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Despite absolutely no demand whatsoever, I made a Sporcle Quiz containing all 112 players that have ever played the game.

Here it is.

I realize most of you won’t get a lot, but I made this for myself as much as anything. Have fun, y’all!

I never thought I’d share this openly, but I also never thought I’d be playing, and if I have this info then everyone should. Plus, it’s awesome.

Enjoy the history of the game.

Here ya go!

It’s high time I shared these publicly.

Spookymilk Survivor History (Details every player, by game)

Survivor: Average Finish (A list of best to worst players according to average finish)

Team Names: Worst to Best (Not a spreadsheet. Also, not scientific.)

There are spreadsheets from last season and this season to show voting history, too, but I’m not sure that should be for public consumption (certainly not this season’s, at any rate).

Ryan “AdobeRy” Sorrell – Survivor VIII player and Werewolf regular – sends this holiday cheer to those who visit the site.

Just wanted to wish ya’ll a Merry Christmas (or whatever suits you) and wish you happiness and good fortune in the coming year. Thanks to Spooky for having this site and its fun games. Thanks to all the WW mods. Thanks to all the participants in both werewolf and Survivor. You all provide me with free entertainment, lots of good short stories and some incredible ones, lots of laughs and a place to have fun and be creative. It has been fun hanging out here this past year. Thanks!

I will leave you with a classic poem to continue the holiday cheer…

Twas the night before Christmas, on the floor in this house
Spooky started to stir, he was really quite soused;
The stockings still clung to his legs like a bear
That he’d run in, buck naked, ‘cross the yard on a dare;
His children were wide eyed, awake in their beds,
The vision of daddy still stuck in their heads;
The milkmaid’s energy had all but been tapped
Re-taping the gifts that Spooky’d unwrapped;
When out of the kitchen there arose such a clinking,
She got up, fists clenched and thought, “now what’s he drinking!”;
Then Spooky “flew” by in a Plinko like dance,
Straight to the toilet…oops! Tripped over some pants;
So close, almost made it, three feet more to go
But instead on the bathmat dear Spooky did blow;
The loss hit him hard, even brought on a tear
The sight of more wasted Cheaptoy brewed beer;
A sound got him moving to the window right quick
“It couldn’t be could it? It must be a trick”;
But hitched to a sleigh, were some friends from his games
Eight reindeermen, topless, Santa called them by name;
“Now, Nibbish! now, Higgum! now, Meat and DG!
On Greekhouse, on, Colin, on, DK, Ms. Ashley!
Now listen dear Spooky, can’t you hear your wife call?”
Then he blinked and was facing a windowless wall;
Slurry and stumbling, she led him to bed
She aimed for the pillow, he “chose” floor instead;
She threw him a blanket, then turned out the light
And exclaimed to no one, “just a typical night.”

Thank you, Ryan.

Is it “thank you” I’m looking for?

I’ve added seasons V and VI to the Archives. It took a ludicrous amount of time, and I’m still planning on doing the first four seasons at some point. I’m an idiot.

Well, here we are to the final three, which ended up being the final two…which sort of ended up being the final one, since one admittedly had to half-ass the thing and said “Give it to [the other guy]!”

Well, [the other guy] in question did a mighty fine job with the thing, going far beyond what I expected by creating friends (if you can call them that) for the user, a progressive storyline on the main page and a pretty cute bit with margarine.

So, it seems this game is ending with a bit of a thud since there were only two finalists and one lobbied for the other to win, but it’s still worth it to see the winner’s webpage:!/profile.php?id=100001040167481&ref=ts

Character: Unlikely Hero. Mother: Yolanda Hero (this made me laugh, as did her profile pic). “Friend”: Da Heckler. “Friend”: a “mysterious” character named “Likely Evildoer.” Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the tragic story of Unlikely Hero.


