Try as they might, the competitors felt it slipping from their grasp. Everything they did was just wrong. What were they missing? Colin thought he had an idea. He laid in wait that evening, watching to see what would happen, when suddenly… His heart was ripped out by Freddy Krueger. Or at least it felt like it.

 

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“There’s no second chance in the real fight!”

Killed Colin Prime
Role: Ibuki
Alignment: Good
Abilities: Can track a player to determine if they performed a night action that night.

 

ZG (day 1, Good, too sexy for this life)
mbnovak (day 1, Evil, ate a Sonic Boom)
kg2005 (night 1, Good face bashed in)
StacyStace (day 2, Good, too peaceful)
baconburgerdogs (day 2, Good, silenced but quick)
MelissaD (night 3, Good, honest to a fault)
spookymilk (day 4, Evil, hung with care)
daneekasghost (night 4, Good, asked the wrong questions)
todahshy (day 5, Good, totally shocking)
Colin Prime (night 5, Good, out hunted)
abbyszoo
joepunman
nettiebarron
bhiggum
xxtdiddyxx

 

 

I combed CdL’s archives to try to steal something that hadn’t been done in a while. I think I found just the ticket.

Letter of Resignation

This was run during Survivor VII and VIII. Which, coincidentally, were the two times I judged Survivor. So I know what I’m doing. Here’s what you need to do:

Write a letter of resignation for a public figure, either real or fictional, dead or alive. So, Steve Jobs and Dora the Explorer would both work. NOW MELISSA READ THIS NEXT PART, SINCE IT TELLS YOU WHAT YOU CANNOT DO.  Okay, the only stipulation is that you can’t write about a politician. Partly as to not test anyone’s sensibilities. Mostly because political jokes tend to suck. So yeah, Melissa, don’t write about George Washington and say he should count because he didn’t believe in a party system and therefore really wasn’t a politician.

Word Limit: 225

I’m also running this challenge as an excuse to repost one of my favorite bits in the history of CdL. Below is an example of what would get you a gold medal from me. This was written by a guy named Andrew during Survivor VII.

World Hide-and-Seek Association
1 El Dorado Way
Shangri-La

Dear Grand Council:

It is with great reluctance I write to you to resign my title as World Hide-and-Seek Champion. Being the title-holder for the last two years has been a great honor, but I can continue no more. Though “Olly-Olly-oxen-free” has not been called, I must leave my hiding place, in clear violation of the rules of our guild. My family is driving me nuts. Papa snores like a bear, and my sister won’t stay on her side of the bed. It has become too much to bear. As is tradition, I have kept a journal detailing my time as Champion. I wish the Council success in finding and declaring a new Champion, especially the “finding” part.

Yours,

Anne Frank

After staring at the broken steel beam from whence Spookymilk’s failed hanging occurred, the competitors knew they were in trouble. He was so clearly behind these late night murders, so assuredly responsible for trying to rig the championship in someone’s favor, but they didn’t know what they could do to stop him. MelissaD thought she had an idea. Perhaps if she simply leveled with spooky, explained what she knew, what her powers foretold, then he would change the errors of his ways and help eliminate the Evil threat. And that’s just what she did. Only it didn’t quite work out the way she planned… 

Her body was discovered in her room the next morning. Her limbs had been torn straight from their sockets, as if by inhuman strength. Where those limbs were inserted… Well… Let’s just say the poor bloke doing the discovering will be spending a small fortune in psychiatric treatment for years to come.

Chun-li

Killed MelissaD
“I need a vacation! Being an inspector isn’t easy!”
Role: Chun-Li
Alignment: Good
Abilities: Each night can view one player for alignment

ZG (day 1, Good, too sexy for this life)
mbnovak (day 1, Evil, ate a Sonic Boom)
kg2005 (night 1, Good face bashed in)
StacyStace (day 2, Good, too peaceful)
baconburgerdogs (day 2, Good, silenced but quick)
MelissaD (night 3, Good, honest to a fault)
abbyszoo
joepunman
nettiebarron
daneekasghost
Colin Prime
todahshy
bhiggum
xxtdiddyxx
spookymilk

IT IS DAY.

