“Laugh and the world laughs with you,” they say; “cry and the world laughs AT you.” That’s how it feels, bro. That’s how it feels. Oh, you did jokes this time. Hey, you guys are some funny guys. Pretty funny guys. Yep.
Sorry, still feeling the anesthetic. Gotta lie down soon. Here are the results…
Match A
1. Beau
At the last bar in town it felt welcome, the string sat mournfully by the fire, nursing a beer. It used to be that cheekily shouting “I’m a frayed knot!” would bring laughs, maybe a drink on the house. Now its usefulness was gone. After taking one final soak in its Heineken, the string flung itself into the fire.
2. Ian Pratt
A man sits down at a bar and orders nine shots.
“This is the worst day of my life. My dog died, my car was stolen, I lost my job, and my wife left me.”
“Wow, that’s rough,” says the bartender. “No wonder you’re getting drunk.”
“Oh, no,” the man says. “That’s just because I’m also a raging alcoholic.”
MATTHEW: Aww. I like story 1! So much pathos for the brief life of a string. And that joke is one of my all-time favorites. But I’m going to give the edge in this week’s competition to folks who actually tried to tell or craft a joke, and that’s absolutely what happened in story 2. It was pretty good too! WINNER: #2
ANDY: I like both of these a lot. Very clever. I enjoyed the matter-of-fact punchline in the second one, so that’s my winner.
Novak – I can tell I’m going to love this challenge. It might get old by the end, but I’m enjoying it now. #1 turns in a nice story, and I like putting the joke in the middle for some reason. #2 feels like an attempt at a new joke (I feel like I’ve heard things along this line before…?), but it feels a little awkward with the language in the last line for some reason. I want to reward the creativity of #2, but in this case I feel like the writing is crisper in #1, so #1 wins.
WINNER: Ian Pratt
Match B
1. David Larson
“Hey Moose, did you know there are 10 types of people in the world.”
“Uh…no.”
“Yeah, those that understand binary numbers, and those that don’t!”
“What about the other eight?”
“No, it’s a joke.”
“What the heck’s a binary?”
The last thing Steve could recall as he awoke in the hospital was the fist that pounded him 10 times.
2. Sarah Johnson
An Amish man and his son stood before an elevator, hypnotized by the flashing lights and sliding panels. They gasped as an elderly woman stepped aboard, pushed a glowing button, and disappeared. Moments later, the machine whirred open and a gorgeous young woman strolled out. The man turned to his son.
“GO GET YOUR MOTHER!”
MATTHEW: I have no idea if the joke in Story 2 was already in circulation, or if it was fresh…but it’s new to me, and it actually made me laugh. Story 1 wasn’t bad at all, but it wasn’t a joke so much as a story about a joke. But Story 2 still would’ve carried this one without my little joke-rule. WINNER: #2
ANDY: You really had me going there, #1, a joke after my own heart (I’m a programmer by day). But unfortunately, the punchline just didn’t reach the heights for me, sorry. Funny, but not hilarious, I guess. #2 constructed a great story-joke. The language flows very nicely, and the punchline hits the spot. It’s so much like a real joke, I feel like you must have stolen it. I’ll assume not, though. Congrats, #2.
Novak – Yup, I’m loving it. I’ve never heard #2, though I feel like I should have. A fantastic, efficient joke-telling. #1 takes a somewhat classic gag, and turns it into more of a story. The descent into the pounding made me laugh again, but I just can’t get past – or maybe I don’t want to – the effectiveness of #2, so that one wins.
WINNER: Sarah Johnson
Match C
1. Zack Sauvageau
“What’s the difference between Paris Hiton and a dead baby?” Mike couldn’t hide how proud of himself he was with this joke.
Janet replied through clenched teeth. “I dunno, what?”
“I wouldn’t fuck Paris Hilton!” Mike laughed, and looked at Janet awaiting a response. She forced out a pained smile.
She’d tell him she was pregnant tomorrow.
2. Peter Bruzek
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Considering the bird’s self-awareness, I’m not even sure the chicken knows. Do these things not usually cross roads? I’m pretty sure I saw one cross a road yesterday, I didn’t pause to consider its nonexistent motivations. Why is this so important to you? Go read a book or something.