From ye olde inboxe:

It is with great sadness that I must inform you that I have to check out of the game. This week is just simply way too busy for me with deadlines and commitments that there is no time for me to even try a challenge of this capacity. I want to say thank you and wish the remaining contestants good luck (Roman Feeser)


Like all of the final four, this was Roman’s first game of Survivor. The stuff was gold, man, and it’s a shame about the timing; I’d add a week to the deadline but I do try to stick with everything I post initially. I assume what’s coming together are all the writing gigs? If so, all our best to you. If you get famous, don’t forget…um…me, mostly. To hell with Ben and everyone else.

So that leaves us with BROOKS AND DEAN, which is a little too close to Brooks and Dunn for my liking, but what’s a judge to do? This guarantees that the winner will be named this very week, and also guarantees that Ben and I will have 33% less to judge, so at least that’s something.

Good game, Roman. Cheers.

Right to it. Fourth place goes to:

Vote One: Brooks Maki.

Vote Two: Beau. “Beau. I agonized over this vote for a long time before deciding to vote for the person that is not me. ”

Vote Three: Beau.

Vote Four: Beau. “We never thought it would get to this so I am sad to say that I took the weenie way out and did a coin flip. Alas, Beau lost and I vote for him to be eliminated.”


So here we are; after the two months of non-submissions, judge lateness, and people taking the game too seriously, it comes to this: Rusty’s final challenge. I’ll cut and paste here.



Open and create a fictional profile on Facebook using only one of the following series of themes. Friend Kelly and Ben by Sunday in the AM.

1. A 37-year-old sous chef from the Deep South. Profile must feature unicorns, Uno, and Brokeback Mountain.

2. A struggling 23-year-old performance artist from the West Coast. Profile must feature margarine, an iPad and Crayons.

3. A 40-year old Mormon from the Northwest. Profile must include Yoda, bananas and cognac.

4. A 30-year-old secretary from the Northeast. Profile must include The Wall Street Journal, oxen and an umbrella.

5. A retired 67-year old widow from the Midwest. Profile must include pajamas, Adam Lambert, and a garden hose.

Friendships will be given 1 to 5 points in the following categories:

a. Intentional hilarity.
b. Unintentional poignance.
c. Ingenuity in use of given themes.
d. General creativity.
e. Overall effectiveness of profile.

The friend with the most points wins the challenge and his or her creator wins KellyFace Survivor.


You know? Back when Rusty won this challenge I thought I was going to want to make minor changes to the scoring, but I think it’s pretty great as it is. Get crackin’, Survivors. I won’t put any limits on the amount of content this time, which means we might end up judging for a good month, but hey: it’s been the shortest game of Survivor ever, so what’s a few extra weeks? (I keed, I keed…we hope to have results on that day or the next).

In the unlikely event of a tie, we’ll have one more challenge. Otherwise, the next post will contain links to all three pages, comments, and your winner. In the meantime, I’ll be trying to figure out a way to run this game without inevitably driving people batshit crazy.

Cheers, Finalists. Good game.

Alright, players. We’ve got the results here, but two of them were sent as PDF files (#1 and #3) so I had to cut and paste, and they don’t look as pretty as they did in the initial PDF. If you want to see the PDFs in all their glory, ask for an email.

