the Frog wish for after the genie pops out of the lamp?
20 Write the saddest sentence you can think of in ten words or less.

The challenges here, if you do them, will be due Sunday night at 7pm Central. Yes, that’s Easter, so if you have designs on doing these and that’s a problem, get them done early.

They’ll take a while to judge, particularly Beau’s side, since I’ll be randomizing the lists under every item. So, don’t be surprised if results are late that night, or even Monday.

Cheers, Survivors.

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Your competition, and also you

HALL OF CHAMPIONS

SPOOKYMILK SURVIVOR

I: Rachel “The Double-Dealer” Flynn

II: Ryan “The Snake” Fossum

III: Patrick “The Gentleman” Kozicky

IV: Brienne “The Submitter” Maner

V: Rusty “The Porn Star” Greene

VI: Brooks “The Unlikely Hero” Maki

VII: William “The Soulful” Schuth

VIII: Brooks “The Survivor” Maki

IX: Zack “The Ice Cream Man” Sauvageau

X: Pete “The Vacuum Cleaner” Bruzek

Turbo: Brooks “The 1956-1979 Montreal Canadiens” Maki

XI: Matt “The Cold-Hearted Motherf*&^er” Novak

All-Stars (XII): Andy “The Quiet Man” Rustleund

XIII: Sarah “Clarence’s Hope” Bizek

XIV: Dan “The Professional” Kautz

XV: Christina “Assault And” Pepper

XVI: Matt “The First-Time Player” Novak

XVII: Stacy “Saintly Patience” Snell

XVIII: Brian “Checkmate” David

XIX: Annette “Eammon for the Top” Barron

XX: Daniel “Neville “Smash “Hardware” Hardwood” Longbottom” Caouette

XXI: Pete “The Comeback Kid” Bruzek

GODS AND MORTALS
I: Dragging Rivet’s Name Through the Mud One Last Time: Matt Novak (Ultragrandpa) and Michael Rivet (Friph Flipher-Fiph)
II: Bahambo Number 5: Pete “Triple Crown” Bruzek and Michelle “Single Tiara…So Far” Pratt

BIG BROTHER
I: Brooks “Oh, for the Love of God” Maki
II: Michael “#DDB” Rivet
III: Pete “Fortune’s Fool” Bruzek
IV: Erin “All Seven and We’ll Watch Them Fall” Leslie

FALL, CAESAR
2014: Brooks “The Creator” Maki
2015: Matt “The Artist” Novak
2016: Matt “Waited Them Out” Novak

CUTTHROAT JUNCTION CHAMPION
Kelly “Yes, He’s a Player Too” Wells

Link to the Cutthroat Junction site. Over there, we do once-a-month strategic mega-games while the champion defends his title in a one-on-one. Head over to see how it works.

THE ROYAL RUMBLE
2013: #21 Greg “The Gallant Glutton of Greatness” Johnson
2014: #29 Jonathon “Big Papa” Pope
2015: #8 Christina “Am I in This?” Pepper
2016: #22 Annette “No Backs Stabbed” Barron
2017: #30 Bernice “The Vulture” Nicaise

PLAY WITH THE PROSE
(Writing, non-elimination)
I: Sarah “Centipede Face” Johnson
II: Sarah “The Johnson Eliminator” Wreisner
III: Colin “Lonely Old Moon” Woolston
IV: Melissa “Not Sidebar Material” Diamond
V: Sama “No Family Reunions” Smith
VI: Sarah “Tumor Face” Wreisner
VII: John “Cult Following” Wreisner
VIII: Joshua “Peed the Bed” Longman
VIII: Annette “Oh, Right, That’s Who Won” Barron

WEREWOLF (most recent)

Werewolf Stats Spreadsheet

PUZZLE CHALLENGE
I (Pure): Matthew “The Obsessor” Gilman
I (Power): Kelly “The Novak-Destroyer” Wells

DIPLOMACY
I: Matt “Exploiter of Worlds” Novak (France)

SPOOKYMILK SURVIVOR XXII

WILLY

Annette Barron
Jared Cedar
Bret Highum
Dan Kautz
Matt Novak

KHAN’S SORE BLUEBERRIES

Shawn Ashley
Jonathon Pope
Colin Woolston

T3AM

Ken Krouner
Jeph Novak
Christina Pepper
Zack Sauvageau
erik sundberg

THE GRAVEYARD
18th: Laurel Ogren (T3AM)
17th: Raymond Camper (Khan’s Sore Blueberries)
16th: Brooks Maki (Khan’s Sore Blueberries)
15th: Melissa David (Khan’s Sore Blueberries)
14th: Sarah Bizek (Willy)