MATTHEW: Story 1 is gross, but so is Paris Hilton. Neither of these fit in the “Write a new joke” criteria…I mean, technically I guess story 1 has a new joke in it, but that’s not what the story’s about. But Story 2 was about jokes in a broader sense, which is very interesting. BUT NOT FUNNY. NO. WINNER: #1
ANDY: I really enjoyed #1. I’m a sucker for people who think they’re funny but always find themselves making jokes in the wrong situation (see: Fred Willard). #2 feels like it’s struggling to find the humor, and doesn’t quite get there. Better luck next time. Winner: #1.
Novak – First off, something happened here to tell me that entry #2 was Pete’s. I hope it really is. Because let me tell you, it’s the suckiest bunch of suck that ever sucked. Unless it’s not Pete’s. Truth be told, I really enjoyed it. Quite the approach… just not quite enough to trump #1, which turns in a real story, and packs some emotional punch. Turning the telling of the joke into the story is an effective way to tackle this challenge, so #1 wins for me.
WINNER: Zack Sauvageau
Match D
1. AMR
Ole and Sven pushed off from the dock at the same time. Sven was into gambling and yelled, “Betcha some Copenhagen I’ll catch more!” Ole’s quick nod and big smile worried Sven, and he only caught a few sunnies.
Back at the dock, Ole’s choked back tears and tossed Sven a can of snus, shouting “Yaah, I got nothing.”
2. Colin Woolston
Dripping with viscera, Charlie wiped chunks of cartilage and brain from his boot and dropped the now still heart in the gutter. As he was turning away, he aimed a toothy snarl at the mangled corpse and said “No I am not glad you didn’t say banana.
“I fucking love bananas.”
MATTHEW: Both of these strike me as a statement of personal truth. And I think technically they both count as new jokes. So I’m giving the victory to #2 since it made me laugh more. WINNER: #2
ANDY: I’m sorry, #1, but I don’t get it. Is it funny because it’s not funny? This one went over my head. #2 dazzles us with language normally reserved for the higher writing forms, and it’s funny to boot. Easy winner to #2.
Novak – Is there a specific joke in #1 that I don’t know? Or is the joke that the author has nothing? I’m guessing the later… Still, we’re dealing with the classic characters, so I won’t dock it for that (eh? eh?). The characters are definitely there in their glory.. #2 is brilliant. Just… effective and funny and colorful. I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking for. This was it. #2 wins.
WINNER: Colin Woolston
Match E
1. Christina Pepper
A girl named Ken doesn’t have it easy. The other kids would chase me up to Highway 10, daring me to play chicken with the cars. One day I finally ran clear across and left town for good. So why did the chick, Ken, cross the road? You bet your ass it was to get to the other side.
2. Eric Schapp
“Mr. Hyde, would you like to say anything?”
“Yes your honor…you hear the one about the only good lawyer?”
Astonished, the Honorable Jekyll took off his glasses and exhaled loudly. “That is NOT funny! Testimony was already given you told that ‘joke’ to Mr. Utterson shortly before his death. Death by hanging it is.”
The gavel bang echoed forcefully.
MATTHEW: Story 2, I don’t get it. I’m sorry. The only good lawyer is a dead lawyer, yeah, but connecting it to the verdict seems…shaky? Story 1, I get it…wish you’d managed to avoid using the word “chicken” prematurely in the set-up, but I do get it. WINNER: #1
ANDY: Uh-oh, we started off so well this week, but neither of these did it for me. #1, let me finish reading the rest of these first, but you might get the award for corniest joke of the century. Quite a groaner. #2, while somewhat more clever, lacked a bit of punch. It was a bit too convoluted. However, I found the word choice and language more advanced than #1, so that makes the difference. Winner: #2.
Novak – I like these both for completely different reasons. I hope like crazy #1 is Beau’s, given that the contrivance is the humor. Funny stuff. #2 plays on some classic identities in a way that brings a new level of depth to the story. I wish the last two sentences were flipped though. Both are good, but #2 wins for me.
WINNER: Eric Schapp
Match F
1. Dean Carlson
Charlie came home to find three big envelopes on the desk. A golden one from the University of Minnesota, a red one from Boston University, and a white one from Wisconsin-Madison. Charlie opens the first two, both of which say Congratulations….. Charlie looks at the third, rips it up and says Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ Badgers!
2. Will Young
One day, Simon felt an internal urge to return to his home. During his trip he reconnected with Tim who reluctantly admitted to sharing the same feeling. For a week, they traveled rapidly while overcoming numerous obstacles. Everything seemed to flow against them. Finally, their path was blocked by a giant, concrete wall.
