Note: If you’re just popping over, Beau’s half was posted first, and is below.

Here we go. Scoring on my side was way too difficult, and I didn’t even have to bother because there was a non-submitter, but we thought it would be a bit of an insult, or at least lazy-looking.

CarterHayes, VVV

I gave up smoking a few hours ago.
Fortunately, I’m yet to have a craving
Unfortunately, that’s because I died from lung cancer last night
Fortunately, I now have a ton of free time
Unfortunately, there isn’t much to do here
Fortunately, I filled up my Kindle with books in anticipation of a boring afterlife
Unfortunately, the screen on my Kindle DX is too large for me to read in the coffin, so I’m going to have to find another clubhouse
Fortunately, there’s a coffee shop right down the street from the boneyard
Unfortunately, coffee goes right through me
Fortunately, they stuck a plug up my ass when they embalmed me
Unfortunately, it itches, and I can’t quite get my hips high enough for me to scratch down there
Fortunately, I’ve been waiting until after the funeral to rip this massive fart
Unfortunately, that fart wasn’t designed to be used in confined spaces

”Boneyard” is one of my favorite words. It sounds so badass. Anyway, this first entry represents exactly what I love about this challenge; Kindles, buttplugs, and ass-ripping of corpses all make an appearance in twelve lines. As it happened, this one just got a little buried by other great entries. 2

rob, VVV

I gave up smoking a few hours ago.
Fortunately, this should greatly reduce my odds of lung cancer.
Unfortunately, cigarettes were the only thing from keeping me from shooting up
my office.
Fortunately, I have really, really bad aim.
Unfortunately, my office has those god-awful tiny half cubes, so aim isn’t
required.
Fortunately, I couldn’t get any real guns because I failed my background check,
so I am using squirt guns.
Unfortunately, they are really realistic squirt guns, and it turns out my office
has a “zero tolerance” policy.
Fortunately, they don’t press charges; they just fire me and impose a hefty
fine.
Unfortunately, I don’t have enough money to pay the fine as I (until recently)
spent all my disposable income on cigarettes.

A lot of these come full circle with the ending line, but this one does it exceptionally well. 3

Andrew, TWG

I gave up smoking a few hours ago.
Unfortunately, the monkey is back.
Fortunately, he brought back change this time.
Unfortunately, I can’t seem to stop sending the monkey to the gas station with $20 for another pack.
Fortunately, he remembered to get Marlboro Reds this time instead of those damn Menthols.
Unfortunately, he wants me to light up with him.
Fortunately, he can’t find a lighter.
Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get rid of this monkey or my smoking habit.

Heh heh…I smoked Newports back when I was a smoker. I still miss them. Shouldn’t the cravings be gone after eight years? Anyway, I’m not a huge fan of monkey humor as it seems like a fallback for people who are normally unfunny, but I still kind of like this one (the score won’t show it, but I do). 1

GreekHouse, TWG

I gave up smoking a few hours ago.
Unfortunately, I’m still addicted to killing babies.
Fortunately, I run a nursery.
Unfortunately, there hasn’t been much business since children started disappearing.
Fortunately, I also work as a nanny under the alias Muhammad del Fuego.
Unfortunately, del Fuego is wanted in three states.
Fortunately, I just moved to Germany.
Unfortunately, smoking is allowed in bars in Germany.

First of all, what’s wrong with you? Second of all, what’s so wrong with me that I smiled at this one? I can’t get over the hilarious idiocy of “Muhammad del Fuego.” Also, the idea that del Fuego’s temptation to smoke is the most important thing in the end is funny stuff. 4

FirstTimeLongTime, VVV

I gave up smoking a few hours.
Unfortunately I am taking part in the most difficult to me in Spookymilk Survior to this point.
Fortunately my team has been performing strongly.
Unfortunately I can’t seem to write anything that isn’t super vulgar.
Fortunately I think Spooky likes that sort of thing.
Unfortunately I worry he thinks it would be a cheaping out due to his preface of the challenge.
Fortunately I think he likes the movie Adaptation where the writer works himself into the plot.
Unfortunately I keep seeing red lines under unfortunately.
Fortunately I have a pack of cigarettes next to me.
Unfortunately that means I didn’t really give up smoking.

Wow, look at the errors in those first two lines, eh? Who’s drunk-writing, hmmm? I do like adaptation. but in general I don’t find myself enamored with metafiction. Not a bad entry but it doesn’t stand up to the absurdity or cleverness of the others. 1

Rhubarb_Runner, TWG

I gave up smoking a few hours ago.
Fortunately, I probably will only have cravings during high-stress times.
Unfortunately, the 200 lbs. of TNT strapped to the bridge support girder across from me is creating a bit of stress.
Fortunately, the I was able to find a well-concealed location to place the TNT, out of sight from the krauts above me.
Unfortunately, I will no longer be well-concealed after I light the fuse and high-tail it a safe distance away.
Fortunately, I won’t be fumbling for a cigarette during any of this.
Unfortunately, I sure could use that Zippo lighter that I no longer carry…

What an awesome way to get back to the smoking theme. The first switch to ‘unfortunately’ is brilliant and it never really lets up from there. 5

nibbish, TWG

I gave up smoking a few hours ago…
Fortunately, I think I’ll be able to go the rest of my life without a cigarette.
Unfortunately, that’s because I’ve been captured by a tribe of cannibals.
Fortunately, the cravings haven’t really started kicking in yet.
Unfortunately, their cravings for human flesh aren’t similarly checked.
Fortunately, I’m thinking I can get these ropes untied.
Unfortunately, after slipping away, I’ve realized I’m trapped on an island, and the only pack of cigs is in the cannibal camp.
Fortunately, I think I can sneak in without them realizing.
Unfortunately, I can see that I was mistaken in that thought, and I’ve gotten myself recaptured.
Fortunately, I’m back to quitting smoking again.

