The Criminals find themselves right back at tribal, so here we go:


Vicki  – I feel bad about this, I wanted it to be different.

Dudgie – My vote is for Dudgie. I just want to reiterate, I think you’re making a big mistake. You both are, but you especially. Fuck you both. Anyways, thanks for making the game fun! Peace out motherfuckers!

By a vote of two to one, SLICK VICKI becomes our fifteenth expulsion from Shermer High School. MICHELLE PRATT is a CDL veteran with a solid grasp on challenges and great enthusiasm for the game. We will miss watching her play!

Unlike island-based Survivor games, we have no buffs. So, um, DROP YOUR JACKETS – Letterman, Jordache Jean, Leather and Straight. That’s right, WE ARE MERGED BITCHES!


All chatting from this point hence shall be in the cafeteria. That means the Bleachers, the Quad, the Counseling Center and the Gym are now officially closed. Don’t let us catch you in there (and we will)!

Further, as my birthday is a national event and results in a three day weekend, we are taking a break. Next challenge will be posted Monday night with the first move due Tuesday night.

Congrats on making it this far! Let the madness commence.



Oh man, I couldn’t be sadder about this, but the Cursed Idol claims another victim.

After 16 days of perfect watchfulness, TAURINE POWERBERRY used the forbidden letter “R” and finds himself the fourteenth elimination. MATTHEW GILMAN is a formidable player and his version of a 1980s Athlete frequently made me snort out loud.

Cursed idols! DO. NOT. TAKE. THEM.

Carry on.

There seems to be a ton of bad blood over at the Criminals hangout, so I won’t belabor the point by waiting for a fourth vote:

Diamond Dave Duper –  And no. I’m not going to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. My mom is getting fucked by Taurine, and you’re fucking our team with your immaturity.

Diamond Dave Duper –

Haiku for you:

My vote is for Dave.
What a fucking dickhead move.
Be a jerk elsewhere.

Diamond Dave Duper – no comment. Too annoyed.

By a vote of 3 to 1 (presumably), DIAMOND DAVE DUPER is the thirteenth student released from detention. CATHERINE BEER is an old hat at online survivor and a formidable foe, but a newbie to this format. She found it not quite her bag of tea.

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We don’t actually have all the votes, but I’m fairly certain we never will have, so let’s do this:

Goose (self)

Goose – what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

Goose – because he played “duck, duck” so often.


Goose – it’s time for him to spread his wings and fly.

By a vote of five to zero, GARY “GOOSE” MURDOCK finds himself free of detention. JESSE VANCE was pretty engaged in this game up until about 12 days ago, at which time he apparently headed south for the summer … or something. Anyway, now we have perfect symmetry, which pleases my tiny little bit of OCD.

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Criminals have had a hard week. Let’s get it over with.

Sweet Susie Dalton

Sweet Susie Dalton

Slicky Vicki

Sweet Susie Dalton – I’m a little sad about it, so no smartass reference to Trashcan Jan this time. <— Except for that one there.

Sweet Susie Dalton

By a vote of four to one, SWEET SUSIE DALTON BECOMES OUR 11TH ELIMINATED STUDENT.  We’ll miss you, KARI BERHOW, and hope you’ll play again.

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Seems like we just barely did this, but here we go again:

Sweet Susie Dalton (self vote)

Sweet Susie Dalton

Crazy Joe South – I don’t know why you’ve gone against us twice in the challenges. I mostly think it’s been on accident, but I don’t want to take the chance that it’s not. Sorry dude.

Crazy Joe South

Crazy Joe South – I wanted to vote for Trashcan Jan. For reasons that nobody will explain to me, apparently she’s immune. Whatever. I’ve got my eye on you, Jan. So I’m voting Joe. I hate to lose a relatively engaged warm body, but what can you do?

Crazy Joe South

By a vote of four to two, the tenth person eliminated is CRAZY JOE SOUTH. SUSAN WALKER made a decent criminal and I’m currently missing my wallet, so I’ll be following up with her later.

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Feels like forever since we’ve kicked someone out, huh? So let’s do this.

Vote Hoyt

Vote Brock

Vote Brock, he didn’t inhale.

Vote Brock

Vote Brock

By a vote of four to one, BROCK ROMANESCO is the ninth person sent packing from detention. ERIC SCHAPP had some stuff come up and we wish him the best. We’re going to miss him though … that man can gif with the best of them.

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Hey students! I had no idea that challenge was going to drone on like that. Upside, you guys kept busy while I moved and hooked up new internet. Side note, when in doubt, ask about the rules. Anyway, let’s boot someone outta school, shall we?

Mushroom Clyde – I kind of officially have to selfie, but I feel very guilty about doing so. No insult to this game of abundant awesomeness, I’d just rather my part-time ass hot kicked than someone who’s actually involved.

Mushroom Clyde

Mushroom Clyde

Mushroom Clyde

Mushroom Clyde

I assume he meant “got kicked” instead of “hot kicked,” but I kind of liked it. Eighth person eliminated from detention is MUSHROOM CLYDE. MICHAEL DEIGHTON struggled to be present despite the fact that he sleeps when everyone else is playing. He is always a delight, even when driving us nuts with his schedule.

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We’ll go to the least exciting vote first . . . the Criminals

Legs Malloy (self vote)

Legs Malloy

Legs Malloy. I had so many plans for you. You were my imaginary sock puppet friend. We promised each other a final 2, but your real life counterpart never showed up and now sock puppet Legs Malloy will never get to be the sock puppet color commentator I wanted.