Turning to Tim, Simon muttered, “Dam.”
MATTHEW: Two new jokes! I don’t know if I missed some kind of reference in the character names in story 2, but it didn’t hit me as solidly as the laugh at the end of story 1. WINNER: #1
ANDY: I owe some apologies to the previous Chick, Ken entry. These are starting to give it a run for its money. I guess most jokes are this corny, aren’t they? Pun vs. pun. This one is a tough call. I’m giving the edge to #1, whose lead-up was more compelling.
Novak – Can I take a guess at the author of #1? Funny line, if cribbed a bit from UHF. And a solid little story to it too. #2 is one of my favorite jokes. It’s stupid, but I love it. I really like the names here, the play on words, all of it. And yet, it doesn’t quite work for me… Still… it’s my “Close Call”, and I’m going with the joke I love better. #2 wins.
WINNER: Dean Carlson
Match G
1. Melissa D
The intruder in the cow costume pointed his shotgun at her. The mask muffled his voice. “Knock knock.”
Trembling, hands bound by rope, she didn’t know what else to do. “Wh-who’s there?”
He cocked his gun. “The interrupting cow.”
“The interrupting cow–”
BLAM!
Blood hit the damp basement wall. He took off his cow mask.
He laughed.
2. Kelly Wells
The lake calls me gently. I’m almost home. I toss my last empty Schlitz into the water.
My energy has left me as I drag the heavy stone chained to my ankle over another slit, but I’ll have time to rest soon enough.
I’m out of slits, and I’m out of pier. I drop the stone into the lake.
MATTHEW: Okay, I’m pretty damn sure I’m missing something in story 2. Some reference or pun or…SOMEthing. I apologize, Story2writer. Story 1 is based on my absolute favorite knock knock joke ever, and it’s wonderfully hyperviolent. WINNER: #1
ANDY: I really don’t know what to make of #2. I assume the “joke” is the pun of slits=Schiltz and pier=beer? If so, it’s a bit of a stretch. Otherwise, any other joke is lost on me. I normally reward originality, but I felt this one went a bit too far. #1 was great, except you added a bunch of stuff after the punchline. The last three lines were unnecessary, I felt the joke would have been much stronger if you had ended with “BLAM”. However, I enjoyed it much more than #2. Winner: #1.
Novak – A new joke in number 2, and great writing too. There’s a strong tone there, and I ate it up. #1 takes another classic and turns it dark, in a really fun way. I was hoping someone would find a way to do knock knock jokes like this one does ‘em. The last two sentences probably aren’t even needed, and they kind of break the scene for me. In a tight matchup, that’s trouble enough. #2 wins.
WINNER: Melissa D
Match H
1. Erik Dikken
Two fish sat in a tank. But it wasn’t a fish tank, it was a military tank. They flopped around for a bit before suffocating and dying. The maintenance crew picked them up and threw them away. I wonder how they got in the tank, it’s certainly not their natural habitat. Anyway, the fish were never thought of again.
2. Erik S
A red halo ringed the stool where the Grizzly had just mauled the floozy sitting at the end of the bar.
He plodded back to the unimpressed bartender, jowls dripping blood.
“I told you maul that bimbo if you didn’t serve me!”
“We can’t serve bears beer! Can’t serve junkies neither!”
“I’m not a junkie!”
“What about that barbiturate!?”
MATTHEW: I am a sucker for non-stories like #1 usually, but story 2 was an actual joke which made me actually laugh. Is it new? It seems like someone woulda thought of this before. Whatever, I liked it. WINNER: #2
ANDY: #1, I really liked the voice you established, and I was really excited to see where it was going. Unfortunately, it just kind of trailed off. Even though trailing off fits the established character, it didn’t really work. I was hoping for something more. Ah, another pun, #2. I felt prepared for it, waiting for it to make its appearance. Was it coming in “maul that bimbo”… no. Ah, there it is, at the end, where it should be. Although I am mighty impressed with your word choice and the feat of turning it into a pun, the lead-up drew on a bit long (even in this short of space). A little more concise and tight and it would have been better. Plus you have some awkward language in there, perhaps a typo? Both of these had great potential, and didn’t quite deliver. I’m going to give it to #1, which I felt had bigger potential.
Novak – Oh wow, #2 took a tough road with the joke that only really works when spoken. Pretty effective dialogue and solid images. #1 is maybe the one of these I get the least. I hope I’m not missing something obvious, but it seems like that lack of consequence really cuts the legs out from under the entry. #2 is my winner.