Good afternoon prosers! If you heard there was a great, competitive game that the whole world should watch going on today, you were right. Because we got one right here. That is, other than the four people who didn’t show up. But other than that…

You’ll notice the judges scores and comments are a little more aligned this week. I’d like to blame that on the increased quality of the stories. You guys sure do you like getting inspiration from pictures. We came oh so close to our first quad gold.

Results below the jump:

Read the rest of this entry »

Sorry for lack of flavor here. So sick.

Dhalsim got lynched yesterday but today there was….

NO KILL

ZG (day 1, Good, too sexy for this life)
mbnovak (day 1, Evil, ate a Sonic Boom)
kg2005 (night 1, Good face bashed in)
StacyStace (day 2, Good, too peaceful)
abbyszoo
joepunman
nettiebarron
daneekasghost
Colin Prime
todahshy
MelissaD
bhiggum
xxtdiddyxx
baconburgerdogs
spookymilk 

IT IS DAY.

 

I may never get around to the game posts, but hey, we’ve got this! It’s easily the longest podcast ever owing to the fact that we had ten people, but it seemed pretty fun.

Let me know about the audio. Mine’s cutting out, but I think it’s my computer.

“It appears that Guile and F.A.N.G. had a secret duel in chambers last night. They killed each other!” exclaims the dwarf man.

“Yes well, I’m not so much concerned about that as I am that I don’t know who to declare the winner! How the hell do I work a bracket with two dead people!?”

There would be more than that to worry about however, as the text that just popped up on his phone included a picture.

The picture was of a decapitated contestant, head bashed in and mutilated, wearing the traditional pink karate gi of Dan Hibiki.

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“Yahoo! Don’t you just love that phrase? YAHOO! YAHOO! YAHOO!”

Killed kg2005

Role: Dan Hibiki

Alignment: Good

Abilities: Taunt – Targets 2 players – “A” & “B” each night. Every action that “A” performs that night and next day is now directed at “B” – including votes.

Player List

kg2005 (night 1, Good, face bashed in)
spookymilk
abbyszoo
StacyStace
joepunman
mbnovak (day 1, Evil, ate a Sonic Boom)
nettiebarron
daneekasghost
Colin Prime
todahshy
MelissaD
ZG (day 1, Good, too sexy for this life)
bhiggum
xxtdiddyxx
baconburgerdogs

IT IS DAY.

pic2797788

 

“Welcome! Welcome! Welcome to the World Warrior competition! We have scoured the globe to find the best fighters and thus you sit before us today! In just a few moments…”

A squat, dwarf of a man runs on the stage, waving frantically.

“What is it man?!”

“It’s Remy. He’s… He’s… They killed him!”

“Remy? That whiny, emo, bitch? Err, I mean… That’s terrible! These fights aren’t supposed to be to the death. But sometimes things happen. Why did they start early?”

“No! He’s been torn to pieces in his bunk!”

“Err, um, everyone calm down! The competition will proceed as planned! I’m sure this is nothing. There is no reason to panic at all, even knowing there’s a murderer on the loose. EVERYONE RELAX!!!”

The announcer rushes off stage with the dwarf man, leaving the fifteen of you to yourselves. Clearly, the best solution is to find out who’s responsible and hang them in their room. When the killing stops, you’ve got ’em!

kg2005
spookymilk
abbyszoo
StacyStace
joepunman
mbnovak
nettiebarron
daneekasghost
Colin Prime
todahshy
MelissaD
ZG
bhiggum
xxtdiddyxx
baconburgerdogs

IT IS DAY.

 

 

Folks, forgive me for turning The International House of Lactose into my own personal soapbox for just a moment. I’ve been hanging around here for a couple of years now, and I believe I’ve got a handle on the kind of person who comes here. You are people who get a lot of enjoyment out of competition, consideration, mental gymnastics, and dick-jokes. Well, I’m here to tell you that three of those four things can be found IN ABUNDANCE in “The Witness,” a new video game I just can’t shut up about.