1 Dean Carlson

Earthquake Devastates China – International Community: Christ Not Another One!
Qinghai Province, China
A devastating 7.1 earthquake leveled Qinghai, the capital of this northwest China province. Although reports are nearly 90% of all buildings were destroyed, the reaction from the international community has been muted.
Qinghai Earthquake Damage
“Christ, another fucking earthquake? What is that like the fourth big one this year?” replied Megan Dupont of the International Red Cross. “I mean sure we feel bad for these guys, but Jesus I’ve still got people in that Haiti shit hole, a couple of crews pissing away their time in Chile, and I just begun coordinating a Indonesia response. I don’t have the people, the energy, or to be frank, the fucking compassion to take on another earthquake relief project.”
The response from the Obama Administration was also tepid. “Enough with these earthquakes o.k.” responded an obviously irritated White House spokesman David Axelrod. “Michelle was just in Haiti and that country is the big suck. I’m sure we have a couple of ratty blankets tucked away in a depot somewhere but that’s it.” Axelrod added, “I mean c’mon China? They have an earthquake every other month. Believe me no one gives a shit about this one.”
…Unfortunately for China, earthquakes are now considered lame.
— Professor Janie Grossman
Efforts to raise money have also faltered. A private fundraising effort via texting ended up raising no money for Qinghai. Unfortunately two numbers were transposed, leading to nearly $13,000 in contributions intended for China to be deposited into the Clara County Green Party community bank account. Mark “Toots” Rayhall, Green Party treasurer, said that they were “just blown away” by all the extra cash. “Dude, we just used it to buy hemp-made Farmer’s Market bags with the Green Party logo.” When informed that the money was intended for earthquake victims in China, Rayhall responded “Whoa bummer. China, huh. Didn’t they just have an earthquake or something? I suppose we could send them any extra hemp bags.”
Professor Janie Grossman is an expert on the international response to natural disasters. “Actually the lack of response is not surprising, given the fact that this is the fourth big earthquake this year. Unfortunately for China, earthquakes are now considered lame. Been there done that so to speak. Also let’s face it. Hurricane Katrina, the SE Asia Tsunami, earthquakes in Haiti and Chile… those were spectacular disasters with great visuals, lots of carnage and glorious destruction. People were exhilarated when watching them on TV. This Qinghai deal’s got nothing.”
Mandy and “Toots” Rayhall
When asked what natural disaster would move people again to help out, Professor Grossman suggested a volcano. “When was the last real huge ass volcano? Mt. St. Helens? That was 30 years ago. You get me a volcano wiping out a poor country’s capital city and I can almost guarantee that Anderson Cooper parachutes in the next morning. Volcanoes, now that’s biblical: Practically a tsunami, massive earthquake, and liquid fire all wrapped in one.

K: I like this. The anger and bitterness that pepper each lead story of The Onion are there, as is a strange turn in the end that lampoons hippies, who aren’t even a factor in the earthquake. Good stuff. Although it could’ve used an editor at times, it’s very true to the Onion spirit throughout.

2 Roman Feeser

Cast Of Glee To Perform In Collapsed Coal Mine

Hollywood, CA- Fresh off a whirlwind tour of Poland, the cast of Glee will be making a stop in Wheeling, WV to entertain grieving families there. We recently caught up with the kids in Warsaw to see how things went and to discuss the future.

Unfortunately, while we found that Glee was only there to help, a state of confusion transpired at the recent funeral of Polish President Lech Kaczynski. It was a record high turnout, but not to pay homage to the dead leader. It was to see the cast of Glee perform at the memorial.

Brtlymj Tomskski, 15, was there. “Oh, they were wearing costumes and singing! I wish I could describe things!” he said. The high school student was asked to comment on the loss of his national leader and replied, “We had a president?”

While the trip did have its challenges, not all was lost while the cast got some much needed free time during the tour. Several of the actors made surprise visits to Polish grade schools, where they taught the children how to use Scotch tape and vowels.

“We also reviewed colors,” smiled Dianna Agron, the white girl on Glee. This proved very useful in teaching several teenagers how to wear undergarments. “Yellow in front, brown in back!” cried Gytr Pilysko. “I love you Glee!”

The cast performed several songs including Dave Matthews’ Crash and the old standby Leaving On A Jet Plane. Both songs are available for download on iTunes. A special dual DVD and Blu-Ray box set of the 2 Stupid 2 Cry concert with deleted scenes, bloopers and outtakes will be available this Christmas.

To be sure, the members of Glee are no strangers to giving. Amber Riley, the fat black one, just returned from Haiti. Lea Michele, the JAP ingenue, just donated shoes to the four homeless Jews on Manhattan’s upper east side. Chris Colfer, the gay one, just completed a 18-minute tour of Africa where he cared for babies with HIV. “Those babies are so brave,” he said. “I may have been the teacher, but they had more than a few things to teach me. Someday, when I get AIDS, I won’t be afraid. I will remember the hope in their eyes.”