WINNER: Erik S
Writers, you’ve got your challenge for next time. Just make sure you let us know whether you’d like the upcoming challenge to have a Sunday deadline rather than Wednesday (if you haven’t already). Here are your matchups for the next go-round:
Colin Woolston vs. Beau
Ian Pratt vs. DPWY
AMR vs. Pete Bruzek
Dean Carlson vs. Erik S
Zack Sauvageau vs. Sarah Johnson
Erik Dikken vs. Kelly Wells
David Larson vs. Eric Schapp
Melissa D vs. Christina Pepper
Casa de Leche 
72 comments
Comments feed for this article
November 19, 2012 at 8:04 pm
spookymilk
I really don’t know what to make of #2. I assume the “joke” is the pun of slits=Schiltz and pier=beer? If so, it’s a bit of a stretch.
I didn’t write the joke. It’s old. I knew using an old joke that people may or may not know was a huge risk, so whatever.
November 19, 2012 at 8:04 pm
spookymilk
Their commercials apparently were “When you’re out of Schlitz, you’re out of beer.”
November 19, 2012 at 9:34 pm
arustleund
Sorry, my friend, but even with the reference explained, I still would have voted for the other one. I’ve enjoyed most of your other work, though!
November 19, 2012 at 9:40 pm
spookymilk
I wasn’t trying to argue in favor of a vote. I’m suggesting that if something in a piece looks like a reference, you should maybe attempt to find out what it is. Your commentary treated mine like it was an attempt at comedy. You had no idea what I’d done. Your vote has nothing to do with that.
November 20, 2012 at 9:10 am
Rhubarb_Runner
And now I have a stupid jingle earworm going through my head. Thanks. Thanks a lot
November 20, 2012 at 9:11 am
Rhubarb_Runner
and now you do, too!
November 19, 2012 at 10:42 pm
infantsquirrel
I love your joke! It was funny AND had beer and lakes. Win win win.
November 19, 2012 at 8:14 pm
kg2005
#1 is maybe the one of these I get the least. I hope I’m not missing something obvious, but it seems like that lack of consequence really cuts the legs out from under the entry.
The original joke was “Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says ‘You know how to drive this thing?'”. I stole the set up and turned it into a rambling anti-joke. It was enough to amuse myself.
November 19, 2012 at 8:27 pm
mbnovak
You know what was enough to amuse myself? Taking down Commissioner Goofypants when he was holding onto an idol.
November 19, 2012 at 8:30 pm
nibbish
This ought to be a fun next two or three years…
November 19, 2012 at 8:34 pm
mbnovak
It’s day 1, give me a break!
November 19, 2012 at 8:42 pm
nibbish
I’m obviously kidding. I shouldve just let that one pass, sorry.
November 19, 2012 at 8:53 pm
mbnovak
I figured you were kidding, but that there was an ounce of truth to it.
And if razzing KG is wrong, I don’t want to be right. He’s burned me enough times in WW that I owed him Diplomacy and the idol ousting and at least a few more.
November 19, 2012 at 9:03 pm
nibbish
Oh, by all means, razz away. I’ll just be over here, trying to think up a way I couldve done this challenge better.
November 19, 2012 at 8:37 pm
kg2005
…I miss werewolf.
November 19, 2012 at 8:41 pm
mbnovak
Me too. It kept me humble…
November 19, 2012 at 8:38 pm
todahshy
I still think (I am probably wrong about this) that a big reason he even agreed to use the idol on me was because I found it on the site. If he had found it I think it would have been harder for him to use it on me.
Also, I laughed at your joke Erik!
November 19, 2012 at 8:54 pm
mbnovak
I wondered about that. I toyed with the idea of passing on winning immunity that challenge, and trying to get him to give it to me (like, e-mail Kelly that he was giving it to me, not playing it on my behalf). Ultimately figured it was a bit too risky.
November 19, 2012 at 9:17 pm
kg2005
You might have been able to pull that off with some help from your friends. I would have had to be pretty sure that we had the votes that round.
November 19, 2012 at 9:20 pm
kg2005
Not sure, maybe subconsciously that helped. Really though, I thought we had a chance to win the vote. I wasn’t going to screw that up by being selfish and playing immunity on myself.
We deserved to lose that one though. Lean “lucked” into a royal flush? Can’t believe I didn’t see what was right in front of me.