Guys, you’ve glanced at the BiCuriosities I’ve created. The puzzles and brain teasers and quizlets that I enjoy making. So you know I’m down wit’ da puzz. And I’m telling you without hyperbole: “The Witness” is the best puzzle-based video game I’ve ever played. In fact, it may be the most satisfying, edifying, epiphanic puzzle of ANY kind I’ve ever encountered. If you’ve enjoyed any of my puzzles at any point, I have no doubt in my mind that “The Witness” will make you very, very happy.

I’m not gonna go into detail about what the game is, or what it’s like; you can see any number of online reviews and think-pieces that’ll explain that for me. More than that, though, this truly is a game experience you’re better off entering as unspoilered as possible. But I’m telling you, if you have a gaming PC or a PS4, and you enjoy that sweet exhilaration that occurs when an internal paradigm shift happens and you have that full-body EUREKA moment, you owe it to yourself to drop some cash on this game.

Seriously. No kidding. I can’t even explain how often you get a braingasm while playing. Also the game is gorgeous. Okay. I’ll stop now. Thanks for reading, and thanks to Kelly for letting me post this.

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Your competition, and also you

HALL OF CHAMPIONS

SPOOKYMILK SURVIVOR

I: Rachel "The Double-Dealer" Flynn

II: Ryan "The Snake" Fossum

III: Patrick "The Gentleman" Kozicky

IV: Brienne "The Submitter" Maner

V: Rusty "The Porn Star" Greene

VI: Brooks "The Unlikely Hero" Maki

VII: William "The Soulful" Schuth

VIII: Brooks "The Survivor" Maki

IX: Zack "The Ice Cream Man" Sauvageau

X: Pete "The Vacuum Cleaner" Bruzek

Turbo: Brooks "The 1956-1979 Montreal Canadiens" Maki

XI: Matt "The Cold-Hearted Motherf*&^er" Novak

All-Stars (XII): Andy "The Quiet Man" Rustleund

XIII: Sarah "Clarence's Hope" Bizek

XIV: Dan "The Professional" Kautz

XV: Christina "Assault And" Pepper

XVI: Matt "The First-Time Player" Novak

XVII: Stacy "Saintly Patience" Snell

XVIII: Brian "Checkmate" David

GODS AND MORTALS
I: Dragging Rivet's Name Through the Mud One Last Time: Matt Novak (Ultragrandpa) and Michael Rivet (Friph Flipher-Fiph)

BIG BROTHER
I: Brooks "Oh, for the Love of God" Maki
II: Michael "#DDB" Rivet
III: Pete "Fortune's Fool" Bruzek

FALL, CAESAR
2014: Brooks "The Creator" Maki
2015: Matt "The Artist" Novak

CUTTHROAT JUNCTION CHAMPION
Kelly "Yes, He's a Player Too" Wells

Link to the Cutthroat Junction site. Over there, we do once-a-month strategic mega-games while the champion defends his title in a one-on-one. Head over to see how it works.

THE ROYAL RUMBLE
2013: #21 Greg "The Gallant Glutton of Greatness" Johnson
2014: #29 Jonathon "Big Papa" Pope
2015: #8 Christina "Am I in This?" Pepper
2016: #22 Annette "No Backs Stabbed" Barron

PLAY WITH THE PROSE
(Writing, non-elimination)
I: Sarah "Centipede Face" Johnson
II: Sarah "The Johnson Eliminator" Wreisner
III: Colin "Lonely Old Moon" Woolston
IV: Melissa "Not Sidebar Material" Diamond
V: Sama "No Family Reunions" Smith
VI: Sarah "Tumor Face" Wreisner
VII: John "Cult Following" Wreisner

WEREWOLF (most recent)
Wolves (daneekasghost, nettiebarron and rockitlikeroxanne)

Werewolf Stats Spreadsheet

PUZZLE CHALLENGE
I (Pure): Matthew "The Obsessor" Gilman
I (Power): Kelly "The Novak-Destroyer" Wells

DIPLOMACY
I: Matt "Exploiter of Worlds" Novak (France)

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