While the West Virginia concert plans are still in development, the girls did reveal an exciting surprise. They are planning an extra special tribute of Coal Miner’s Daughter. “We come out pregnant and tweeking on meth to show the results of being raised in a one parent family. People learn best when they are vulnerable,” they explain.

While most are excited for the show, not everyone is so happy. Miner Carl Googin is one of them. “I hope they don’t accidentally get lost in there,” he says. “Shrieking and carrying on until they’re forced to eat each other’s flesh to stay alive,” he continues. “I mean, you never know.”

K: This is a good one too. Cathy tells me it was a re-send, since the first one apparently had too many words; I’d like to see the other eventually. “18-minute tour” is excellent and I like the line about “someday when I get AIDS.” Uhh…maybe saying I “like” it is weird, but you know what I mean. “2 Stupid 2 Cry” is also beautifully mean.

3 Beau

27 December, 1590
Just two months ago John White returned from the New World
with a startling revelation. The Roanoke Colony, settled by White
and 114 other men and women in 1587, had vanished. No traces
of them were found. He reported no signs of struggle, and not one
schilling or carcanet was to be found in the deserted settlement.
All that was left was this carving on a nearby tree. Alarmists are
saying that the Croatan red-skinned tribe murdered the settlers. A
tamer rumour is spreading that the colonists simply set sail back
for Britain and were lost at sea. However, The Turkey has
revealed a more benign truth.
A young apprentice at The Turkey financed an expedition back to Roanoke with funds donated by
the generous fleet of the Spanish Armada. Upon reaching the island, he followed what appeared to
be a rotting trail of bread crumbs to the shore, where a crude raft made of logs and bones awaited
him. The wind guided his vessel to the shores of Croatoan Island, where he quickly encountered the
tribe leaning up against the walls of their teepees and rubbing their stomachs. Our brave journalist
was nervous at first, but he discovered a friendly Indian that brought him briskly to the chief.
Though communication was tough, it was determined the chief’s name was Mohawk Caniba, and
that he had picked up some limited English words from White and his followers. Phrases that were
perspicuous included, “Eleanor, divine!” and “Ananias, nice!” With a sigh of relief, our friend
ascertained that not only did the Croatans know the Roanoke settlers, but thought very highly of
them as well. It was not quite clear what the chief meant by “Virginia Dare, delicious!” but his warm
smile affirmed his well-meaning nature. Their friendship was sealed when a tasty snack–a
drumstick, coming from what could have only been the popular new turkey–was presented as a
gift. Apparently, nothing had ever tasted so good in the New World.
Curiously, there were no sign of the settlers. When asked about their whereabouts, the chief
succintly replied, “More food. Us!” while pointing to his abdomen. It was obvious these Indians
were hungry and required the finely honed skills of our Englishmen to hunt and gather! Our reporter
waited two midnights, but with supplies running low, decided to sail back without an interview from
the heroic wayfarers.
It is likely that with this wonderful news broken, financing an expeditious return trip should be easy,
and in fact plans are already underway. Some may doubt the sincerity of the strange Croatans and
would view such an adventure to be a foolish endeavor. Yet, the final words of the chief (below this
water-color depiction of our new friends) should quell even the harshest skeptics.
“When come back, big feast! You be with friends soon.”

K: Did this person know that I’m a huge sucker for the Roanoke disappearance story? For future reference, I’m also obsessed with Stonehenge (though it appears that we’re solving that one (apparently, it was probably a place where funerals were performed)) and Easter Island. Anyway, there are some good gags here, but some are repeated so it feels a little like a one-trick pony. I like it, but with the first two being so strong, I’ve got to go another way.

4 Brooks Maki

Interview with the Killer – Iceberg claims ‘Titanic started it’

“It was spring, so I was on my annual migration south to melt with this cute piece of ice I met in Greenland last winter, and suddenly, I felt something brush up against me.”