November 19, 2012 at 8:24 pm
nibbish
Judges were too kind to mine. That was probably the most half-assed thing I’ve written for this site. I don’t know if I would’ve beaten Zack with a decent one, though, his was a solid joke with good execution. Good stuff, man.
November 19, 2012 at 11:05 pm
AMR
I could say the same thing for me and Colin.
Bored today, I e-mailed him my stupid entry.
The point: I, AMR, had nothing. (But I did have a set up!)
I spent so danged much time trying to think of a joke or a way to do a joke or anything and had absolutely nothing. So my idea became, how do I build up to that? It was a bit Meta, but hoped it might work. I’d’ve had a chance if Colin had submitted some junk himself. But he didn’t.
He replied to me with his entry and I knew I was cooked.
November 19, 2012 at 8:40 pm
MelissaD
I was really sad when this topic was announced. Since I’d already used up my jokes about the Clap.
November 19, 2012 at 9:08 pm
hungry joe
racking my brain for material, one of my favorite jokes, the interrupting cow, came to mind. however, i couldn’t think of any good way to translate it, and would never have come up with something as good as that. well done.
November 19, 2012 at 9:21 pm
christinapepper
If puns are wrong, I don’t want to be right.
November 19, 2012 at 9:31 pm
yickit
Joaks are not my thing. Excuses may be.
November 19, 2012 at 9:55 pm
Grey
Sarah and Beau win, for me, this week. The frayed knot joke given pathos, and a cute twist on the chicken crossing… nicely done.
November 19, 2012 at 9:59 pm
Grey
I meant Christina. Good thing I caught that, otherwise people might think I misattribute things.
November 20, 2012 at 9:29 am
christinapepper
Aw, thanks! The “frayed knot” joke is one of my favorites, so I was pretty jazzed about Beau’s as well.
November 19, 2012 at 10:08 pm
Beau
I’m blushing
November 19, 2012 at 10:09 pm
hungry joe
i almost attempted the mushroom walks into a bar/fun-guy joke. best i didn’t.
November 19, 2012 at 10:41 pm
infantsquirrel
Dude, fun-guy jokes are always welcome… at least in this dump of a house.
November 19, 2012 at 11:06 pm
AMR
Yes, I dug the ‘fraid not.
And yours.
November 19, 2012 at 10:22 pm
The Dread Pirate
I don’t know if I missed some kind of reference in the character names in story 2, but it didn’t hit me as solidly as the laugh at the end of story 1.
I definitely chose Tim and Simon to suggest where my story was headed (along with some other words). However, I fully expected none of the judges to be able to figure it out and don’t hold it against you at all because it was still quite vague.
November 19, 2012 at 10:38 pm
mbnovak
Tim Salmon I got.
November 19, 2012 at 10:43 pm
infantsquirrel
Beau – I got a Kentucky Fried Movie vibe from yours. Nicely done.
November 19, 2012 at 10:45 pm
Beau
You always get a vibe from me that I’m not trying to put off.
November 20, 2012 at 9:52 am
Grey
I have a feeling that Sarah gets the Kentucky Fried Movie vibe from a lot of things.
November 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm
infantsquirrel
Listen. Just because I like my newscasts pants-free…
November 20, 2012 at 12:07 pm
infantsquirrel
Hey – I wrote a story about a car crash that everybody thought was about a serial killer. Dang readers! 😉
November 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm
mbnovak
Hey, I got that one in the end… and loved it for that.
November 19, 2012 at 11:38 pm
AMR
Since we’re on jokes, here’s one I heard a long time back that I’d never heard elsewhere.
—-
Alaskan Gold Rush. Jim from New York comes out and does pretty well for himself, gains the respect of the old-timers. But they still call him cheechako, and it bugs him to no end.
One day at the saloon, barkeep asks “What’ll it be, cheechako?” Jim can’t take it anymore and asks, “I’ve been here nearly two years, I’ve survived two winters. What do I have to do to lose that name?”
“You want to know what you have to do?”
“Yes, please tell me!”
“There’s three things. You gotta drink a fifth of bourbon without taking a breath, you gotta shoot a grizzly bear, and you gotta fuck a one of our women.”
“That’s it? All three and I’ll be a sourdough?”
“Yeah.” Other patrons nodded in agreement.
“Sounds easy enough. Get me the bottle of bourbon.”
The barkeep opened it and handed it to him. Jim downs it in one breath, grabs his gun, and heads out the door.
