Alright, players. We’ve got the results here, but two of them were sent as PDF files (#1 and #3) so I had to cut and paste, and they don’t look as pretty as they did in the initial PDF. If you want to see the PDFs in all their glory, ask for an email.

1 Dean Carlson

Earthquake Devastates China – International Community: Christ Not Another One!
Qinghai Province, China
A devastating 7.1 earthquake leveled Qinghai, the capital of this northwest China province. Although reports are nearly 90% of all buildings were destroyed, the reaction from the international community has been muted.
Qinghai Earthquake Damage
“Christ, another fucking earthquake? What is that like the fourth big one this year?” replied Megan Dupont of the International Red Cross. “I mean sure we feel bad for these guys, but Jesus I’ve still got people in that Haiti shit hole, a couple of crews pissing away their time in Chile, and I just begun coordinating a Indonesia response. I don’t have the people, the energy, or to be frank, the fucking compassion to take on another earthquake relief project.”
The response from the Obama Administration was also tepid. “Enough with these earthquakes o.k.” responded an obviously irritated White House spokesman David Axelrod. “Michelle was just in Haiti and that country is the big suck. I’m sure we have a couple of ratty blankets tucked away in a depot somewhere but that’s it.” Axelrod added, “I mean c’mon China? They have an earthquake every other month. Believe me no one gives a shit about this one.”
…Unfortunately for China, earthquakes are now considered lame.
— Professor Janie Grossman
Efforts to raise money have also faltered. A private fundraising effort via texting ended up raising no money for Qinghai. Unfortunately two numbers were transposed, leading to nearly $13,000 in contributions intended for China to be deposited into the Clara County Green Party community bank account. Mark “Toots” Rayhall, Green Party treasurer, said that they were “just blown away” by all the extra cash. “Dude, we just used it to buy hemp-made Farmer’s Market bags with the Green Party logo.” When informed that the money was intended for earthquake victims in China, Rayhall responded “Whoa bummer. China, huh. Didn’t they just have an earthquake or something? I suppose we could send them any extra hemp bags.”
Professor Janie Grossman is an expert on the international response to natural disasters. “Actually the lack of response is not surprising, given the fact that this is the fourth big earthquake this year. Unfortunately for China, earthquakes are now considered lame. Been there done that so to speak. Also let’s face it. Hurricane Katrina, the SE Asia Tsunami, earthquakes in Haiti and Chile… those were spectacular disasters with great visuals, lots of carnage and glorious destruction. People were exhilarated when watching them on TV. This Qinghai deal’s got nothing.”
Mandy and “Toots” Rayhall
When asked what natural disaster would move people again to help out, Professor Grossman suggested a volcano. “When was the last real huge ass volcano? Mt. St. Helens? That was 30 years ago. You get me a volcano wiping out a poor country’s capital city and I can almost guarantee that Anderson Cooper parachutes in the next morning. Volcanoes, now that’s biblical: Practically a tsunami, massive earthquake, and liquid fire all wrapped in one.

K: I like this. The anger and bitterness that pepper each lead story of The Onion are there, as is a strange turn in the end that lampoons hippies, who aren’t even a factor in the earthquake. Good stuff. Although it could’ve used an editor at times, it’s very true to the Onion spirit throughout.

2 Roman Feeser

Cast Of Glee To Perform In Collapsed Coal Mine

Hollywood, CA- Fresh off a whirlwind tour of Poland, the cast of Glee will be making a stop in Wheeling, WV to entertain grieving families there. We recently caught up with the kids in Warsaw to see how things went and to discuss the future.

Unfortunately, while we found that Glee was only there to help, a state of confusion transpired at the recent funeral of Polish President Lech Kaczynski. It was a record high turnout, but not to pay homage to the dead leader. It was to see the cast of Glee perform at the memorial.

Brtlymj Tomskski, 15, was there. “Oh, they were wearing costumes and singing! I wish I could describe things!” he said. The high school student was asked to comment on the loss of his national leader and replied, “We had a president?”

While the trip did have its challenges, not all was lost while the cast got some much needed free time during the tour. Several of the actors made surprise visits to Polish grade schools, where they taught the children how to use Scotch tape and vowels.

“We also reviewed colors,” smiled Dianna Agron, the white girl on Glee. This proved very useful in teaching several teenagers how to wear undergarments. “Yellow in front, brown in back!” cried Gytr Pilysko. “I love you Glee!”

The cast performed several songs including Dave Matthews’ Crash and the old standby Leaving On A Jet Plane. Both songs are available for download on iTunes. A special dual DVD and Blu-Ray box set of the 2 Stupid 2 Cry concert with deleted scenes, bloopers and outtakes will be available this Christmas.

To be sure, the members of Glee are no strangers to giving. Amber Riley, the fat black one, just returned from Haiti. Lea Michele, the JAP ingenue, just donated shoes to the four homeless Jews on Manhattan’s upper east side. Chris Colfer, the gay one, just completed a 18-minute tour of Africa where he cared for babies with HIV. “Those babies are so brave,” he said. “I may have been the teacher, but they had more than a few things to teach me. Someday, when I get AIDS, I won’t be afraid. I will remember the hope in their eyes.”

While the West Virginia concert plans are still in development, the girls did reveal an exciting surprise. They are planning an extra special tribute of Coal Miner’s Daughter. “We come out pregnant and tweeking on meth to show the results of being raised in a one parent family. People learn best when they are vulnerable,” they explain.

While most are excited for the show, not everyone is so happy. Miner Carl Googin is one of them. “I hope they don’t accidentally get lost in there,” he says. “Shrieking and carrying on until they’re forced to eat each other’s flesh to stay alive,” he continues. “I mean, you never know.”