Initially fearing a pickpocket, Ignatius C. Berg was perturbed. “The north Atlantic has become a little bit rougher the past couple of years. You used to be able to float near anywhere up here without having to watch your back. I guess I shouldn’t have been out that late at night, but old habits die hard, you know.”

In this case it wasn’t a pickpocket, but rather the ill-fated ocean liner, that sank and resulted in the deaths of many of its passengers and crew.
“I should have figured, since icebergs don’t carry wallets.”

“I’m just worried that this will color people’s perceptions of icebergs in general. I’m not out seeking trouble, but this happened, and I can’t undo it.”

The apologies sound sincere, but it’s hard to look at Ignatius and not see a cold, frozen heart. When questioned about his icy demeanor, his voice went frosty.

“Always remember, Icebergs are more than what you see on the surface.”

K: Whoa, dig those crazy puns! “I should have figured, since icebergs don’t carry wallets” was right up there with my favorite lines this week. It’s cute enough, but the first two still seem to have more in common with that Onion spirit – making fun of everyone in sight – than the others.


BEN: Although the others were solid (The Glee one was a great idea), I have to go with China for this one. It did the best job capturing the Onion’s flavor…and no, not simply because it was designed like the Onion.
Love you!

KELLY: I went back to read the first two after the initial read-throughs, much like I did with the five-minute plays. The first one feels more like the Onion than any of the rest (and no, I’m not saying that because he used the Onion header (EDIT AFTER CUTTING AND PASTING: Holy shit, are Ben and I working with one brain here?)) but I’m just laughing too much at the Glee one. Seeing as how I’ve never seen Glee and I still love the hell out of this entry, that’s probably a good sign. I’d forgotten the line “They taught the children to use Scotch tape and vowels,” and that helped put me over the edge, though I was very close to picking the first one.

Anyway, it looks like Immunity goes to DEAN CARLSON and ROMAN FEESER this week in what will make an interesting voting queue, given what we know about things these days. Tiebreakers are the same as always, and on Tuesday (or sooner, if all the votes come in) we’ll re-post Rusty’s Facebook page challenge, which may just be the last one. Good game, everyone present. I think this is the first time I’ve ever had a final four who never missed a challenge between them. In fact, was that true of our final seven?! I think it was.

Cheers, all y’all.

Are you ready?!!?!?! Ready for the second (or third) to last challenge? Rusty’s FB page challenge will be next week, but I’m changing the endgame a little bit since we’ve always had the last few eliminated people pick the winner, and it’s become clear that just enough of them have stopped paying attention by then that I should just have us do it ourselves. Anyway, plenty of time for explanations later…right now I should let you know if it even affects you.

Vote One: Jason Harber. “Mr. Harber. You’ve been a good teammate, sir. Wish you could stay longer. ”

Vote Two: Dean Carlson. “Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go. LET HIM GO!”

Vote Three: Dean Carlson.

Vote Four: Jason Harber. “Thanks for your vote against Rusty a couple of weeks ago. It was quite useful.”

Vote Five: Jason Harber. “Only because I’m scared of him.”


…so, I guess you don’t have to be scared of him NOW. Interesting note: the final vote came in just twenty minutes from the deadline, and without it, I think Jason was spared, although I’m not looking back to see. Close call, people…close call.

Interesting note II: with Harber’s elimination, neither Ben nor I have met any of the remaining players in person. Pretty nutty, huh?

So, do you like the game, but think it’s been too sweet and kind-hearted?! If so, what’s wrong with you? I mean: if so, this challenge is for you.

I assume everyone here is pretty well acquainted with “The Onion,” right? Ben and I are obsessed. If you’re not, you SHOULD be. Anyway, it’s a faux news magazine that works mostly through parody and absurdist humor. Sometimes they cross the line, and that’s when the shit really gets funny. Gentlemen and gentlemen, today we ask you to cross the line.