A few hours later, Jim staggers back into the saloon, his clothes shredded, his skin cut all to hell, one eye nearly swollen shut. “Find me a squaw!” Jim shouts. “I’ve got to shoot!”
November 20, 2012 at 7:22 am
Play With The Prose II — Challenge #9: Joke | "é rayhahn, rayhahn"
[…] Continued decline? RESULTS […]
November 20, 2012 at 8:39 am
freealonzo
I submitted my coverup story already so I don’t care if the due date is Wednesday or delayed until Monday. Here’s one of my fave jokes:
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Saul, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-fucking-believable!”
November 20, 2012 at 8:43 am
freealonzo
Oh and Spooky I am pretty sure I am 4-4 and not 3-5 on the scorecard. I think you put this last contest as a loss for me.
November 20, 2012 at 9:57 am
Beau
you’re 4-5. This past week’s hasn’t been updated yet.
November 20, 2012 at 10:24 am
freealonzo
I see. I knew I had 4 wins. I ignore the loses.
November 20, 2012 at 9:53 am
mbnovak
To be clear, the next submission is due Sunday night.
November 20, 2012 at 9:56 am
Grey
P.S. Dean Carlson can suck it.
love,
The Wisconsin Badgers
November 20, 2012 at 10:01 am
Rhubarb_Runner
Crap, THAT was the joke I should have used!
Q: What is the difference between a parrot, and a Badger co-ed?
A: You can teach a parrot to say “No”
November 20, 2012 at 10:30 am
freealonzo
Here’s one for those who attended St. John’s:
What’s the first thing a Bennie does when she gets up in the morning?
She gets on the Bennie bus and goes back to St. Joe.
November 20, 2012 at 10:44 am
The Dread Pirate
Since they’re now joining the B1G whatever, I’ll let you in on a little secret.
Q: How do you get a College Park Community College graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
November 20, 2012 at 10:48 am
mbnovak
What’s your point?
Also, that bus was called the “Bus of Shame” but the one back to SJU was called the “Bus of ‘Atta Boy”.
November 20, 2012 at 10:00 am
hungry joe
i started this one, but quickly realized i wasn’t getting it remotely close to 59, so i just finished it for funsies. one of my favorites:
Phil was eyeing the clock, contemplating an early last call as dead as it was, when the front door slammed open and a grizzled, old rummy swayed up to the bar.
“M’whiskey pleaze.”
Phil’s nose confirmed this would be unnecessary. “Sorry, pal, not for you”
Without protest, he turned and left the way he came.
Several minutes and wiped-down pint glasses later, the same old drunk crashed through the side door and staggered back to the bar.
“Whizzkey!”
“I told you no! Now get out of here!”
The old drunk took a step back and furrowed his brow with an almost injured look in his eyes. A staccatoed breath burst through pursed lips, and he tottered to and out the side door.
Phil went back to cleaning, but was shortly distracted by a small commotion from the kitchen behind him. His lifted his head, eyebrows raised. His bemusement was soon replaced by incredulity.
“Oh, no way…”
After a few more increasingly loud clangs and bangs, the old man issued forth through the swinging, stainless steel kitchen door, walked around the bar, and placed himself in front of Phil.
“L’take awhizk pluz *hic*”
Phil face was an amalgam of rage and disbelief.
“For the last goddamned time, absolutely not! Get the hell out of this bar before I toss you out on your ass! And if you come back again, I’m calling the goddamned cops!!”
The old man, with some effort, endeavored to stifle his swaying. Eyebrows meandering independent from each other, he squinted in an attempt to lock on to the bartender.
He sighed through his nostrils and asked, “…Listen, buddy, how many fuckin’ bars do you work at anyway!?”
November 20, 2012 at 10:30 am
Grey
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and surveys the place with an air of disdain.
“I’ll take a 16 yr old scotch, please,” he aims toward the bar.
The bartender looks him over and pours a rail scotch into a lowball and hands it to him. The man takes a drink, spits it all over the bar and says “This scotch is only 3 years old! Give me a 16 yr old scotch.”
The bartender smells a challenge, so he pours a 10 yr scotch and hands it to the man, who promptly spits it all over the bar. “This is a 10 yr scotch! Dammit! Now, give me a decent, 16 yr scotch and it better be free!”
