Whew, you guys know how to bring the crap, for sure. Now that it’s all out of your systems, you’ll be ready to write some long, beautiful pieces for the future challenges, right?!?

LESTER SWEETUMS

Rachel woke from from her dream about being in an architecture class. She always hated waking up from those kind of dreams because she never got to go to college.

DK: This one is close, and if I had 6 medals to give this would get one. It’s not quite as showy with its badness (which is usually my weakness on these Bulwyrs) but I see where it’s going and I like it (I mean, I don’t like it).
CP: Starting with waking from a dream is terrible, so therefore it’s a good move for Bulwyr. However, this seems a little too dull to actually be believable as an opening–just “being in an architecture class” is pretty vague.

PRINCESS SPATULA

The wisp of gunsmoke curled into his senses, arousing him. He kicked the dead man over, absently rubbing the hot barrel of his 45 on his crotch while committing the bloody face to memory.

DK: I should avoid making too many comparisons between submissions, but this one beats out a few others because of its commitment to interweaving sexual arousal with killing, which makes me think of somebody saying “we’ve got something fresh and edgy here” before giving him 300 pages to write crap. SILVER
CP: This is allllllmost the right kind of bad. An absurd name for the main character and just a little more in the way of bizarre details or awkward metaphors would have helped. BRONZE

JAMESON HANDYTROUSERS

Bob had been austerely farming this vineyard for going on four hundred years. He never whined about it or anything, but his family knew his distaste. His senescence should be more crisp and less earthy.

DK: The last sentence here is my favorite. That’s it. I mean, it has to draw on the setup for the full clang of its metaphor, but again…I can see someone thinking that’s really really profound, man. GOLD
CP: This . . . doesn’t make a lot of sense. While I’m amused, it doesn’t feel like something that would really be published. It also feels more like a joke than the beginning of something longer. Still, working in “senescence” was a good move.

FAT MABEL

You can say it was just a wink.
You can say it was just holding hands.
But can you say it wasn’t unadulterated fornication?

DK: I don’t know…this kind of intrigues me.
CP: All right, “unaldulterated fornicaiton” is pretty great. I don’t quite see how “it” could be classified as just a wink or just holding hands yet also be unadulterated fornication. And maybe that’s partly the point–that it doesn’t make sense. Still, how much do I reward this one for an excellent two-word phrase? BRONZE

MAY DANDERFLUFF

She never forgot the first time she saw him as he rose from the waves like a leviathan. Her heart had begged to be devoured.

DK: I’m glad you guys didn’t all try to write 50 Shades, but I’m glad to have one or two cause they always fit so well, and they always bring new shades of terrible metaphors. BRONZE
CP: Hee hee! So apparently she also saw him rising from the waves like a leviathan on other occasions? I like the heart begging, though I wonder if the connection between a leviathan and devouring is too . . . logical for this particular challenge. SILVER

POPPIN’ FRESH GILGAMESH

I’ve mastered the martial arts. All except one…love.

DK: This is plenty not good, but I tend to like the specificity of things like the previous one a little more for this.
CP: Heh, martial arts or marital arts? While brevity can work, this seems like it’s leaving out too much. Given that love isn’t a martial art, I’m just left feeling confused. Another sentence that brought together martial arts and love might have helped.

THE SACRED PILLOW

Jared looks up at the sky above from where he stands on the ground, and he wonders what today has in store. Would it be as sad as he felt now? Soon, he’d find out.

DK: I actually think writing in present tense adds a little bit extra oomph to the annoyance I feel reading this. That and how long this is for saying so little. SILVER
CP: Oh, this is awful. But a pretty good kind of awful. It’s thoroughly awkward and “Soon, he’d find out” is a wonderfully wretched way to end. GOLD

CHRISTY BUBBLEPUMPKIN

Destiny, every man’s got one. From the moment I exited the birth canal I knew what mine would be: drill my own figurative fallopian tubes and become the first person to reach the earth’s core.

DK: Making sure to note they’re figurative is a nice touch. Also just the idea that he knew his destiny that soon. And, you know, the whole imagery of it all here is also really appealing. BRONZE
CP: Whaaaaaaat??? This is terrible, and in fact so terrible I’m having a hard time believing it’s publishable. But the metaphor is so memorably bad that I can’t help but reward it. SILVER

HYBRID CARLOS

Garryt stood on the field bathed in orc blood, happy that the Tryglifft rebellion was put to rest, but not happy at the thought of telling Prince Bthark that his brother was slain.

DK: I’ve seen a number of times in Bulwyrs people do really cheesy fantasy settings, probably cause people know Kelly hates them, and I’m pretty sure I always grade them lower than he does since they just don’t get my goat like his. I can’t deny being perturbed that this book starts right after a big ass battle or something, though.
CP: Oh man, I hate those weird names in fantasy novels. But apart from that, there’s not much here–the storyline itself seems fairly mundane. I would have liked more than just the names to be ridiculous.

——-

With a silver and a gold, clearly The Sacred Pillow is one of our new HOHs. We also had a few silver/bronze winners (Christy, May, and Spatula) but since the medal system goes 1 for Bronze, 3 for Silver, 5 for Gold, none of those three were able to overcome my giving Jameson Handytrousers a gold, so he is your second HOH. My Pepper’s medals tiebreaker was unnecessary this time, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll bring it back soon.

The BB Randomizer has selected Jameson to pick his nominees first, followed by the Pillow. Remember, Vance is getting penalty nominated this round, so Jameson has the choice first of whether to make Vance one of his nominees or leave that to Pillow. The two of you, please send me two nominees each by Monday night at 8 PM Central (or before, if you’re ready) and then we’ll get to the next BOB competition. Fun stuff, Houseguests.

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