Write a faux news story a la The Onion about a MAJOR TRAGEDY. Serial killers, 911, Pearl Harbor, the recent plane crash that killed a large portion of the Polish government. The story should be written as if the tragedy happened just in the previous day or two.

No other rules, other than keeping it under 500 words. Immunity and tiebreakers are the same as always, as is the due date of Sunday morn.

From there, if you survive, it’ll be off to create Facebook pages, and we’ll be just about done seeing who’s awesome, and which 15 of you just outright suck at life and everything.

It’s been a strong, unpredictable game, and we’re left with four players experiencing their first Survivor. A changing of the guard, as ’twere…or maybe just a statistical anomaly. Either way, congratulations.


Your competition, and also you



I: Rachel “The Double-Dealer” Flynn

II: Ryan “The Snake” Fossum

III: Patrick “The Gentleman” Kozicky

IV: Brienne “The Submitter” Maner

V: Rusty “The Porn Star” Greene

VI: Brooks “The Unlikely Hero” Maki

VII: William “The Soulful” Schuth

VIII: Brooks “The Survivor” Maki

IX: Zack “The Ice Cream Man” Sauvageau

X: Pete “The Vacuum Cleaner” Bruzek

Turbo: Brooks “The 1956-1979 Montreal Canadiens” Maki

XI: Matt “The Cold-Hearted Motherf*&^er” Novak

All-Stars (XII): Andy “The Quiet Man” Rustleund

XIII: Sarah “Clarence’s Hope” Bizek

XIV: Dan “The Professional” Kautz

XV: Christina “Assault And” Pepper

XVI: Matt “The First-Time Player” Novak

XVII: Stacy “Saintly Patience” Snell

XVIII: Brian “Checkmate” David

XIX: Annette “Eammon for the Top” Barron

XX: Daniel “Neville “Smash “Hardware” Hardwood” Longbottom” Caouette

XXI: Pete “The Comeback Kid” Bruzek

XXII: Dan “The Even More Professional” Kautz

XXIII: Melissa “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” David

XXIV: Stacy “Fucking” Snell

I: Dragging Rivet’s Name Through the Mud One Last Time: Matt Novak (Ultragrandpa) and Michael Rivet (Friph Flipher-Fiph)
II: Bahambo Number 5: Pete “Triple Crown” Bruzek and Michelle “Single Tiara…So Far” Pratt

I: Brooks “Oh, for the Love of God” Maki
II: Michael “#DDB” Rivet
III: Pete “Fortune’s Fool” Bruzek
IV: Erin “All Seven and We’ll Watch Them Fall” Leslie
V: Jake “Littlefinger” Elliott

2014: Brooks “The Creator” Maki
2015: Matt “The Artist” Novak
2016: Matt “Waited Them Out” Novak
2017: Annette “I Would’ve Voted for You” Barron

2013: #21 Greg “The Gallant Glutton of Greatness” Johnson
2014: #29 Jonathon “Big Papa” Pope
2015: #8 Christina “Am I in This?” Pepper
2016: #22 Annette “No Backs Stabbed” Barron
2017: #30 Bernice “The Vulture” Nicaise
2018: #17 Carrie “Solid Gold” Bard
2019: #16 Jake “The Jabroni” Elliott

(Writing, non-elimination)
I: Sarah “Centipede Face” Johnson
II: Sarah “The Johnson Eliminator” Wreisner
III: Colin “Lonely Old Moon” Woolston
IV: Melissa “Not Sidebar Material” Diamond
V: Sama “No Family Reunions” Smith
VI: Sarah “Tumor Face” Wreisner
VII: John “Cult Following” Wreisner
VIII: Joshua “Peed the Bed” Longman
VIII: Annette “Oh, Right, That’s Who Won” Barron

WEREWOLF (most recent)

Werewolf Stats Spreadsheet

I (Pure): Matthew “The Obsessor” Gilman
I (Power): Kelly “The Novak-Destroyer” Wells

I: Matt “Exploiter of Worlds” Novak (France)

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