The bartender, suitably impressed, hands him a 12 and a 16 yr scotch and says that they are both free if he can guess which is which. The man does easily, and dumps the 12 yr scotch on the bar and continues to drink the 16.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old drunk slides over with a shot glass, which he puts in front of the man. The man eyes him, and takes the shot, which he spits out immediately. “Jesus, what is this? It tastes like piss!”
The grizzled old drunk winks and says “How old am I?”
November 20, 2012 at 10:36 am
freealonzo
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
November 20, 2012 at 10:59 am
Grey
A Montana Cowboy and a Minnesota cowboy are riding the range together when they come accross a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. The Montana cowboy dismounts and walks over to the sheep, drops his pants and has his way with the sheep. After he’s done he zips up and turns back to the MN cowboy and says “You wanna have a go?”
“Sure,” says the MN cowboy, “but I’m not sure if I can get my head through the fence.”
November 20, 2012 at 11:11 am
eahnpurato
Are we just telling our favorite jokes now? Excellent.
A man is at the doctor’s office for a check-up. After a few minutes the doctor walks into the room with a grim face and shakes his head.
“Sir, I hate to tell you this, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“Why?” asks the man.
“So I can examine you!”
November 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm
mbnovak
Are we just telling our favorite jokes now? Excellent.
Best result I could have hoped for when coming up with the challenge.
November 20, 2012 at 11:18 am
Beau
So two guys were hanging out at the airport terminal bar. One guy says, “Ever have one of those days where nothing comes out right? I was at the ticket counter and the lady working there was this gorgeous, buxom blonde. I meant to say, ‘Can I please have a ticket to Pittsburgh.’ But what came out instead was, ‘Can I please have a picket to Titsburgh!”
The other guy laughed and said, “Yeah, I had the exact same thing happen to me this morning. I was at the dinner table with my wife, having breakfast. I meant to say, ‘Honey, can you please pass the butter.’ Instead, what came out was, ‘You bitch, you’re ruining my life!”
November 20, 2012 at 12:09 pm
infantsquirrel
I have a naked baby joke. I think I’ll keep this one to myself.
November 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm
uberminz
Herewith the only proper “joke” I ever came up with in my comedy career:
How can you tell how far a Hobbit has walked?
Check his Frodometer.
November 20, 2012 at 12:34 pm
mbnovak
I didn’t ever quite come up with anything like that when I was doing standup (for about 6 months when I lived in D.C. I
twas brutal.).Here’s one from those days though: My wife and I are having a baby, and we go to the clinic, and in walks this incredibly young woman who introduces herself as the doctor. I couldn’t believe it. She was this tiny, young thing. She was like a baby doctor. Yeah, our obstetrician was a baby doctor.
November 20, 2012 at 12:36 pm
mbnovak
Did you know I was born without eyelids? Yeah, I just had these clear, thin membranes. Well, they took the skin that was left from my circumcision, and sort of grafted it onto the membranes. I’ve never really had a problem with it, except sometimes I see a little cockeyed…
November 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm
mbnovak
What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit?
Don’t worry, this’ll be quick wasn’t it?
November 20, 2012 at 12:39 pm
mbnovak
A pirate walks into a bar, and he’s got his ship’s steering wheel attached to the front of him, sort of sticking out of his fly.
The bartender asks, “what’s with the wheel coming out of your pants?”
“Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts!”
November 20, 2012 at 4:22 pm
mbnovak
Is this thing on?
November 20, 2012 at 4:35 pm
uberminz
Sadly.
November 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm
infantsquirrel
Just got back from my bachelorette party weekend. I’m so fucked. My head is broken. BROKEN. Now, to write.
November 25, 2012 at 3:44 pm
mbnovak
Rarely have I so anticipated an entry.
November 25, 2012 at 6:24 pm
infantsquirrel
There are pictures of me 1) doing a shot off a drag queen’s ass *and* 2) doing a shot off a drag queen’s leg which, on camera, looks like I am “doing” something else (which is extremely non-Catholic – sorry, Irish side). It was a classy night! Oh! And did you know (I haven’t drank in a while, and never EVER like this) hangover migraines can cause hallucinations? Did you also know that linear algebra is super fun after your best friends throw you into a fiery volcano of shots, drag queens and cupcakes? NEVER. AGAIN. EVER. But the pictures are hilarious.
November 25, 2012 at 6:26 pm
infantsquirrel
I should have just written 59 words describing the Prohibition Bar in the Foshay Showers. I will say, though, that I finally know what it’s like to be IN a Seth Rogen movie.