Cannibals! They haven’t made a Survivor appearance in a while, I don’t think. “Their cravings for human flesh aren’t similarly checked” is a fantastically subtle way to explain the speaker’s dilemma. Scoring this one is getting difficult. 3

Big Mak, VVV

I gave up smoking a few hours ago
Fortunately, I felt better instantly.
Unfortunately, I may have overestimated my newfound health.
Fortunately, there’s only a couple miles left in this marathon.
Unfortunately, I’m in last place.
Fortunately, I can still see the 99-year-old parapalegic up ahead of me.
Unfortunately, I think she’s picking up speed.
Fortunately, I can stop her if I throw this stick just right.
Unfortunately, it got stuck in her spokes and flipped her wheelchair.
Fortunately, finishing this marathon has made me a better person.

This has to be my favorite finishing line. The suggestion that this is a nice little story about victory and self-betterment slays me. Damn, I have no idea how to score the top five or six entries. 4

eschapp, VVV

I gave up smoking a few hours ago.
Unfortunately, I hadn’t left Sunset and was cornered.
Fortunately, the offer was double my dignified rate.
Unfortunately, I thought my conviction was straight.
Fortunately, John offered to help stop the waffling.
Unfortunately, little Corleone did most of the talking.
Fortunately, coming and going he actually paid.
Unfortunately, it was not me getting laid.
Fortunately, for me it was the last pole for cash.
Unfortunately, this “fortune” had made me trash.

In my many years of running Survivor I don’t think an FU entry has ever done a rhyme scheme. Now I’m surprised about that. Anyway, I’m surprised at the poignance of this prostitution entry and I’m surprised that the rhyming gimmick intrigues me rather than turns me away. 3

DK, VVV

I gave up smoking a few hours ago.
Unfortunately, my lungs were already black, shriveled, and useless.
Fortunately, I had the resources to afford a lung transplant.
Unfortunately, all the available lungs were recently corrupted in a freak liquid nitrogen accident.
Fortunately, a matching donor just died after being attacked by an escaped ostrich.
Unfortunately, the only surgeon I could afford has a hook and a gatling gun attached instead of hands.
Fortunately, the hospital flew in a specialist from Pyongyang to help out.
Unfortunately, the specialist misinterpreted the word “lung” and put a liver in my chest.
Fortunately, I can survive while hooked up to a special giant respirator.
Unfortunately, lugging this respirator around makes it awfully tough to get laid.
Fortunately, my left arm still works.

It always comes back to masturbation. Do I need to comment on this? Okay, I will anyway: what’s so smart about this one is that it’s absurd, but all the absurdity actually serves the story. One of my all-time faves here. 6

Eric B.B., TWG

I gave up smoking a few hours ago.
Fortunately, it’s just for Lent.
Unfortunately, at this rate, I’ll never make it.
Fortunately, Lent is only 40 days long.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t count all those pesky Sundays.
Fortunately, it’s not that big of a sacrifice, as far as those go. (I mean Jesus got nailed to a tree, for crying out loud.)
Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t rather crawl in a hole and die. (Or at least light one up.)
Fortunately, I think this intense craving is starting to go away.
Unfortunately, that’s going to have to be my mantra until the end of time.

My past is littered with people who claimed they were giving up smoking for Lent and made it maybe twelve hours. It’s also littered with people who made it all 40 days but didn’t use that opportunity to just quit altogether. I digress. This is one that I do like but is going to get a low score because it’s lost in a shuffle of very strong entries. 2

New Guy, TWG

I gave up smoking a few hours ago.
Unfortunately, my girlfriend is here, and she smokes like a chimney. Not a chimney. A volcano.
Fortunately, she said that if I ever quit, she would quit too.
Unfortunately, I knew deep down that she would sooner give me up than cigarettes.
Fortunately she’s just sitting there fidgeting, not smoking at all.
Unfortunately, I think I know why she’s here, what she came here to say.
Fortunately, I still have some cigarettes left.

You could take my writeup for the last one and copy it here. For me, this one suffers from genre confusion. With as short as it is, I think it needs to commit either to the humor or the sadness of the situation. 2

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Vindictive Voiceless Vagrants: 3.5/3/3.5/2.5/1/-1/2.5 = 2.14
The Winner Group: 2/2.5/4.5/4/2.5/4.5 = 3.33

Beatdown alert! Even if our no-show had showed, it wouldn’t matter…well, it would matter to him, I suppose, as he’s the automatic elimination.

Aw, hungry joe. You broke my heart, kid. You done broke my heart.