K: This is a good one too. Cathy tells me it was a re-send, since the first one apparently had too many words; I’d like to see the other eventually. “18-minute tour” is excellent and I like the line about “someday when I get AIDS.” Uhh…maybe saying I “like” it is weird, but you know what I mean. “2 Stupid 2 Cry” is also beautifully mean.

3 Beau

27 December, 1590
ROANOKE COLONY TAKEN IN BY
FRIENDLY CROATANS
Just two months ago John White returned from the New World
with a startling revelation. The Roanoke Colony, settled by White
and 114 other men and women in 1587, had vanished. No traces
of them were found. He reported no signs of struggle, and not one
schilling or carcanet was to be found in the deserted settlement.
All that was left was this carving on a nearby tree. Alarmists are
saying that the Croatan red-skinned tribe murdered the settlers. A
tamer rumour is spreading that the colonists simply set sail back
for Britain and were lost at sea. However, The Turkey has
revealed a more benign truth.
A young apprentice at The Turkey financed an expedition back to Roanoke with funds donated by
the generous fleet of the Spanish Armada. Upon reaching the island, he followed what appeared to
be a rotting trail of bread crumbs to the shore, where a crude raft made of logs and bones awaited
him. The wind guided his vessel to the shores of Croatoan Island, where he quickly encountered the
tribe leaning up against the walls of their teepees and rubbing their stomachs. Our brave journalist
was nervous at first, but he discovered a friendly Indian that brought him briskly to the chief.
Though communication was tough, it was determined the chief’s name was Mohawk Caniba, and
that he had picked up some limited English words from White and his followers. Phrases that were
perspicuous included, “Eleanor, divine!” and “Ananias, nice!” With a sigh of relief, our friend
ascertained that not only did the Croatans know the Roanoke settlers, but thought very highly of
them as well. It was not quite clear what the chief meant by “Virginia Dare, delicious!” but his warm
smile affirmed his well-meaning nature. Their friendship was sealed when a tasty snack–a
drumstick, coming from what could have only been the popular new turkey–was presented as a
gift. Apparently, nothing had ever tasted so good in the New World.
Curiously, there were no sign of the settlers. When asked about their whereabouts, the chief
succintly replied, “More food. Us!” while pointing to his abdomen. It was obvious these Indians
were hungry and required the finely honed skills of our Englishmen to hunt and gather! Our reporter
waited two midnights, but with supplies running low, decided to sail back without an interview from
the heroic wayfarers.
It is likely that with this wonderful news broken, financing an expeditious return trip should be easy,
and in fact plans are already underway. Some may doubt the sincerity of the strange Croatans and
would view such an adventure to be a foolish endeavor. Yet, the final words of the chief (below this
water-color depiction of our new friends) should quell even the harshest skeptics.
“When come back, big feast! You be with friends soon.”

K: Did this person know that I’m a huge sucker for the Roanoke disappearance story? For future reference, I’m also obsessed with Stonehenge (though it appears that we’re solving that one (apparently, it was probably a place where funerals were performed)) and Easter Island. Anyway, there are some good gags here, but some are repeated so it feels a little like a one-trick pony. I like it, but with the first two being so strong, I’ve got to go another way.

4 Brooks Maki

Interview with the Killer – Iceberg claims ‘Titanic started it’

“It was spring, so I was on my annual migration south to melt with this cute piece of ice I met in Greenland last winter, and suddenly, I felt something brush up against me.”

Initially fearing a pickpocket, Ignatius C. Berg was perturbed. “The north Atlantic has become a little bit rougher the past couple of years. You used to be able to float near anywhere up here without having to watch your back. I guess I shouldn’t have been out that late at night, but old habits die hard, you know.”

In this case it wasn’t a pickpocket, but rather the ill-fated ocean liner, that sank and resulted in the deaths of many of its passengers and crew.
“I should have figured, since icebergs don’t carry wallets.”

“I’m just worried that this will color people’s perceptions of icebergs in general. I’m not out seeking trouble, but this happened, and I can’t undo it.”

The apologies sound sincere, but it’s hard to look at Ignatius and not see a cold, frozen heart. When questioned about his icy demeanor, his voice went frosty.

“Always remember, Icebergs are more than what you see on the surface.”

K: Whoa, dig those crazy puns! “I should have figured, since icebergs don’t carry wallets” was right up there with my favorite lines this week. It’s cute enough, but the first two still seem to have more in common with that Onion spirit – making fun of everyone in sight – than the others.

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BEN: Although the others were solid (The Glee one was a great idea), I have to go with China for this one. It did the best job capturing the Onion’s flavor…and no, not simply because it was designed like the Onion.
Love you!

KELLY: I went back to read the first two after the initial read-throughs, much like I did with the five-minute plays. The first one feels more like the Onion than any of the rest (and no, I’m not saying that because he used the Onion header (EDIT AFTER CUTTING AND PASTING: Holy shit, are Ben and I working with one brain here?)) but I’m just laughing too much at the Glee one. Seeing as how I’ve never seen Glee and I still love the hell out of this entry, that’s probably a good sign. I’d forgotten the line “They taught the children to use Scotch tape and vowels,” and that helped put me over the edge, though I was very close to picking the first one.

Anyway, it looks like Immunity goes to DEAN CARLSON and ROMAN FEESER this week in what will make an interesting voting queue, given what we know about things these days. Tiebreakers are the same as always, and on Tuesday (or sooner, if all the votes come in) we’ll re-post Rusty’s Facebook page challenge, which may just be the last one. Good game, everyone present. I think this is the first time I’ve ever had a final four who never missed a challenge between them. In fact, was that true of our final seven?! I think it was.

Cheers, all y’all.