Legs Malloy

Legs Malloy

Legs Malloy

Legs Malloy

By a vote of seven to zero, LEGS MALLOY is the sixth person expelled from Shermer High. MIKE HEBRANKO seemed eager to play but was plagued with real life shit and then just lost his will to go on. I hope he’ll try again some time.

Next vote is the Princesses:

Princess Penelope Pewwater

Cherry Blossom

Princess Penelope Pewwater

Cherry Blossom

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Well, votes are in, so might as well get to it:

Vote Clarissa Hinch – Need to show up at all times. Not just the important ones.

Vote Clarissa Hinch – you would think in 27 years she would be able to explain it by now.

Vote Gary “Goose” Murdock – not happy with this vote as everyone has contribued well at this point. Good playing with you but, I mean, seriously who’s butt did you kiss to get in here anyway.

Vote Clarissa Hinch

Vote Clarissa Hinch

Vote Clarissa Hinch

Fifth person expelled from Shermer High is CLARISSA HINCH. Have you no respect for dreamy blue eyes and great dimples, Athletes?! COLIN WOOLSTON goes the way of Brooks and Zack here. I shall struggle to go on anyway.

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Your competition, and also you



I: Rachel “The Double-Dealer” Flynn

II: Ryan “The Snake” Fossum

III: Patrick “The Gentleman” Kozicky

IV: Brienne “The Submitter” Maner

V: Rusty “The Porn Star” Greene

VI: Brooks “The Unlikely Hero” Maki

VII: William “The Soulful” Schuth

VIII: Brooks “The Survivor” Maki

IX: Zack “The Ice Cream Man” Sauvageau

X: Pete “The Vacuum Cleaner” Bruzek

Turbo: Brooks “The 1956-1979 Montreal Canadiens” Maki

XI: Matt “The Cold-Hearted Motherf*&^er” Novak

All-Stars (XII): Andy “The Quiet Man” Rustleund

XIII: Sarah “Clarence’s Hope” Bizek

XIV: Dan “The Professional” Kautz

XV: Christina “Assault And” Pepper

XVI: Matt “The First-Time Player” Novak

XVII: Stacy “Saintly Patience” Snell

XVIII: Brian “Checkmate” David

XIX: Annette “Eammon for the Top” Barron

XX: Daniel “Neville “Smash “Hardware” Hardwood” Longbottom” Caouette

XXI: Pete “The Comeback Kid” Bruzek

XXII: Dan “The Even More Professional” Kautz

XXIII: In Progress

I: Dragging Rivet’s Name Through the Mud One Last Time: Matt Novak (Ultragrandpa) and Michael Rivet (Friph Flipher-Fiph)
II: Bahambo Number 5: Pete “Triple Crown” Bruzek and Michelle “Single Tiara…So Far” Pratt

I: Brooks “Oh, for the Love of God” Maki
II: Michael “#DDB” Rivet
III: Pete “Fortune’s Fool” Bruzek
IV: Erin “All Seven and We’ll Watch Them Fall” Leslie
V: Jake “Littlefinger” Elliott

2014: Brooks “The Creator” Maki
2015: Matt “The Artist” Novak
2016: Matt “Waited Them Out” Novak
2017: Annette “I Would’ve Voted for You” Barron

Kelly “Yes, He’s a Player Too” Wells

Link to the Cutthroat Junction site. Over there, we do once-a-month strategic mega-games while the champion defends his title in a one-on-one. Head over to see how it works.

2013: #21 Greg “The Gallant Glutton of Greatness” Johnson
2014: #29 Jonathon “Big Papa” Pope
2015: #8 Christina “Am I in This?” Pepper
2016: #22 Annette “No Backs Stabbed” Barron
2017: #30 Bernice “The Vulture” Nicaise
2018: #17 Carrie “Solid Gold” Bard

(Writing, non-elimination)
I: Sarah “Centipede Face” Johnson
II: Sarah “The Johnson Eliminator” Wreisner
III: Colin “Lonely Old Moon” Woolston
IV: Melissa “Not Sidebar Material” Diamond
V: Sama “No Family Reunions” Smith
VI: Sarah “Tumor Face” Wreisner
VII: John “Cult Following” Wreisner
VIII: Joshua “Peed the Bed” Longman
VIII: Annette “Oh, Right, That’s Who Won” Barron

WEREWOLF (most recent)

Werewolf Stats Spreadsheet

I (Pure): Matthew “The Obsessor” Gilman
I (Power): Kelly “The Novak-Destroyer” Wells

I: Matt “Exploiter of Worlds” Novak (France)



Annette Barron
Dan Kautz
Christina Pepper
Zack Sauvageau

18th: Laurel Ogren (T3AM)
17th: Raymond Camper (Khan’s Sore Blueberries)
16th: Brooks Maki (Khan’s Sore Blueberries)
15th: Melissa David (Khan’s Sore Blueberries)
14th: Sarah Bizek (Willy)
13th: Colin Woolston (Khan’s Sore Blueberries)
12th: Jeph Novak (T3AM)
11th: Shawn Ashley (Khan’s Sore Blueberries)
10th: erik sunshine
9th: Ken Krouner
8th: Bret Highum
7th: Matt Novak
6th: Jared Cedar
5th: Jonathon Pope

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